talking about myself

I don’t like that I even hinted at any ungratefulness. I am so, so damned excited to be pregnant, and totally willing to go through this for the pregnancy. I apologize if my last post implied any differently.

The good news: beta #2 was 25,428. The nurse was actually laughing on the phone when she told me, she couldn’t believe how high it was. She said it was time for me to schedule my first pregnancy ultrasound, where we’d get a better idea of how far along I am “when they do the crown-rump measurement.” I almost died when she said this. Really? There’s a crown and a rump in there? It’s almost impossible to believe.

The bad news: I felt so nauseous last night that I decided not to travel back east for my friend’s baby shower. I am so relieved not to be on a 6-hour flight today, let me tell you. And the friends were all so understanding, though I am certainly bummed to have to miss it.

I’m also really unhappy about the nausea. I know, I know, it’s a good sign. But when I’m feeling it really bad, I feel sort of angry and out of control…and worried. How am I going to get through work every day feeling like this? Today, since I was going to miss work anyway, I just decided to work from home. But it seems to be worst at night. Yesterday, I started feeling genuinely crappy in the afternoon and it got increasingly worse as the night wore on. I hovered over the toilet, but no vomit yet. This morning, I again felt better, and it got better and better and I was feeling actually good until about noon or so, and then I started to feel it again. I’m trying to eat every couple of hours, I’m trying to eat bland foods, I’m trying all the remedies I see discussed on the internet and elsewhere. Last night I tried my new Psi Bands (see previous post re: those), and at first they didn’t seem to work. But I put them on again at 12:45 am when I was lying in bed feeling horrible, and they definitely took the edge off–I slept with them all night. So maybe they’re best at night or something, I don’t know. I’m wearing them now and can’t tell if they’re helping…

Anyway, I want to be clear that I am so, so happy and grateful to be pregnant. Of course I am; you know I am. But I have to admit that it is easy to let that fade into the background when you’re focusing on your stomach. But when I do remember, of course I am happy – especially because the nausea is a good sign. It tells me things are going as they should. If I weren’t feeling like this, I’d probably be worried about that. But still, I can’t believe we have to be so helpless with this. It seems oddly unfair. And seriously, what is the evolutionary purpose of this? Just make us hungry, not nauseous, please.

Sigh. I think I’ll take a little walk now, because it’s finally a beautiful day. I’ll update you guys after my ultrasound on Tuesday.

Thank you for your sweet comments! Why is it so exciting to have you guys here going through this with me? It just is.

Yesterday I was a little nervous that my symptoms were lessening (I know, so original). Then, last night, I was awake from about 2 am to 4 am on the brink of puking. Now I’m just nervous about the 5 1/2 hour plane flight I’m taking on Friday and the return trip on Sunday. I planned this trip a couple of months ago, to attend my good friend M’s baby shower in NJ and to see my good college friends. I have been so looking forward to it, but now I don’t know. Last night, in a nauseated panic, I ordered a set of these Psi Bands with one-day delivery so I’d get them on Thursday in time for my Friday flight. I have no idea if they’ll work–I’ve never tried these kinds of things before, but I’m hoping. It’s something, anyway. I’d be fine with the placebo effect.

I managed to soothe my stomach eventually with saltines. I also ate one before getting out of bed this morning, and am here at work munching on them now. They actually really do seem to help, almost miraculously so. I’m going to keep these close by me for the foreseeable future.

And that’s that. Beta #2 tomorrow. Hope all goes well.

By the way, in case it’s hard to tell, I really am happy. I’m tired and queasy, but I’m happy.

Today’s lab results:

Beta: 2371
Progesterone: 37.1
E2: 251

The nurse said, “So you think you ovulated somewhere around May 23-25? Because this number makes it look like it was five to seven days earlier…”

So it looks like I may be further along than we thought.

Since my numbers are high and strong, I don’t need any progesterone supplements (yay!) and I don’t go in for another beta until a week from now. And then I guess I’ll be able to have my first scan early the following week.

I know I sound like a robot talking about this. It is still all very surreal to me. Of course I am so excited, but already thinking about, “Will it be a blighted ovum? Will it have a heartbeat?” Etc. Of course, learning I was further along that we’d thought was good news, except that this means I was drinking “later” in the pregnancy than we’d thought. Maybe in the 5th week instead of the 4th. My husband and I fretted about this for awhile, but there’s nothing we can do and we’ve gotten a lot of people to say, “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT,” so we’re trying not to.

Otherwise, this is just so crazy. I have wanted this for so long, and now it’s here. I am almost speechless…

This is ridiculous. There’s no clever way to say this. I am…um…well…

pregnant.

For the time being, anyway. As I told you in my last post, I ovulated a couple of weeks ago. Well, when I wrote that I think I was “fairly certain” I had ovulated. Now I’d say I’m positive. But I decided that I would be a fool to worry about it and not drink on vacation, so I went ahead and did so. Not to excess, but as a normal non-pregnant person would do on a vacation. I suspect I ovulated actually more than two weeks ago–more like 2 1/2 weeks. I put off taking this test because I preferred to live with not knowing than having disappointment, but today felt really different (my temp was still up, my boobs started to hurt in a new and different way), and I knew I was going to test today and I basically couldn’t pay any attention at work all day. I finally left work on the early side, came home, and took a test. It came up with a clear, dark line–quickly. I covered my mouth and started crying. I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I wanted to call my husband but I wanted to be really sure first, so I grabbed a leftover digital test I had from a previous cycle and tested with that too: “Pregnant.”

