talking about myself

I have been putting off writing this post because I’m scared to jinx anything, but of course I can’t think about anything else. And I kind of want to keep track of things. Sooo…two things today have made me hopeful. Which is scary. Anyway, here goes:

This morning I woke up and, forgive me for sharing, but I felt a rush of wetness down, you know, there. Almost like my period or something. Not a ton, but very watery. A few minutes later, I felt it again. I went to the bathroom and checked, and it was completely colorless. Just wet. And, um, oddly, as I’m writing this, I think I may have just felt it again.

The other thing is I have started feeling very mildly crampy today. It’s only been 8 days since I took my trigger shot, so supposedly 7 days past ovulation, so it doesn’t really make sense to me that these would be menstrual cramps. I haven’t gotten my period naturally in a long time, but when I was on the pill I wouldn’t really get cramps until the day before. I suppose my period could be coming early, but this would be really early.

It is also entirely possible that either or both of these is being caused by (a) the progesterone, (b) the estrogen, or (c) the trigger shot, which as of yesterday was still not out of my system.

Yes, I have Googled “watery discharge” and “watery cm.” On that Two Week Wait website (oh come on, don’t tell me you guys haven’t Googled your way to this site) where a billion people have listed their early pregnancy symptoms, it seems a lot of people had this. At the same time, a lot of people say they get watery discharge before their period, too. Maybe even a week before it. By the way, please note that this is nothing like the egg white cervical mucus that I experienced before ovulating. This wasn’t slippery or stretchy, it really seemed to have the consistency of water. So anyway, I don’t know what to make of it and it’s hard not to be hopeful about it.

Similarly, cramping around this time seems to be a common sign. But you know, I’ve got to remind myself, this website doesn’t post the early symptoms of people who don’t end up being pregnant, only the people who do. So maybe just as many people who didn’t get pregnant had some of this stuff. How am I to know? I tried to post a question on some discussion site, but no one has responded. But I’m kidding myself–it’s not like any amount of reassurance or encouragement or discouragement is going to make me stop thinking about this.

What’s that you say? Just forget about it and move on with my life until I can test? You obviously either (a) haven’t been reading this blog long enough, or (b) have never suffered from infertility.

Anyway, now I’ve gone and done it. I’m sure to have jinxed myself now.

It is the one-week anniversary of my trigger shot today. Several days ago, I made the mistake of telling my husband about the whole, “If I took a pregnancy test now, it would come out positive because the hormone in the trigger shot is the same hormone that a pregnancy test tests for,” thing. Today, he was very anxious to see if any of my (extremely minimal) symptoms (feeling hotter than usual (although that’s basically gone away), bigger boobs (I have definitely gained weight anyway, which could be the cause of this), sore nipples (could be the estrogen or the progesterone)) could be due to real pregnancy rather than the trigger shot, so he wanted me to test and see if the trigger was out of my system.

It wasn’t. Big surprise–it’s only been a week. Anyway, now I know what a positive pregnancy test looks like. I hope I’ll see one again in a week.

Now I feel weirdly compelled to keep testing until I’m sure it’s out of my system. It wasn’t that faint a line, either, so it seems like it could be awhile. In fact, I’m a little nervous that if I test next weekend and get a positive it will still be from the trigger. What’s a girl to do? Also, pregnancy tests, if you haven’t noticed, aren’t all that cheap. I’m down to two, and I kind of want to save them until next week.

Wow. I want this really badly. I keep imagining how unbelievably excited I would be if I found out I was pregnant. I suppose some of my readers can relate, no? Yeah.

In other news, I had been drinking one small cup of coffee a day (down from my former two larger cups) until yesterday, when my husband and I decided I should probably stop drinking it altogether. Ouch. Rough couple of days here. In the mean time, I’m having a hard time figuring out what the hell I CAN consume. It seems like there’s something wrong with everything I might consider eating. Seriously, what’s a pregnant woman to subsist on? And while we’re at it, if I refer to myself as a pregnant woman, will that make it true?

My husband keeps asking me if I feel pregnant. I don’t. I really don’t feel different. And since it’s still early, I don’t really think it means much. But in a few days, I’m going to start feeling discouraged if I still don’t feel anything. I know I shouldn’t, but my mind, you see, it has a mind of its own.

