I feel like a cheater.
I have very little time to write (why do I always say this? I’m obviously saying it more for myself than for anyone else), but I had to check in. I was thinking about the post I wrote yesterday, and I feel like I was trying to trick the universe into giving me what I wanted, by saying all the right things.
It’s not that I don’t think it’s true that I have it all (well, you know what I mean), and that my life is wonderful. It’s just that after I published the post and signed off, I still wanted to be pregnant so, so badly. It still doesn’t quite feel like enough, everything else that I have.
I dreamed about having kids again last night, although these were ones I adopted at a young age. They were old enough so that I didn’t get to name them. The girl’s name was Michelle. Weird.
Tomorrow is 14 dpso (“days past supposed ovulation”–I coined this phrase, part of the skeptic’s infertility lingo; do you like it?), and I’m supposed to test then. Like I said, I haven’t been tempted up to this point. I don’t want to be sad.
So anyway, sorry universe, for being sneaky. I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time. I’m sure everything will work out, even if it doesn’t work this time.
