talking about myself

Has it been 5 weeks since I last posted? Time moves very quickly these days. In part that is because I have been busier at work. Also because I guess I don’t feel like I’m constantly waiting for something like I have felt for so long…

I’m generally very happy. Everything seems to be going well with the pregnancy, which somehow seems totally amazing and yet totally expected at the same time. He’s been kicking away at me–it feels like I’ve got a popcorn popper in my stomach. I’m looking very obviously pregnant now. Strangers and acquaintances alike are now comfortable saying, “When are you due?” and “Is it a boy?” based entirely on my appearance. I was told by a couple of people I am carrying very typically for a boy–on the high and narrow side. Who knows, though.

My problems these days are high class, like figuring out where to register and what to register for (my mom’s friends and sisters are throwing me a shower in January), daydreaming about sushi and determining whether we can afford a house. Yeah, I am incredibly lucky. We are also working on names–we have a front runner but I’m not going to disclose it here. Maybe later. There are lots of little administrative things I feel like need to be tied up and it feels like time is running out, but for the most part they’re fun to think about so I’m generally enjoying it.

My weight gain seems to come in spurts and plateaus. As of this morning I was up 13.5 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. I assume that’s fine and I’ll probably have another spurt again soon.

I don’t even know what else there is to say. If you’re still reading this incredibly boring blog, bless you. There’s nothing less scintillating than reading the disorganized thoughts of a generally happy person. Not that my life is perfect by any means. There are lots of things I’m uncertain and terrified about, and regrets and all the usual things that come with being human, first of all, and the particular flaws that come with being me, secondly. But I want to acknowledge that I have things really good, and make it clear to the powers that be that I am ridiculously grateful. Thanks. And thanks to all of you out there for still checking in on me now and again.

Today I am 20 weeks, and that certainly feels like a milestone. Duh, I guess. We had our 20 week anatomy scan today, and everything is perfect. I feel so lucky that I almost feel guilty. He’s still definitely a he, and he has all the parts he should have. He is even measuring exactly 20 weeks today. I guess I’m proud? I’ve been feeling his little kicks for awhile now, but they are pretty subtle. And I’ve been getting pretty excited at the prospect of meeting this dapper young fellow. I know we have a long way to go, though.

I am clearly showing now and pretty obviously pregnant to anyone who actually looks at me from the side. I am also feeling a BILLION times better, and though I still think pregnancy means just feeling physically worse than not being pregnant, it’s pretty good right now. I am hardly nauseous at all anymore. And I am able to take my iron every night, which is probably also helping how I’m feeling.

And that’s that. I just wanted to provide an update. We are agonizing over names (well, it’s not really agony; in fact, it seems to be the most fun my husband has doing anything these days–he likes to bring it up at parties and get people going about it) and I haven’t bought a single baby item yet because I’m terrified and overwhelmed. When will this feeling end and when will I get my shit together?

But really, everything’s pretty wonderful and I just wanted my 2 1/2 or so readers to know.

Hello and sorry it’s been awhile. And thank you (Patti!) for popping up every now and then to check in on me.

All seems to be progressing very well, and of course we are so grateful. I did not end up going on that prison tour, almost entirely because I didn’t want to feel terrible the whole day, and it was not a big deal at all and everyone was super nice about it. The head guy later told me that it was best I didn’t come, as it had been a long day.

Other updates:

- my doctor’s office screwed up and did not run my nuchal fold blood screening, and we didnt find out until it was too late. I was very upset when I found out, but my doctor did a great job of both reassuring me that this was not a disaster and agreeing that I had every right to be upset and she would be too. And she was very apologetic. And anyway, we had the nt scan and that was normal, and we are doing the quadruple screening now (results next week), and she feels that should be enough to reassure ms. Nothing is 100%, and I could still get an amnio if I am really concerned, but I’d rather not, so we’ll just see what hose results say. I’m over the nuchal fold thing and have moved on.

