talking about myself

…for totally getting it. I just saw my acupuncturist (a huge pain in the ass smack in the middle of the week and smack in the middle of the workday, I might add), who thinks I did ovulate around the 22nd but thinks it wasn’t a “strong” ovulation, hence the handful of lower temperatures over the past two weeks. I am going back on the tea, and hopefully this next cycle will be shorter and the next ovulation “stronger.” I also ordered some ovulation predictors–something I thought I would never be able to use.

I’ve been telling people that I “don’t” ovulate. Now I guess…maybe…I do? Pretty cool stuff.

I just got my period. On my own. I’m not sure if anyone can understand what a big deal this is. In a good way.

I just cried a little.

Does this look like an ovulatory chart to you? I mean, as opposed to anovulatory? What I’m trying to ask is, do you think I ovulated? (Yes, I am way out there on day 55.) The huge temp spike in the middle is the one I mentioned several posts ago and was probably due to the fact that I drank the night before. Another smaller temp spike a week later was also probably due to the same thing. But I haven’t really been drinking over the last two weeks. Any thoughts?

Hi there. I’m sitting here, up later than I need to be, because it’s one of those nights when I can’t bring myself to give up on this day yet. But I really should.

I got two moles removed at the dermatologist today. They gave me local anesthetic, and stitched the wounds closed. I’ve never had stitches before. One of them is (well, was, of course) on my back, which means that it hurts when I try to lean back on anything, and I’m constantly worried I’m messing up the stitches. I forgot how going through something like that totally exhausts you. I barely got any work done afterwards, and I went home at like 4:15. This is bad. I am already behind on my hours and this is just making it worse. I came home and slept for over an hour, then gossiped with my best friend on the phone for an hour, then ate dinner and watched three hours of television. I feel like a bad person.

I know I’m not though. It’s just a feeling. I just feel so irresponsible about work and I’m scared I’m letting everything get fucked up. I’m scared I’m going to get in trouble for not working more. That’s generally not me–I always do what I’m supposed to. But maybe I’m just not cut out for doing what I’m supposed to in this environment?

Anyway, I’m not looking for anyone to tell me everything’s going to be okay, since I think it probably is. I just wanted to write about it a little. It somehow makes it feel more manageable.

Last Saturday, day 42 of my current cycle and no ovulation or period to speak of, I saw my acupuncturist. To my great relief, she actually conceded that maybe this whole tea-and-acupuncture treatment wasn’t going to work on me after all (at least not for getting me to ovulate or bringing back my period). She said I didn’t need to bother with the tea anymore (I didn’t really mind drinking it, but brewing it for two hours every other night has been an enormous pain in my ass), and she gave me some herbal pills. She said that she agrees that I should go back to Dr. M (my western doctor), but that she doesn’t want me to start up treatment with him again until I get a period. I wanted to laugh–I just don’t see that happening. But she is going to be out of town for the next two weekends, and by the time I next see her, three weeks will have gone by. If I haven’t gotten my period by then, I’m just going to say this has to stop. Then it’s back to Dr. M and starting IVF.

And I am really really ready for that. My husband’s cousin and his wife have been trying to get pregnant for probably about a year and a half now. They finally did IVF and last night she called me to tell me about her positive beta. I had such a great conversation with her, and it made me so excited. And for once, I didn’t feel even a touch of bitterness–just sheer happiness that it worked for her. Sure, that probably has a lot to do with the fact that it makes me feel like my chances are decent with IVF too, but I think that’s reasonable. Aren’t I allowed to get my hopes up yet, for this? It’s hard, because my husband doesn’t like to talk about it with me, especially right now when we’re not actively making something happen. He says he will if it’s important for me to talk about it, but that it’s painful for him to focus on it when he doesn’t feel like he can do anything about it for the time being. He says that, unlike me, he can’t bear to read stuff on the internet about any of it. It hurts him to have to think about the fact that we are not there yet.

He just called me and was wonderful. Even though he’s at work late, he jumped at the chance to get up early to go and buy me bandaids for my little wounds. I am very lucky, and even though I get pretty down on stuff on this blog (or maybe I’m misperceiving things?), I feel good about our chances. I can’t help being optimistic. I kind of feel like you have to be if you’re going to go through with this stuff at all.

So yeah, I felt like this was a crappy day because of the minor surgery and the not doing any work and the feeling fat (oh, didn’t I mention that?). But I feel better now. And I think I’m going to go to bed now.

