Hi! I am 33 weeks pregnant today and, pregnancy-wise, things are good. I am very lucky. Every day, all day long, this little boy pokes around at my insides and reminds me of his presence and his existence. We now have a combo dresser/changer, a glider/rocker (which I put together all by myself!), and a crib which I’m waiting for my husband to assemble. We have adorable bedding, a car seat, and are working on getting a car that can actually accommodate it. Things are coming together…sort of.

I have to have another surgery on my ankle. It will be Wednesday, December 30, and it will be to take the hardware (screws and a plate) out of my ankle. It will be much less of a big deal than the last surgery–outpatient, much quicker recovery (because it’s only soft tissue that has to heal this time, not bone), and should make my ankle feel a lot more comfortable. Or so they tell me. I was allowed to start putting weight on my foot last Monday, but it hurts. A lot. I am using my crutches less and less now, but my foot turns purple when I have it down for too long, and it just throbs when I use it for a little while. I limp severely and can’t really put all my weight on it, even temporarily, even just to put my pant leg on my good leg. It sucks. Part of the reason I have to have the surgery right away is that the screws are too long and sticking out into my tendons and really irritating them such that it will be impossible to walk without pain until I get them out. I think I will still have a lot of pain once the hardware is gone, but that will be due to stiffness and soft tissue healing, and not something hard getting in the way. For the surgery, they will do a spinal block on me like they did last time, and apparently the whole thing only takes about 15 minutes. Phew.

I’m thinking it will be a lot better once this hardware is out. I’ll be able to start trying to walk in earnest. I am so so hoping that this ankle is a lot better by the time I have to deliver this baby, and that it won’t make it more likely that I will have to get a c-section (say, because it hurts my ankle too much to push–which sounds silly, but which was my OB’s main concern when she heard that the hardware would be problematic, and which is why she recommended I get the follow-up surgery right away). There is just so much to do before this baby gets here, and I hate having anything making it any harder.

Hi guys! I’m 30 weeks today! I had my 30-week appointment today and though we didn’t have an ultrasound, the doctor said everything looks good.

That’s the stuff that gets me through the rest of this bullshit. I have been lying on the couch for OVER FOUR WEEKS NOW. I am so ridiculously sick of this, you guys. My ankle seems to be healing pretty well, but I’m still in pain and I still can’t put weight on it for another two weeks. I am on disability leave from work right now, which would be pretty awesome if it weren’t cutting into my future maternity leave. Seems really wrong, doesn’t it? See, I am entitled to 12 weeks of short-term disability leave in any rolling 12-month period. I was anticipating having 18 weeks of maternity leave, because that was my understanding of what everyone gets at my firm, but the catch is that 8 of those weeks are provided by that very same short-term disability I’m using right now. I go past 4 weeks of disability now, I cut into those 8 weeks later, so long as they’re in the same 12-month period, which, of course, they are. Well, this week is week #5, and it’s looking like I may end up using at least a full 6 weeks. Actually, I’m approved for 6 weeks and 1 day, and it’s like I’ll use them all. So, goodbye to part of my maternity leave.

It blows.

Sigh. Seems like we should be able to recover some of these costs from the woman who hit me, right? I don’t know if I talked about her in my last post. She’s young, she has the minimum auto insurance ($15,000 per person, which our medical expenses will easily eat up), and it’s not clear that we’d even be able to find a lawyer or investigator willing to find out if she’s got any money. We’ll have to look into it. Look, we don’t want to take her for all that she’s worth, but it does seem worth it to find out if she happens to have a trust fund or something, which is not totally unheard of. This is LA.

I think I did mention our issues with the medical insurance in my last post. That’s still going on. It’s all kind of a nightmare.