- IT’S A BOY!!! We were able to to tell at the ultrasound on Monday. We are excited.

- I am still feeling nauseous at night and am really truly ready for it to go away. I am also slightly anemic and will have to start taking iron supplements. On an empty stomach. Ugghghgh.

That’s all for now. I am typing this on my iPhone as my husband and I are vacationing at my parents’ house (which is just across town) this weekend. They have air conditioning. We don’t. Enough said, yes?

I feel like shit. I don’t know why. I was feeling so much better for almost a week. I’m 14 weeks tomorrow. I can’t describe the feeling, either. It’s not nausea, exactly, although it sort of is. It definitely involves absolutely nothing sounding appetizing to me, barely being able to choke anything down, and still not gaining much weight. And okay, it definitely kind of involves nausea.

But that’s not really what I want advice about (although if you have something helpful to say in that regard, BY ALL MEANS). Here’s what I need help with:

I am a lawyer. A couple weeks ago, I volunteered to help out with a pro bono project that would involve me going on a tour of a prison/immigration detention facility, where I will make observations and interview detainees. The tour is this Thursday. I was pretty sure I’d feel better by then, and I really needed the hours, which is why I volunteered.

I’ve already mostly dealt with my concerns about being exposed to disease while there. It occurred to me this morning that that could be an issue, and I put in a call to my doctor, who told me very frankly that she was happy to give me an excuse to skip the tour if I wanted that, but that as long as there hadn’t been any recent outbreaks of disease at the prison, it was probably not an issue.

However, my concern is how craptastic I feel and how high-maintenance I am these days. I am supposed to meet the other people (there will be 6 of us total) at the office at 7:30 am (I don’t usually get in until 9:30ish), at which point we will have to drive several hours into the desert to get to this place, and they told me today that last year they skipped lunch and stayed until about 2:30 and that I should not plan to get back to the office until 5 or so.

I am really worried that I am going to be severely uncomfortable in this situation. None of the people I’m going with knows I’m pregnant. I could certainly tell them, but ultimately them knowing doesn’t really matter–the choice of whether it makes sense to go is totally up to me. It’s already hard enough for me to figure out what I want to eat at any given moment, so even if I were to pack snacks, I feel like it would be difficult. I don’t know when I’d be able to get away to eat. And what about getting to the bathroom? I even hate to think about making them stop several times on the way. I have no idea what the situation will be in the prison. And let’s add to that that I am feeling like such crap today that if I’m feeling this way while I’m there, I don’t know what I’ll do.

Look, it would not be a disaster for these people if I did not go; it would make the project slightly more burdensome on them, I believe, but not hugely more so. But I really don’t want to be a crappy colleague, and I don’t want to wuss out if this is not a big deal and if a normal pregnant person would go. I really second guess myself on these things: Am I too delicate? Do I need to just suck it up? I have never been one for “roughing it,” and this sort of falls into that category for me. Am I dying to go on this thing? Absolutely not. But I do think it would probably be a good experience for me. Not a once-in-a-lifetime thing by any means. But good. Interesting. But the kid in me (not the actual kid in me, the figurative kid) is stomping her foot and saying “NO.”

So…what would you do?

Sorry about that little lull. I didn’t have any real updates because I didn’t see the doctor for four whole weeks. But I finally saw her (my new OB, whom I really like, by the way) on Monday.

And we saw the baby too! I was supposed to be 12w2d on Monday, but the baby was measuring 13 weeks so they moved my due date up to February 9 from what I had calculated on the internet (February 13). It looked like a person. It was hard to believe, and hard to connect the image on the screen to what was apparently going on inside of me. The nuchal fold ultrasound was normal, so we’re waiting for the lab results. Also results of the rest of my Ashkenazi panel, which apparently was not done in full the first time around at my first RE’s office, well over a year ago. Sweet.

I’ve missed my chance to do CVS, though I guess I probably wouldn’t have anyway, not knowing the results of the triple screen. If there are issues, we’ll probably do an amnio. But I’m very much hoping there are none.