I totally don’t have time to post right now, but I’m doing it anyway. Work has been crazy, so it’s good i’ve had a distraction. On the other hand, I HAVE NOT BEEN DISTRACTED. I STILL manage to think about and analyze my “symptoms” constantly, and I shouldn’t even be feeling anything yet!!! If I ovulated Monday as I guess I was supposed to, that puts me at 4 dpo today. That strikes me as utterly and completely absurd. Time has never moved so slowly.

This is going to be a boring post because I have no interesting updates. I just started the Endometrin progesterone supplements this morning and, unsurprisingly, it has not affected me yet as far as I can tell. I have been feeling hotter than usual, waking up in the middle of the night and tossing the covers off of me, and feeling generally warm and rosy-cheeked, but I never did the basal body temperature charting thing because I don’t ovulate, so I don’t really know what that means and it might just be something that normally happens after ovulation whether or not an egg has been fertilized. Furthermore, I really don’t think I would or should be feeling anything yet, so it’s sort of lame to try and make stuff up. But hey, I guess if there ever was a time to act cool, now is not it.

I also had a strong uterine cramp yesterday. I say that tells me absolutely nothing–what good is a cramp 3 days post ovulation??–but I felt it nonetheless. (NOTE: It is also *possible* that it was just a stomach thing, though it really felt like it was my uterus and right where my uterus is. I always feel sort of embarrassed when I can’t tell the difference between uterus pain and digestive pain. Anyone else?) So of course I frantically googled “cramp 3 days after ovulation” and variations of it for a good 10-20 minutes, but didn’t really find anything helpful, since usually implantation cramping doesn’t happen until 8-10 days after ovulation.

You know, I am starting to hate myself a little. I think I’m going to have to work this weekend, so again, hopefully that will distract me somewhat.

At risk of revealing TMI, last night I went to the drugstore and bought pantyliners for my impending Endometrin use. I also bought tampons. I never needed them while I was on the pill so I don’t generally keep them around, but I figured it doesn’t hurt to be prepared in case things don’t go as we hope this time around.

I just read this little article on Yahoo! Health called “Dealing with the Stress of Fertility Treatment.” I have some comments about what it said:

“New research indicates that fertility patients who feel less stressed get pregnant more quickly. So what can you do to minimize stress, both because it may help you get pregnant and because it makes treatment more bearable?”

Yes, what?

“Think of your fertility treatment as a project. Map out a strategy with your partner and your fertility doctor, and stick to it. Decide in advance how many and what kind of procedures will be emotionally and financially acceptable, and attempt to determine a final limit. Try to get in a long-term mindset-hope to be pregnant within a year, rather than obsessing each day.”

This is the one that really bothered me. Now, I realize not everyone can afford to have a never-ending stream of fertility treatments. In fact, I’m not sure anyone can. However, one of the things that has made me feel *especially* stressed is when I think, “I can’t keep trying to do this. If it doesn’t work this time, and some certain number of times after that, I will have to stop entirely. So it really has to work this time, or one of those times in the future, of which there are a decidedly finite number. AAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGH.” I think deciding in advance how many procedures will be acceptable is just setting yourself up for major anxiety every single day. I get the idea behind having a long-term goal rather than a “must work this time” goal, but I don’t see how putting a cap on your time frame or budget, which I know some people have to do anyway, can help with the stress.

“Write down questions to bring to your doctor, so you don’t forget to ask.”

Sure. Isn’t that always true? I still forget to do it, just like every time I go to the doctor.

“Consider what you will do if you don’t conceive. Having an alternative plan, such as adoption, not having children, or using donor eggs can minimize stress and anxiety.”

Hey, I had heard about adoption and donor eggs, but this not having children thing is genius! Why didn’t I think of that before? I feel much better now.

“Consider taking a break every few months.”

We’ll see.

“Communicate with your partner, and expect your partner to have difficulties too. Don’t expect him to always feel the same way that you do, though-different people respond differently to the strains of infertility.”

No, he will respond exactly as I do. I made him promise.

