Impossible.
MAYBE I COULD PUT PREGNANCY OUT OF MY MIND FOR LIKE 45 SECONDS IF I DIDN’T HAVE THESE CONSTANT FUCKING CRAMPS. Also ever so slight brown spotting yesterday.
DON’T GIVE ME AMBIGUOUS SYMPTOMS TO GOOGLE, PLEASE.
P.S. Thanks for the comments, guys. They were awesome and also helpful and informative.
I feel sad.
The problem with the two week wait is that there’s nothing more you can do. It either worked or it didn’t. Leading up to trigger, there is a sense of excitement and hope–I have a follicle, I’m going to ovulate, we’re going to try. As soon as that moment passes, that’s it. You just hold your breath and hope. It’s funny because leading up to the trigger, I *know* I am not pregnant, yet I somehow feel happier. Now, while there is a chance I am pregnant, I actually feel sad.
Why do I feel sad? Do you think it’s bad of me, that I’m giving up hope, and that if I don’t end up pregnant I got what I deserved? Maybe so. But I feel sad for two reasons: (1) most of me doesn’t truly believe it worked, and (2) there is still a part of me that does hold out hope that it worked, and I am sad for how disappointed that part of me will be when (okay, if) I find out it didn’t.
There is no real reason I don’t believe it worked, other than statistics. Assuming I ovulated (I still for some reason can’t trust that I really did–what evidence do I have?), assuming it happened at the right time, supposedly I only have a 20-25% chance, right? That’s not nothing, certainly, but it’s not more-likely-than-not either. Or maybe my chances are slightly higher than that, because I’ve been reading more and more and it seems to be that for normal couples it’s 20-25% on any given cycle, but I don’t think that’s for normal couples who are timing it as carefully as we are. But anyway, what does it really matter what my chances are? As much as I think that’s going to tell me something every time I Google it in an effort to nail it down, it really doesn’t. No matter what my chances are, I won’t know if it worked for *me* for awhile yet.
As I’ve said before, though, I think I don’t believe it worked for me because I just…I don’t know. It seems too outrageous, maybe. Too lucky. Why should it? Why me?
I certainly don’t feel anything, but it hasn’t been that long, so that means nothing. I’ve been crampy, but I was crampy last time. Frankly, I don’t think it means anything either way–I think it’s my ovaries recovering from the stim treatment. My right ovary (the one from which I supposedly ovulated) in particular has been feeling quite tender the last day or so. I wish there were some possible way I could stretch this into being a good sign, but then again, maybe I’m glad I can’t. It lessens the disappointment later.
I have not yet decided whether I’m going to start testing early at all. Part of me believes doing it that way softened the blow last time, because each day I became increasingly sure it hadn’t worked, but I never had to put all my hope into one particular test because it was the only one I did. On the other hand, I kind of want to try doing things differently this time, just because why not? Whatever I did last time didn’t work any magic, that’s for sure.
So what’s the secret, guys? Come on, how do I make it happen? Should I stop drinking coffee altogether (I just drink a cup in the morning)? What about aspartame (I add 2 1/2 packets of Equal to my plain Greek breakfast yogurt)? Are sweets a bad idea? What about walking up several flights of stairs? Should I quit work? Stop doing anything that makes my heart beat fast? Keep warm? Keep cool?
Or is there really nothing more I can do?