I’m going in for a beta tomorrow morning. I’m kind of floating on a cloud right now. My husband was practically speechless when I called to tell him, then he went off to research what kind of damage I could have done with the drinking I did (and by the way, please, readers, for all of our sakes, make me feel better about this). But we are cautiously happy. I told my parents, my friend A who has helped me through all this (and is currently 14 1/2 weeks pregnant herself), and then I decided to tell my sister-in-law and my brother too. Everyone knows all I have is a positive home pregnancy test, and that anything could happen from here on out. But I wanted them to know and am glad they know.

And that is all. Truly in a daze at this moment. I tried to upload a photo I took of the two positives, but I kind of can’t figure it out and you guys know what they look like. But let me know if you demand proof…

I will say one thing: I am an acupuncture and Chinese medicine convert.

Oh what a clever and original title that I’m sure no blogger has ever used before.

Whatevs, anyway, here’s my situation: I think I ovulated. For more than a week, I had lots of EWCM, which got really clear towards the end. During this period, we had sex about every three days (e.g., Saturday, then Tuesday, then Friday, etc.). Then the EWCM went away and–get this–I think I’ve had a real honest-to-goodness temp rise. It’s tricky and unclear exactly when everything happened because over this past Memorial Day Weekend, around when I think it happened, I drank a little each day so I didn’t bother with my temp the next morning because it is incredibly inaccurate when I drink. But it has generally been in the 97.2 range over the last several weeks, and then on Tuesday it was around 97.5, on Wednesday 97.8, and today it was about 98.1 (by far the highest yet this cycle). The last time we had sex was Sunday evening, and the EWCM pretty much went away after that.

This is all pretty cool and everything, but there are a lot of uncertainties:

1) The obvious one: I don’t really know whether or not I ovulated. Which wouldn’t really matter, except that…

2) My husband and I are leaving for our Hawaii vacation on Sunday. Which is great! But assuming I ovulated approximately this past Monday (which was DAY 51, mind you), that means that our vacation will fall exactly during week 2 of the 2ww, which is exactly when I shouldn’t be drinking. I don’t want you all to think I’m some kind of booze hound, because I’m really not. But I like to enjoy myself with a glass or two, and was really looking forward to forgetting about IF on this vacation and just drinking when I wanted to drink. And honestly, I really don’t know how good the chances are that I could be pregnant, so it would just suck to have to miss that part of the fun of a vacation for no real reason. Especially not knowing for sure that I’ve even ovulated.

3) I picked up my birth control pill prescription just in case I got my period on this trip, so I could start up in preparation for IVF. But if I ovulated….well….should I still do IVF? Should I give acupuncture longer to work its magic? Guys, it has been almost 16 weeks of this, and something has definitely happened (period, EWCM), but can it fix me? Should I be willing to let this go longer?

What should I do? Should I drink lightly or not at all? If it appears I ovulated but then I later get my period, should I start up BCP anyway and move on to IVF, or should I give acupuncture longer to work?

Help.

Sorry for the hiatus, and thanks to Dana for pulling me out of it. You do sometimes wonder if anyone is out there reading…

It’s partially because there hasn’t been anything to report, really. For awhile both I and my acupuncturist thought I had ovulated on Cycle Day 16, because I had cramps that day and a low temp, followed by some higher temps. But the temps weren’t that high and they dropped after about 5 days or so, but I haven’t gotten my period (and today is Cycle Day 32), and my very low temps pretty much preclude any chance that I am pregnant, so it’s not looking like I ovulated. I did call Dr. M, my western fertility doctor, to ask if he thinks this is all pointless. He simply said, in a written note, as reported by the nurse with whom I was speaking, “Keep doing acupuncture to see if menses become cyclic. If not, come back for IVF.” Of course, this tells me nothing about how long to spend trying to do that, but really all I wanted to know what that this wasn’t a huge waste of precious time. Since he doesn’t think it is, I’ve relaxed a bit, and Dr. Z has let me go onto herbal pills instead of the tea, so this has become really easy.

So I’ve dealt with the disappointment of the fact that even though I did get my period once, I don’t think I’m going to be ovulating any time soon. And I’m using this opportunity of absolutely nothing happening to plan a trip for me and my husband to Hawaii!! It’s looking like it’s going to be early June, but plane ticket prices are being annoying. Anyway, though, this has given me something new to focus on for the time being, which is very very good. After that, I think we’ll move on to IVF. So, I feel like I have lots of good things to look forward to. Life is pretty good.

When I think about IVF, though, I can’t help but be nervous that it won’t work… But I’m ready. Really ready. And really excited to enjoy the time I have before all that starts. Yay!