P.S. I totally missed my blogiversary (I just cannot spell that in a way that makes me feel comfortable), which was on March 20. I can no longer deny that we have definitely been “trying” for over a year now. But I would like to point out that even though it’s been a year, we’ve only “tried” eight times. It’s not much, but it’s something.

I’m here. Everything’s cool. I almost posted last weekend when I had a huge high and then a pretty big low. But then the low got in the way and I didn’t feel like posting. You know how it goes.

What happened was that I had a major temperature spike on Saturday the 7th. And everything had lined up perfectly. I had seen more EWCM over the last couple of days than I had previously in the cycle, and I had temperature drop on Thursday morning, followed by a higher-than-any-temperatures-yet temp on Friday. And we had sex on Friday morning, so the timing was actually perfect. I even bought two pineapples on Friday, one for me to eat over the next five days (I have read and heard from numerous sources that some enzyme in pineapple is supposed to aid in implantation–I’m sure you’ve all read/heard it too), and one for my husband to have all to himself (we both love pineapple and I knew he’d be jealous if I had pineapple and wasn’t sharing with him). The next day, Saturday, was the major temp rise I was looking for. I was absolutely certain I had ovulated. And I happened to be seeing my acupuncturist that day and she rejoiced with me and told me she formulated the tea for me that week to help keep my temperature up and to help keep my endometrial lining good and strong and full. She put her arm around me and I told her I was very happy and she told me she was too and I hugged her. So yes, you could say I bought into this hook, line and sinker.

I know you know what happens next.

Sunday morning, my temperature was as low as ever. I was DEVASTATED. And the worst part was that no one understood. I tried to talk to a friend about it, and she clearly (to me, anyway) not only thought it shouldn’t be that big deal–it’s only ovulation, after all, not like I’d done IVF and gotten a BFN, but she also seemed to think it was silly of me to expect anything from this ridiculous Chinese tea. She didn’t say so, of course. I am probably reading way into her tone. But she did say, “Well, what’s in the tea…that must just be the same hormones you were injecting into yourself before, right?” She probably didn’t mean to, but she made me feel dumb for thinking it could work. She is a western doctor herself, though her area has nothing to do with fertility or OBGYN or anything even remotely related, and she has admitted she knows little about the subject. It made me feel like crap.

Of course, I eventually got over it, and learned to stop expecting shit from this treatment. Also, I realized, when I was able to step back and focus on it, that other stuff probably contributed to my Saturday morning temp spike. One was that I had had a couple of alcoholic drinks on Friday night. I didn’t know at the time, but that can and likely will result in a higher temperature the next morning. Also, I had had two cavities filled on Thursday morning. When that happens, when you get even tiny areas in your mouth cut, you can get minor infections that will cause your body to go into defense mode and which may cause a slight temperature increase. That probably caused the slightly higher-than-expected temp on Friday morning and contributed to the Saturday one. And whatever the reasons, we all have outliers. I don’t know why I got so carried away with thinking this was IT.

And nothing has happened since to make me think I’ve ovulated since. Although, I will say that I felt exhausted several afternoons last week, and especially thirsty, for no apparent reason. Towards the end of the week, I think my boobs started to hurt a little, though it’s really hard to tell. And on Friday I was having these weird cramps. None of this necessarily suggests I ovulated, but now I’m just hoping I get my period. Nothing yet, and I’m not holding my breath. At this moment, I’m just really looking forward to doing IVF. I’m no longer expecting anything from the Chinese medicine, other than a nice healthy break for my body.

Thanks for sticking with me, guys. Your comments and thoughts mean so much to me.

Hi. I know it’s been awhile. So I have a few updates for you.

First of all, I think I might be a jinx. That friend I wrote about in my last post, A, who got the BFP, got her period a week later. I guess it was a chemical pregnancy. I’m still waiting to hear about her second beta, but I think this is one of those situations where if she had never tested, she would never have known she got pregnant and would have just thought she had a late period. This now makes three friends of mine who have had two miscarriages in a row. Did I ever mention that my sister-in-law also miscarried this second pregnancy? So she’s not pregnant now either. I’m beginning to think people shouldn’t tell me about their pregnancies until the first trimester is well in the past. I feel terrible for all of them (the third friend is my friend M, but she had her second miscarriage in August and is now healthily into her second trimester), but I will admit that it makes me feel less “behind.” Sorry to sound awful, but I want to be honest. I know they are hurting, and I trust this will right itself for them soon.