I don’t even know what to say these days. It still feels surreal. I still can’t believe a person is growing inside of me (and occasionally I find myself extremely freaked out by the whole idea). I was pretty nauseous there from about 5 1/2 to 13 or so weeks, but I think that’s finally starting to ease up – yay!! Food still doesn’t taste the same to me, though. I’m just barely starting to “show,” at least to me and my husband. I doubt anyone at work would be able to tell if they didn’t know any better. But I think it’s about time to start maternity-clothes-shopping, because my pants are getting uncomfortable. My fingernails are growing like crazy (but that’s partially because as soon as I noticed they were growing at all I stopped biting them–check out that self-control). My skin is a little worse. And my boobs, as far as I can tell, haven’t changed at all. I have a terrible headache right now, and I’m tired. All well worth it, but I thought someone out there might be interested. Maybe?

One more complaint: some of these food rules are RIDICULOUS. The cold cuts thing is the hardest for me, even though I probably miss sushi more. Seriously, I can’t get a turkey sandwich for lunch? It strikes me as out of control. The worst is that several of my pregnant or recently pregnant friends tell me they totally cheat/ed on that rule, but I have something of a stickler for a husband, and he really, really doesn’t want me to risk it. And I know, it seems so dumb to think about risking it at all, but I just have these moments where the only thing I can imagine eating is that turkey sandwich (with swiss, mustard, lettuce, tomatoes and lots of jalapenos…mmmm)…

Okay, that’s all. I’ll happily live with the rule, if that’s what it takes. Just wanted to bitch briefly. The things you don’t really think about (nor should you) before you’re pregnant…

That’s all. Anyone out there still reading, thank you for sticking with me. Let me know if I’ve forgotten to update on anything. Let me know if you have any questions for me. I love answering questions!!

I guess it didn’t seem like there was much to say until today…

Measuring 8 weeks 3 days today (exactly where I should be after last time), heartbeat 166 bpm. Everything is good and I’ve graduated to a real OB…whom I won’t see until July 30!! How will I survive until then? It seems like forever away.

It still doesn’t feel real to me. Seeing that little white teddy graham on the screen and hearing its heartbeat is breathtaking, but it’s hard to truly feel like it’s really my baby, inside of me and everything. My mom says once you start to feel it kick, it’s a whole different thing.

We’re really happy. I had been planning a post about how inconvenient all these early pregnancy symptoms are–not just the morning sickness, but the absolute dire need to be eating so ridiculously frequently and feeling absolutely like I’m about to pass out if I don’t, even when absolutely nothing sounds appealing to me, etc.–but it just seems ridiculous now (but I’m still glad I got that mini-bitch-fest in ). My husband and I even had a fight on the way to the doctor’s this morning because I was acting so grouchy about feeling so yucky and like I’m not drinking enough fluids (makes me nauseous) or eating enough healthy stuff (you get the idea). But now that stuff just seems silly. Of course, I’m sure it’ll eke back in little by little, so I’ll enjoy this little high while it lasts.

Our bodies are ridiculously amazing, huh?

Thanks to all of you for hanging out with me through all of this. It’s really, really special to me.

Not to sound morbid or anything. This morning we saw and heard (LOUDLY) a good heartbeat (I didn’t ask the rate but I saw at the bottom of the screen that it seemed to be hovering around 120 beats per minute). The little guy measured 6w3d which, though it is not as far along as I had hoped and as the people at the office suggested it might be based on my beta levels, puts me at ovulating exactly when I thought I did–on May 23. So I feel quite vindicated. And also very, very happy. Very happy indeed.

My progesterone and estrogen levels are good (we tested them again today), so all I have to do is survive and not drink alcohol for two weeks until my next ultrasound. And hope very much that I measure 8w3d that day. Or, you know, even further? Would that be a good thing? An unexpected growth spurt?