But really, we will be okay, even if we lose some money at the end of all of this. And the person in my stomach has been moving around so much, and every time he does it makes me happy. Seriously, no matter how uncomfortable I am, or pissed off I am at being in this situation, when he kicks or pummels or flips or does whatever the hell it is he’s doing in there, I get happy. I’m getting to that place where I’m starting to get really excited to meet him. I can’t believe I don’t even know what he looks like yet. He’s just this huge mystery. And I can’t believe he’s practically a whole person now.

Hi. I’m 27 weeks today. And before I write the rest of this post, I want to let you know that everything is okay.

On Saturday, October 31 (a week and a half ago), I was walking across a busy street (Hollywood Blvd, heard of it?) to meet a friend for dinner at about 6 pm, and I got hit by a car. Miraculously, the baby is completely okay. I landed on my face and broke two front teeth and my right ankle. The facial stuff is healing quickly (shouldn’t be any lasting scars), I had surgery on the ankle a week ago, and I am in recovery. I’ve never really broken anything or had surgery, so this is a new and difficult process for me. But mostly, I know that I am really, really, really really REALLY fucking lucky that I am going to be okay in the end and that my baby is going to be okay.

Still, it was probably the scariest thing that’s ever happened to me, as I’m sure you can imagine. After it happened, I lay in the street (I never lost consciousness) and screamed “help” over and over to make sure I got plenty of attention from people around me. I got it. The woman who hit me did stop and gave the cops her info, so it wasn’t a hit and run, thankfully, though her insurance isn’t looking terribly impressive. We’re having a nightmare of a time with our own medical insurance because I transferred hospitals from the hospital all the way on one side of town to the hospital where my OB is on staff and we subsequently learned that if the transfer was not “medically necessary” then none of the subsequent services are covered. What utter bullshit. We’ve got teams of lawyers on both sides of the family working on it, so I’m trying not to worry too much about it at the moment.

I’m not going to lie, this sucks. It sucks being injured and pregnant. I mean, it sucks being injured, period. Being pregnant just adds this whole layer of complication to it. Any idea how hard it is to sleep on your side while you’re trying to elevate a booted broken ankle? I’m staying at my parents’ house for the time being because my mom is home most of the day and can take care of me far more easily than my husband can, but he tries to be here whenever he can. I am incredibly lucky, as well, to live near my parents so this can be as easy as it is. And of course, I am incredibly lucky that my baby is still kicking away inside me.

That’s another thing–I feel like something special happened here, like I protected my baby, like I’ve acted as a mom already, I did my job. That’s sort of neat and amazing and it’s helped me through some of the rough moments of this. Of course, that first night I was having lots of contractions and they made us sign things saying they could do an emergency c-section, etc. They also put me on magnesium sulfate to stop the contractions. They made me stay on it for 2 days and by the end I was begging, crying and negotiating for them to let me get off of it. It’s really, really unpleasant stuff. It just made me feel like I was depressed, like I was weak and couldn’t really use my muscles, and just generally not like myself. My husband said I just wasn’t me while I was on it. I am still having some contractions now, which made me nervous at first, but they’re not terribly frequent and I think I may have even been having them before and just not noticed them before. They’re not painful and I’ve had no bleeding or fluid so I guess they’re Braxton Hicks. Keep your fingers crossed for me that they don’t get too frequent.

In the mean time, the little one has learned to dance on my bladder (providing isolated moments of suddenly having to pee very badly) and to hiccup. He does move a lot now, which is a relief. Any sign that he is alive these days is very welcome.

And that’s all for now. Happy to answer any questions if I’ve left anything out. I’m also happy to be alive, to have a baby inside me that’s alive, to have all my loved ones, and for everything in general. I’m a lucky girl.

So my life has changed drastically in the last week and a half, but I feel like I’m growing up a lot too.

Has it been 5 weeks since I last posted? Time moves very quickly these days. In part that is because I have been busier at work. Also because I guess I don’t feel like I’m constantly waiting for something like I have felt for so long…

I’m generally very happy. Everything seems to be going well with the pregnancy, which somehow seems totally amazing and yet totally expected at the same time. He’s been kicking away at me–it feels like I’ve got a popcorn popper in my stomach. I’m looking very obviously pregnant now. Strangers and acquaintances alike are now comfortable saying, “When are you due?” and “Is it a boy?” based entirely on my appearance. I was told by a couple of people I am carrying very typically for a boy–on the high and narrow side. Who knows, though.