…that the more I try to analyze and pinpoint and figure out what’s going on, the worse things go. I’m beginning to regret my decision not to just go for IVF immediately, even though I know I’m kind of just being a baby.

Sigh. Not really, of course. I’m just frustrated and I know the secret to success is probably just totally forgetting about everything and not caring anymore, but, shockingly, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

I don’t know what’s going on. Today is CD 16 and I’m trying to figure out if ovulation is happening/has happened/will happen some time soon. I *think* it probably hasn’t happened and isn’t happening any time terribly soon. But then again, I don’t understand anything. Like, for instance, on Friday my saliva ovulation predictor microscope started to show some subtle ferning signs, and then on Saturday it showed a lot of ferning, and then on Sunday it showed less ferning, and today it showed no ferning at all. I have not had any significant EWCM yet. My temperature dropped suddenly and quite a bit this morning. And OPKs were negative on Thursday and Saturday and Sunday, and I didn’t get a chance to test on Friday, though the line looked darker on Thursday than it did on Saturday or Sunday. So of course, some of this stuff makes me think maybe I ovulated over the weekend (maybe I surged Friday and missed it with the OPK?) or today (my temperature dropped, estrogen was high on Saturday but low today based on saliva monitor and apparently estrogen drops right before ovulation?). I even felt like I might be having cramps yesterday and/or today. However, the minimal EWCM does not strike me as very promising. Also, whenever I monitor this closely things do not go my way. So I’m not banking on anything. But I hate having to think about this so much. Someone take me away from all of this!

Right, right, so I should probably explain what the hell is going on. Because Dr. Z (the acupuncturist) thinks I ovulated, and because I do too (a very definite, if gradual, temperature rise, very obvious cervical mucus which stopped a few days after when I seem to have ovulated, and a very definite period make me feel fairly confident), I am going to keep going with just the acupuncture/herbal treatment and hold off on IVF for now.

Now, you may be thinking, “So you ovulated without hormone treatment. Big fucking deal. You ovulated WITH hormone treatment EIGHT TIMES and you didn’t get pregnant then. What makes you think you will now?” It’s true that I may not be able to get pregnant just because I ovulated on my own. Maybe there is something going on with me that makes it so that plain old ovulation and sex just won’t be able to do the job. HOWEVER:

1) We don’t know what that thing is. If you take out the anovulation factor, my infertility is unexplained. My tubes are not blocked, my lining and mucus have always been good, and my husband’s sperm are great. Also, I’m only 29 years old, and my Day 3 FSH levels have always been normal (though once I had an FSH level at some random point in the middle of what was probably a year-or-more-long cycle and it was 10, which is slightly high–but I was told that if it’s not done on Day 2 or 3 it doesn’t mean anything; I hope that’s true). The fact that there is not something clearly preventing me from getting pregnant just by ovulating and having sex definitely gives me pause before jumping into IVF. However, I would be starting IVF right now if I didn’t believe that…

2) There might actually be a difference between drug-induced ovulation and “natural” ovulation brought on by acupuncture and herbal treatment. Maybe there is no difference, in which case this is as unlikely to get me pregnant as the stim cycles I’ve been doing for the past year. But what Dr. Z is telling me is that the acupuncture and herbs treat all my systems and bring me into a hormonal balance. (She told me yesterday she had one woman drinking the tea and it made her asthma disappear for good.) They even, apparently, treat egg quality. So before, my doctors were giving me hormones that directly stimulated follicles to grow, then different hormones that directly stimulated them to release eggs, etc., but they weren’t treating the root of my problem, which was obviously some kind of hormonal imbalance. So though I may have been ovulating, my body may not have been creating the ideal environment for a pregnancy, though that was impossible to see from a blood test or an ultrasound. Also, the eggs I was ovulating may not have been the best ones. My body itself wasn’t choosing them–the hormone shots were, in a way. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but this is how I think of it and how Dr. Z seems to think of it. She said she treats the root of the problem, the source. I’d like to believe that if the tea and acupuncture are bringing my body into balance, to where it should be, that my body will know what to do on its own.

Another reasonable question: Why do I think the tea and acupuncture is any different from the hormones? Well, for one thing, I know she gives this tea to all kinds of women (and possibly all women) who are trying to get pregnant, not just the ones who don’t seem to ovulate on their own. This stuff is just supposed to generally “set things right.” And why would I believe it can even do that? Well, look at me! I fucking got my period and OVULATED. Seriously, that is so completely exciting and mind-blowing to me. For the time being, this woman has me sold. I’m willing to try pretty much anything she suggests, at least for a little while. And yesterday she told me again that she does not think I will need IVF to get pregnant. She thinks we can get this done naturally. So I want to try to do that.

I have no idea how long I’m going to try this for. I don’t even know how long this cycle is going to be. If it’s another 56-day one or even longer, that would suck. And this definitely is a double-edged sword because the fact that I’m doing this means I don’t *get* to do IVF yet. And I was pretty excited about that. Things were going to happen, you know? Now I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I feel like I have to try this. It’s too exciting not to explore.

So that’s that. I will certainly be keeping you posted as events warrant. Thanks for your comments, as always, because they are, as always, so very very much appreciated.