I don’t feel anything.

March 21, 2008 at 5:03 pm (Uncategorized)

Damn it, I can tell nothing is happening in there today.

When I had my ultrasound yesterday, the NP said “once they start growing, they grow 2 mm a day, so we’ll be okay if we wait until Monday.”  Meaning, “they won’t have gotten too big by then.”  I have a feeling we’d be okay if we waited weeks (except I’d run out of Menopur).  I’ve felt sore in the general abdominal area since I started the injections, but apparently I wasn’t feeling anything significant, because all my follicles were under 10 mm yesterday.  Now I’m not feeling anything, so what–are they shrinking?

Look, I realize I’m just being a baby.  Both the RE and the NP told me it usually takes a very long time to “wake up” the ovaries the first time around when they’re not used to ovulating (which mine most definitely aren’t–as I said, it’s probably been almost 10 years since they did it).  And they want to keep the dose low since we only want one, possibly two eggs to fully mature, since we’re doing timed intercourse at this point.  I guess it’s with IVF where you want as many eggs as you can get.

Wow, I just had an epiphany.  I now realize why some bloggers complain about their enormous, bloated, cramping ovaries, which they are on some confusing level trying to achieve, and some don’t and aren’t.  I guess the ones who want all the eggs are doing IVF.  Am I figuring it out?  Gold star?

We will eventually move on to IVF if this doesn’t work after a few tries.  Actually, we will reevaluate our situation if this doesn’t work after a few tries.  It’s kind of awful–my RE told me she was “very optimistic” about my chances, which of course is great (and please forgive me, fellow infertile women and men–I realize it’s not always fun to read this when your outlook is less sunny, and I also realize that I don’t know the half of it).  Oh but wait, I didn’t get to the awful part.  The awful part is how optimistic I am.  I mean, I am cautiously optimistic.  That is, when I’m talking to people.  But in my own mind I’m like, “Why shouldn’t this work even the very first time around?  We have no reason to believe there’s anything getting in our way…the only problem was anovulation and we’re taking care of that.”

Oh wait.  Except for the FSH of 10.  I keep forgetting about that.

Along those lines, I can’t figure out if that’s really high or not.  Some stuff I read suggests it’s not that bad–just borderline bad, or maybe even at the top of the “acceptable” range.  Other stuff I read suggests some clinics won’t even treat women with FSH levels this high.  Really?  My RE made it seem like it wasn’t that big a deal.  What’s the story with this?

Also, of course, there is always the possibility that we will discover other problems.  “Hmm, we’ve spent $5,000 on drugs and ultrasounds.  Should we check the fallopian tubes?  Oh look, there aren’t any.”  I will say this–I have no idea what an HSG is, but I hope I never have to find out.  I have not read a single positive review.

So anyway, I keep thinking I might be pregnant in a couple of weeks.  This scares me for many reasons.  The main one is that I will probably get my hopes dashed (even normal fertile people don’t usually get pregnant on their first try).  The second is that it’s scary to imagine being pregnant.  I actually have a really hard time imagining myself pregnant.  So in that sense, I almost don’t see it happening.  But I really, really want it to.  And I’m also really scared it will.  And even though I have become comfortable with the idea of leaving behind all the “young people” stuff you can do when you don’t have kids, I have, after all, only recently become comfortable with that.  And sometimes I think, “Oh wow, if I get pregnant, I’ll be…pregnant.”

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2 Comments

  1. sully said,

    Are you inside my head, and my body? Been on stims for 8 days now, and still feeling pretty much nada. The only symptoms I have is a slight bloat, and I’m so g_d d_mn tired! They still think there’s hope for me as well, but I’m not so sure. Here’s to hoping, and success for both of us! Welcome to this crazy ride!

  2. infertility just sucks said,

    My HSG wasn’t bad at all – seriously. There’s a link to the experience and photos in my sidebar if you want to check it out.

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