My problems these days are high class, like figuring out where to register and what to register for (my mom’s friends and sisters are throwing me a shower in January), daydreaming about sushi and determining whether we can afford a house. Yeah, I am incredibly lucky. We are also working on names–we have a front runner but I’m not going to disclose it here. Maybe later. There are lots of little administrative things I feel like need to be tied up and it feels like time is running out, but for the most part they’re fun to think about so I’m generally enjoying it.

My weight gain seems to come in spurts and plateaus. As of this morning I was up 13.5 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. I assume that’s fine and I’ll probably have another spurt again soon.

I don’t even know what else there is to say. If you’re still reading this incredibly boring blog, bless you. There’s nothing less scintillating than reading the disorganized thoughts of a generally happy person. Not that my life is perfect by any means. There are lots of things I’m uncertain and terrified about, and regrets and all the usual things that come with being human, first of all, and the particular flaws that come with being me, secondly. But I want to acknowledge that I have things really good, and make it clear to the powers that be that I am ridiculously grateful. Thanks. And thanks to all of you out there for still checking in on me now and again.

Today I am 20 weeks, and that certainly feels like a milestone. Duh, I guess. We had our 20 week anatomy scan today, and everything is perfect. I feel so lucky that I almost feel guilty. He’s still definitely a he, and he has all the parts he should have. He is even measuring exactly 20 weeks today. I guess I’m proud? I’ve been feeling his little kicks for awhile now, but they are pretty subtle. And I’ve been getting pretty excited at the prospect of meeting this dapper young fellow. I know we have a long way to go, though.

I am clearly showing now and pretty obviously pregnant to anyone who actually looks at me from the side. I am also feeling a BILLION times better, and though I still think pregnancy means just feeling physically worse than not being pregnant, it’s pretty good right now. I am hardly nauseous at all anymore. And I am able to take my iron every night, which is probably also helping how I’m feeling.

And that’s that. I just wanted to provide an update. We are agonizing over names (well, it’s not really agony; in fact, it seems to be the most fun my husband has doing anything these days–he likes to bring it up at parties and get people going about it) and I haven’t bought a single baby item yet because I’m terrified and overwhelmed. When will this feeling end and when will I get my shit together?

But really, everything’s pretty wonderful and I just wanted my 2 1/2 or so readers to know.

Hello and sorry it’s been awhile. And thank you (Patti!) for popping up every now and then to check in on me.

All seems to be progressing very well, and of course we are so grateful. I did not end up going on that prison tour, almost entirely because I didn’t want to feel terrible the whole day, and it was not a big deal at all and everyone was super nice about it. The head guy later told me that it was best I didn’t come, as it had been a long day.

Other updates:

- my doctor’s office screwed up and did not run my nuchal fold blood screening, and we didnt find out until it was too late. I was very upset when I found out, but my doctor did a great job of both reassuring me that this was not a disaster and agreeing that I had every right to be upset and she would be too. And she was very apologetic. And anyway, we had the nt scan and that was normal, and we are doing the quadruple screening now (results next week), and she feels that should be enough to reassure ms. Nothing is 100%, and I could still get an amnio if I am really concerned, but I’d rather not, so we’ll just see what hose results say. I’m over the nuchal fold thing and have moved on.

- IT’S A BOY!!! We were able to to tell at the ultrasound on Monday. We are excited.

- I am still feeling nauseous at night and am really truly ready for it to go away. I am also slightly anemic and will have to start taking iron supplements. On an empty stomach. Ugghghgh.

That’s all for now. I am typing this on my iPhone as my husband and I are vacationing at my parents’ house (which is just across town) this weekend. They have air conditioning. We don’t. Enough said, yes?