“Fertility treatment can be hard on every aspect of a marriage. Try to do things together that are fun and unrelated to getting pregnant. Make a date to have sex for fun during “non-fertile” times of the cycle.”

But then I’d have to spend time with him when it’s not even necessary, and we have a rule about that.

“Don’t be surprised at your negative reaction when someone else becomes pregnant-even someone you love. It is hard to be happy for others while you are struggling to become a parent yourself.”

Don’t worry, I won’t be surprised.

“Expect to feel emotional during this process — often a roller coaster of anxiety, excitement and frustration. Many modern women have never experienced this sort of loss of control over their lives-you have always been able to get what you wanted if you worked hard enough. Studies indicate that fertility treatment can be more stressful than cancer therapy-with similar feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, grief, shame, damaged self-esteem, jealousy, isolation, and loss of control.”

Okay, that makes sense.

“Consider getting counseling, learning some relaxation techniques, or joining a support group. You may find yoga, meditation, guided imagery, reiki, massage therapy and/or exercise helpful. Resolve is one of several national organizations that provide information and support to families dealing with fertility issues. For more information try http://www.resolve.org/ or call 888-623-0744.”

Sure, maybe, whatever. I probably won’t call that number, though. I have the internet.

In other news, I am still not feeling anything. I know I talked about this yesterday, but it totally freaks me out that if there is a fertilized egg inside me right now, it’s just, like, floating around inside me. Should I even be moving around at all? If it bounces into something, will it shatter?

By the way, I am loving (and completely addicted to) your comments. I feel so loved, like Paris Hilton or something.

Am I pregnant yet? Am I pregnant yet? What does it even mean to be pregnant? Are you pregnant if the egg has been fertilized but implantation hasn’t yet occurred? I mean, I guess most normal people would say yes, but it’s weird to think that the fertilized egg isn’t attached to the mom yet, so it’s not affecting her and she’s not affecting it. Don’t you think that’s sort of weird?

Speaking of weird, since that’s apparently the only word I know, this is such a weird time. First of all, unlike the last three weeks, I suddenly feel like nothing is happening to my body. No more sore ovaries. I didn’t feel myself ovulate if I did so on schedule, which would have been yesterday or last night at some point. I don’t even feel particularly bloated (though I did yesterday and the day before, trigger shot day). I have not started progesterone suppositories yet, and that’s my latest worry. They told me not to start until Friday. They were adamant that they shouldn’t begin until three days after The Sex. Tonight is the last night of The Sex. I think I will feel much better when I start using those suppositories. Wednesday and Thursday are going to be hell because I won’t be able to feel like I’m doing anything towards maintaining a pregnancy, if by some miracle I have achieved one. The only “unnatural” thing I’m doing to myself at the moment is giving myself estrogen through patches. And I’m not even sure why. Maybe the nurse knew I’d go insane if I didn’t get to be giving myself some kind of hormone during this period.

Things are supposed to pick up at work shortly, which will hopefully provide a distraction and not actually cause me to get so stressed out that I am, you guessed it, unable to maintain a pregnancy (or unable to achieve one if that’s still a possibility).

When does implantation occur, and I’m not supposed to feel it, am I? I’m tired of worrying that I’m not feeling something I’m supposed to be feeling.

I’m also tired of only thinking about this, all the time. Yet at the same time, it is the most interesting thing I could possibly imagine thinking about.

Weird.

Mind going crazy.  So many questions and concerns.

Took the trigger Sunday morning at 8 am.

1. Is it possible I won’t ovulate? Like, for instance, my last ultrasound was early Friday morning after my second-to-last Menopur injection. I was measuring about 16 mm then. I took one more Menopur shot on Saturday morning and triggered a day later. Were the full days of Friday and Saturday enough time to get the follicle to mature to the right size?

2. Is it possible I won’t ovulate even if the follicle did get to the right size?

3. Will I necessarily feel myself ovulate? Do most people going through this process feel it? If I don’t feel it, does that suggest I didn’t ovulate?

4. I felt something on the right side (where the big follicle is/was) yesterday afternoon, but that was too early to ovulate, right? It should happen some time tonight, shouldn’t it, 36 or more hours later? Anyway, the thing I felt was similar to the ovary twinges I’ve been feeling for the last week or so. But since I don’t know what ovulation feels like I don’t know what I’m looking for.