Secondly, I’m getting discouraged about the acupuncture and herbal treatment. I have been faithfully drinking my tea twice a day and faithfully going to my acupuncture appointments once a week. After the first week, my acupuncturist said, “I hope your temperature spikes here,” pointing to around Cycle Day 14 on my basal body temperature chart. “If that happens, or if you start to see any EWCM,” google it if you don’t know what that is, “have intercourse.” That week went by and I thought I saw a little EWCM once or twice, but no temp spike. When I saw her on Cycle Day 14, she said, “I hope it happens this week.” It didn’t, and yesterday was Cycle Day 21, and still nothing. Like I said, once or twice I thought I saw a little bit of EWCM, but it has gotten drier lately and I have never seen a temp spike. I’m trying not to give up hope completely and hoping that perhaps my period will come back before my ovulation does (she said that often happens). But it makes me sad to think that what’s probably going to happen is, just like when I’m off all hormones completely (which I guess I am now, but I consider myself as getting treatment at the moment), I will not ovulate and I will not menstruate. Which is really fucking frustrating. Why can this work for so many people, but not for me?

But if we try this for 90 days and nothing happens, we’re just going straight into IVF. And it is good to know we have that option, that backup.

Finally, some good news: my firm had massive layoffs on Friday. Wait, that’s not the good news. That’s crappy news, actually. In fact, I lost one very, very good friend in that layoff. But the good news is that I did not get laid off and this is supposed to be “it.” No more layoffs, no more fear. The whole week was dreadful and we all knew it was coming, but as soon as it happened the air felt clearer. It sucks and it’s probably super easy for me to say that because I wasn’t one of the unlucky ones, but I spoke to my friend who seemed to be in considerably better spirits after it happened. Finally, no more worrying, no more fretting, and he can move on with his life and figure out what he really wants to do. Which wasn’t sticking with my firm. He’s a young guy and has a lot of time to explore and figure stuff out. I definitely think this is a good thing for him in the long run.

And that’s that. As always, thanks for your comments, guys. They make my day.

I think I mentioned about two months ago my good friend, A, who got pregnant in her first cycle off the pill and then miscarried and then told me about it, feeling guilty that she had gotten pregnant so quickly but also feeling like she could talk to me about it because she miscarried. Together, we waited for her period to come back and then my last cycle was a couple of weeks ahead of her first one after the miscarriage, and we proceeded to obsess together over OPKs (for her), timed intercourse, and possible pregnancy symptoms. Well, we all know how my cycle turned out.

She just emailed me and told me that she got a BFP. Her email was incredibly sweet and sensitive, telling me not to feel the need to respond right away, etc., and I would expect nothing less. But still…

Why is it so hard for me to be happy for her? I know it’s not about me, but I can’t help it–it *feels* like it’s about me. And furthermore, why can’t I shake this ridiculously foolish feeling every time this happens? I got her email and I just felt, well, stupid. Stupid for playing the “is this a symptom” game with her when I should have known she would be pregnant. Stupid for playing that game with her with respect to my own symptoms, when I should have known I would not be pregnant. Stupid for falling for any of it, for letting her get me hoping and worrying for her, when I never needed to be worried for her. I kept telling her I was sure she would get pregnant again quickly, and only held back on the off chance she didn’t. I wish I had just said, “A, guaranteed, you’ll be pregnant again on your first try.” Then at least I could now say, “I told you so.” And even though I am happy for her, I’m feeling something really horrible: I wish she hadn’t gotten that positive.

Because I’m selfish and awful. And I hope you’ll not hate me for it. And I won’t feel this way forever, but I feel it right now.

I just spoke to my husband about it, and he reinforced everything I already know: that I don’t look like a fool in A’s eyes, and that this feeling comes from some weird part of me that feels shame when I shouldn’t. And that I should really think about where that comes from and try to get rid of it. There’s nothing to be ashamed of here.

And I will work on it; I will try. And I know I will be happy for A–soon. But for the time being, I feel like an idiot and part of me wants to be completely honest and tell her that, but the other part of me knows that I can’t respond without congratulating her and telling her how happy I am for her. And that part of me really just doesn’t want to respond at all right now.

I have been completely out of commission (blog-wise) since my last post, and I did not see all your lovely comments until today! I have been working a LOT, which is a really good thing, because it’s making me feel much safer about my job and it’s making me feel good about myself. So good. Good on that.