I feel like shit. I don’t know why. I was feeling so much better for almost a week. I’m 14 weeks tomorrow. I can’t describe the feeling, either. It’s not nausea, exactly, although it sort of is. It definitely involves absolutely nothing sounding appetizing to me, barely being able to choke anything down, and still not gaining much weight. And okay, it definitely kind of involves nausea.

But that’s not really what I want advice about (although if you have something helpful to say in that regard, BY ALL MEANS). Here’s what I need help with:

I am a lawyer. A couple weeks ago, I volunteered to help out with a pro bono project that would involve me going on a tour of a prison/immigration detention facility, where I will make observations and interview detainees. The tour is this Thursday. I was pretty sure I’d feel better by then, and I really needed the hours, which is why I volunteered.

I’ve already mostly dealt with my concerns about being exposed to disease while there. It occurred to me this morning that that could be an issue, and I put in a call to my doctor, who told me very frankly that she was happy to give me an excuse to skip the tour if I wanted that, but that as long as there hadn’t been any recent outbreaks of disease at the prison, it was probably not an issue.

However, my concern is how craptastic I feel and how high-maintenance I am these days. I am supposed to meet the other people (there will be 6 of us total) at the office at 7:30 am (I don’t usually get in until 9:30ish), at which point we will have to drive several hours into the desert to get to this place, and they told me today that last year they skipped lunch and stayed until about 2:30 and that I should not plan to get back to the office until 5 or so.

I am really worried that I am going to be severely uncomfortable in this situation. None of the people I’m going with knows I’m pregnant. I could certainly tell them, but ultimately them knowing doesn’t really matter–the choice of whether it makes sense to go is totally up to me. It’s already hard enough for me to figure out what I want to eat at any given moment, so even if I were to pack snacks, I feel like it would be difficult. I don’t know when I’d be able to get away to eat. And what about getting to the bathroom? I even hate to think about making them stop several times on the way. I have no idea what the situation will be in the prison. And let’s add to that that I am feeling like such crap today that if I’m feeling this way while I’m there, I don’t know what I’ll do.

Look, it would not be a disaster for these people if I did not go; it would make the project slightly more burdensome on them, I believe, but not hugely more so. But I really don’t want to be a crappy colleague, and I don’t want to wuss out if this is not a big deal and if a normal pregnant person would go. I really second guess myself on these things: Am I too delicate? Do I need to just suck it up? I have never been one for “roughing it,” and this sort of falls into that category for me. Am I dying to go on this thing? Absolutely not. But I do think it would probably be a good experience for me. Not a once-in-a-lifetime thing by any means. But good. Interesting. But the kid in me (not the actual kid in me, the figurative kid) is stomping her foot and saying “NO.”

So…what would you do?

Sorry about that little lull. I didn’t have any real updates because I didn’t see the doctor for four whole weeks. But I finally saw her (my new OB, whom I really like, by the way) on Monday.

And we saw the baby too! I was supposed to be 12w2d on Monday, but the baby was measuring 13 weeks so they moved my due date up to February 9 from what I had calculated on the internet (February 13). It looked like a person. It was hard to believe, and hard to connect the image on the screen to what was apparently going on inside of me. The nuchal fold ultrasound was normal, so we’re waiting for the lab results. Also results of the rest of my Ashkenazi panel, which apparently was not done in full the first time around at my first RE’s office, well over a year ago. Sweet.

I’ve missed my chance to do CVS, though I guess I probably wouldn’t have anyway, not knowing the results of the triple screen. If there are issues, we’ll probably do an amnio. But I’m very much hoping there are none.