5. If I did ovulate yesterday afternoon, and didn’t have sex until perhaps 8 hours later, is that timing okay? (Okay, I’m pretty sure it is but I’m just getting it all out there.)

6. My ovaries feel less painful today. Does that suggest I already ovulated, or that I didn’t ovulate at all and the follicles are shrinking or something?

7. Do I strike you as someone who is mentally prepared to deal with a 2ww? Yeah. Me either.

Am I bloated, or did I just gain weight?

I gave myself the trigger shot (Ovidrel) this morning. It was just like the Menopur, except it didn’t sting when I pushed it in. Feels a little sore now, though. No big deal.

Nothing to report, just the continued slightly painful ovaries. Just thought I’d check in.

I have lots of worries about lots of things these days, internal worries that the things I think about and where my mind wanders are bad, and signs of bad things in my life. I don’t feel I can be more specific, but sometimes I think the problem is just how much I worry about worrying. I still want to get pregnant and am trying to focus on that right now. Does anyone else ever feel this way, like scared that things aren’t right? (I know people do, but I guess I’d like to hear it. I don’t feel like I can tell people I know in real life about these feelings, for various reasons. So it can be lonely sometimes.)

And then at other times everything seems wonderful.

Maybe I’m nuts. Better yet, maybe it’s the hormones.

I am excited.

One big guy in my right ovary. Only one, measuring, from one angle, about 16mm x 12 mm, and from another angle about 17 mm x 11 mm. The nurse said she’d average that to about 16 mm. Everything in the left ovary is still small. One more vial of Menopur tomorrow morning, then trigger Sunday morning, then sex Sunday night, Monday night, and Tuesday night. Lining is still around 7 mm. I’m wearing two estrogen patches now and will change them every three to four days. I start Endometrin suppositories next Thursday. POAS (whoa, my first time writing that) on April 21st.

I’m not even sure what to say right now. I still feel sort of shaky. But this is just the beginning, I know.

I’m so happy, sure. Very, very happy and pleased that it’s finally working the way it’s supposed to. And this is way better than what it’s been, no doubt. But of course, I’m also nervous. What were you expecting? I’m nervous about doing everything right. I’m nervous that I’m going to ovulate before the trigger or, worse, that for some reason I won’t ovulate at all. I’m nervous there might be other things wrong with me, or with my husband (even though he had a normal analysis about a year ago), that will cause problems or keep this from happening. I’m nervous about the sex. Three nights in a row of mandatory sex. We’re both very sensitive, emotional people. What if we get into a huge fight beforehand or something? We’re not really the sex on demand kind of people. Okay, I guess all that really means is we’re not porn stars. But anyway, when it comes to this step, I am actually sure I can’t even anticipate the kinds of things that can go wrong.

But we’ll do it. I don’t really think it will be a problem, I’m just a worrier. I can say that my husband doesn’t seem to be the least bit worried about this step, or if he is he isn’t letting on. There’s a man for you. I guess sometimes there are good reasons for them to be this way, and finally we’ve hit upon one.

It’s weird that I have to start acting like a pregnant person in only a few days. We are supposed to have dinner with his company next week, where we will go get a drink as a group first and then split up into smaller groups to go to different restaurants. The email they sent out said “If anyone has any dietary restrictions, please let us know in advance so that we make sure that vegetarians aren’t sent to a steakhouse and those who don’t eat fish aren’t sent to sushi.” Normally I would keep my fingers crossed that I would be sent to a sushi restaurant. This morning I told my husband that he would have to email and ask that we not be sent to a sushi restaurant. It’s so strange, because we are always up for anything. It’s almost a point of pride not to have to ask for special treatment. It would be easier if I could just tell people I’m pregnant, but I am just not willing to do that. And this on top of not having a drink–at some point during the 2ww I just know someone is going to catch on and ask if I’m pregnant. I don’t even know what I’ll say.

Anyway, these are just teeny tiny complaints. It’s just that this is my place to talk about them. There is something unimaginably exciting about the idea of having to turn down certain foods because I “might be pregnant.”

I’m not ready to take that phrase out of quotation marks yet.