My husband was there with me today and I was so glad. Of course, he wouldn’t miss it. The doctor was so sweet about it all. He said everything looked as it should. And after he left, I cried a little. Hearing the heartbeat was really overwhelming. And, like, THERE’S SOMETHING LIVING INSIDE OF ME. Which I guess there always is, like bacteria and stuff. But A HUMAN THIS TIME. With A BEATING HEART.

I’m not sure I will ever get over this.

I don’t like that I even hinted at any ungratefulness. I am so, so damned excited to be pregnant, and totally willing to go through this for the pregnancy. I apologize if my last post implied any differently.

The good news: beta #2 was 25,428. The nurse was actually laughing on the phone when she told me, she couldn’t believe how high it was. She said it was time for me to schedule my first pregnancy ultrasound, where we’d get a better idea of how far along I am “when they do the crown-rump measurement.” I almost died when she said this. Really? There’s a crown and a rump in there? It’s almost impossible to believe.

The bad news: I felt so nauseous last night that I decided not to travel back east for my friend’s baby shower. I am so relieved not to be on a 6-hour flight today, let me tell you. And the friends were all so understanding, though I am certainly bummed to have to miss it.

I’m also really unhappy about the nausea. I know, I know, it’s a good sign. But when I’m feeling it really bad, I feel sort of angry and out of control…and worried. How am I going to get through work every day feeling like this? Today, since I was going to miss work anyway, I just decided to work from home. But it seems to be worst at night. Yesterday, I started feeling genuinely crappy in the afternoon and it got increasingly worse as the night wore on. I hovered over the toilet, but no vomit yet. This morning, I again felt better, and it got better and better and I was feeling actually good until about noon or so, and then I started to feel it again. I’m trying to eat every couple of hours, I’m trying to eat bland foods, I’m trying all the remedies I see discussed on the internet and elsewhere. Last night I tried my new Psi Bands (see previous post re: those), and at first they didn’t seem to work. But I put them on again at 12:45 am when I was lying in bed feeling horrible, and they definitely took the edge off–I slept with them all night. So maybe they’re best at night or something, I don’t know. I’m wearing them now and can’t tell if they’re helping…

Anyway, I want to be clear that I am so, so happy and grateful to be pregnant. Of course I am; you know I am. But I have to admit that it is easy to let that fade into the background when you’re focusing on your stomach. But when I do remember, of course I am happy – especially because the nausea is a good sign. It tells me things are going as they should. If I weren’t feeling like this, I’d probably be worried about that. But still, I can’t believe we have to be so helpless with this. It seems oddly unfair. And seriously, what is the evolutionary purpose of this? Just make us hungry, not nauseous, please.

Sigh. I think I’ll take a little walk now, because it’s finally a beautiful day. I’ll update you guys after my ultrasound on Tuesday.

Thank you for your sweet comments! Why is it so exciting to have you guys here going through this with me? It just is.

Yesterday I was a little nervous that my symptoms were lessening (I know, so original). Then, last night, I was awake from about 2 am to 4 am on the brink of puking. Now I’m just nervous about the 5 1/2 hour plane flight I’m taking on Friday and the return trip on Sunday. I planned this trip a couple of months ago, to attend my good friend M’s baby shower in NJ and to see my good college friends. I have been so looking forward to it, but now I don’t know. Last night, in a nauseated panic, I ordered a set of these Psi Bands with one-day delivery so I’d get them on Thursday in time for my Friday flight. I have no idea if they’ll work–I’ve never tried these kinds of things before, but I’m hoping. It’s something, anyway. I’d be fine with the placebo effect.

I managed to soothe my stomach eventually with saltines. I also ate one before getting out of bed this morning, and am here at work munching on them now. They actually really do seem to help, almost miraculously so. I’m going to keep these close by me for the foreseeable future.

And that’s that. Beta #2 tomorrow. Hope all goes well.

By the way, in case it’s hard to tell, I really am happy. I’m tired and queasy, but I’m happy.