And thank you! Thank you so much for your comments. They mean so much to me, and they really do tell me that you’ll stick with me and not give up on me. And that’s just huge to me.

I have been drinking The Tea for a week! You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you? Did you ever see the Sex and the City where Charlotte goes to the acupuncturist, and she sees some woman she knows (either in the waiting room at the acupuncturist or out and about whom she tells she seeing the acupuncturist) and the woman says, “Are you drinking the tea? You have to drink the tea!” I had forgotten all about that tea part of that episode, but my best friend reminded me this morning when I started telling her about my Chinese medicine adventures.

So this tea…well, I find it weird that I can’t find a thing about it on the internet, but this is what the woman I know who has PCOS drank to bring back her period. I don’t even know what this stuff is called, but now beginning my second week on it and having been given several new bags of it, the concoction appears to be slightly different this week anyway. Basically, when I saw my acupuncturist a week ago, she gave me several paper bags full of what appear to be sticks, leaves, weird orange raisin looking thinks, some pieces of bark and some chunks of white, well, it looks like wood or, best case scenario, like coconut or something. Anyway, I dump this in a pot, soak it in some water, boil the stuff for 40 minutes, strain it out, boil a bunch of water in it again, strain it altogether, and drink that, hot, twice a day for the next couple of days. It tastes pretty nasty, kind of like celery and other vegetation, and it is sweet, sour and bitter all at once. I’ve gotten kind of used to it by now, though, and it’s hard not to like the idea that it’s actually doing something.

Which, by the way, I am trying really, really hard not to expect. I have tried to find SOMETHING on the internet written about this, but I can only really find stuff when I search “acupuncture PCOS” or “chinese medicine PCOS” or “chinese herbs PCOS,” and I almost never find anything about this tea, but I do find that they say acupuncture and chinese medicine can be very effective for PCOS, but is less likely to be effective for a woman who has NO periods at all, rather than just irregular periods. Of course, I fall into the former camp, and doctors haven’t even been able to agree that I *have* PCOS. So who knows? I’m charting my temps and just sort of going along, and a week in it’s not too bad because of course I’m not expecting anything. But another week goes by, and I’ll be starting to hope I see a temperature shift, and if/when I don’t, that might be difficult. But I don’t know, we’ll see. I am trying to enjoy the break from the artificial hormones, and hoping my body takes this opportunity to heal itself, or something.

But the whole thing feels like voodoo to me.

Has anyone else ever heard of any of this before? I would love to hear what others know.

I hate to have to type this post yet again, and disappoint everyone yet again. It was negative.

I just don’t want you guys to give up on me. I know it gets to be a drag reading the blog of someone who fails so repeatedly, but my worst nightmare is that people will start to say, “maybe it really won’t ever work out for her,” and just stop reading because it’s too depressing.

I’m on to try the next thing, and it’s so hard to be hopeful, but I don’t have much of a choice.

..for your sweet and supportive comments. They totally make this blog worth keeping. Since Dana said so, I’m not going to test until Friday. And Callie, what’s the name of your new blog? I was sad when Patience Song went away…

Nothing new to report. Feeling very little of anything these days. The occasional odd light cramp, but also some ovary twinges. And my chin is breaking out rather disgustingly. Otherwise, nothing.

Last Friday I put in a question for my doctor asking if I needed to have a baseline ultrasound to check for cysts if I’m going to go into acupuncture and herbal treatment to bring back my period. I knew I wouldn’t get a response until some time this week. Then on Saturday I asked my acupuncturist if I need to worry about whether I have a cyst before starting her treatment, and she said, “You have baseline ultrasound. If cyst, tell me. No birth control pill.” Then I heard back from my doctor on Monday, who said I do NOT need to have a baseline ultrasound to check for cysts. So I wonder if I can just go see my acupuncturist and say, “I’m not having a baseline, so I might have a cyst. Does it matter?” I feel like she might say it’s fine. I’d rather not spend another $210 on an essentially unnecessary ultrasound.

That’s the latest thrilling news on my front. Wasn’t this a fun post?

I don’t have enough work to do. Argh. But at least I am wearing a cute outfit today. The high-waisted look really works on me. Oh, and yesterday I wore shoes with a platform and heel that add almost 5 inches to my height. Since I’m 5 feet tall, it was totally awesome. I felt like a normal person.

What can I say? I’ve got to get excited about something.