I don’t even know what to say these days. It still feels surreal. I still can’t believe a person is growing inside of me (and occasionally I find myself extremely freaked out by the whole idea). I was pretty nauseous there from about 5 1/2 to 13 or so weeks, but I think that’s finally starting to ease up – yay!! Food still doesn’t taste the same to me, though. I’m just barely starting to “show,” at least to me and my husband. I doubt anyone at work would be able to tell if they didn’t know any better. But I think it’s about time to start maternity-clothes-shopping, because my pants are getting uncomfortable. My fingernails are growing like crazy (but that’s partially because as soon as I noticed they were growing at all I stopped biting them–check out that self-control). My skin is a little worse. And my boobs, as far as I can tell, haven’t changed at all. I have a terrible headache right now, and I’m tired. All well worth it, but I thought someone out there might be interested. Maybe?

One more complaint: some of these food rules are RIDICULOUS. The cold cuts thing is the hardest for me, even though I probably miss sushi more. Seriously, I can’t get a turkey sandwich for lunch? It strikes me as out of control. The worst is that several of my pregnant or recently pregnant friends tell me they totally cheat/ed on that rule, but I have something of a stickler for a husband, and he really, really doesn’t want me to risk it. And I know, it seems so dumb to think about risking it at all, but I just have these moments where the only thing I can imagine eating is that turkey sandwich (with swiss, mustard, lettuce, tomatoes and lots of jalapenos…mmmm)…

Okay, that’s all. I’ll happily live with the rule, if that’s what it takes. Just wanted to bitch briefly. The things you don’t really think about (nor should you) before you’re pregnant…

That’s all. Anyone out there still reading, thank you for sticking with me. Let me know if I’ve forgotten to update on anything. Let me know if you have any questions for me. I love answering questions!!

I guess it didn’t seem like there was much to say until today…

Measuring 8 weeks 3 days today (exactly where I should be after last time), heartbeat 166 bpm. Everything is good and I’ve graduated to a real OB…whom I won’t see until July 30!! How will I survive until then? It seems like forever away.

It still doesn’t feel real to me. Seeing that little white teddy graham on the screen and hearing its heartbeat is breathtaking, but it’s hard to truly feel like it’s really my baby, inside of me and everything. My mom says once you start to feel it kick, it’s a whole different thing.

We’re really happy. I had been planning a post about how inconvenient all these early pregnancy symptoms are–not just the morning sickness, but the absolute dire need to be eating so ridiculously frequently and feeling absolutely like I’m about to pass out if I don’t, even when absolutely nothing sounds appealing to me, etc.–but it just seems ridiculous now (but I’m still glad I got that mini-bitch-fest in ). My husband and I even had a fight on the way to the doctor’s this morning because I was acting so grouchy about feeling so yucky and like I’m not drinking enough fluids (makes me nauseous) or eating enough healthy stuff (you get the idea). But now that stuff just seems silly. Of course, I’m sure it’ll eke back in little by little, so I’ll enjoy this little high while it lasts.

Our bodies are ridiculously amazing, huh?

Thanks to all of you for hanging out with me through all of this. It’s really, really special to me.

Not to sound morbid or anything. This morning we saw and heard (LOUDLY) a good heartbeat (I didn’t ask the rate but I saw at the bottom of the screen that it seemed to be hovering around 120 beats per minute). The little guy measured 6w3d which, though it is not as far along as I had hoped and as the people at the office suggested it might be based on my beta levels, puts me at ovulating exactly when I thought I did–on May 23. So I feel quite vindicated. And also very, very happy. Very happy indeed.

My progesterone and estrogen levels are good (we tested them again today), so all I have to do is survive and not drink alcohol for two weeks until my next ultrasound. And hope very much that I measure 8w3d that day. Or, you know, even further? Would that be a good thing? An unexpected growth spurt?

My husband was there with me today and I was so glad. Of course, he wouldn’t miss it. The doctor was so sweet about it all. He said everything looked as it should. And after he left, I cried a little. Hearing the heartbeat was really overwhelming. And, like, THERE’S SOMETHING LIVING INSIDE OF ME. Which I guess there always is, like bacteria and stuff. But A HUMAN THIS TIME. With A BEATING HEART.

I’m not sure I will ever get over this.