Hi. Yeah, sorry. I know.

April 29, 2008 at 4:51 pm (Uncategorized)

I haven’t written much because there isn’t much to say. When you’ve been through this before, it doesn’t seem very exciting anymore. I’m on CD 6, shots day 4.

On the one hand, I know I will be a lot more disappointed if I don’t get pregnant this time. It’s not “the first time” anymore, so I don’t feel like the whole, “what are the chances it will work the first time?” thing will comfort me. (Also, “what are the chances it will work the second time?” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.) On the other hand, it is really hard for me to imagine it working. Things certainly couldn’t progress any more smoothly than they did last time. There’s nothing I can think of to do differently (except cut out aspartame, but do I have to? I really don’t consume very much). And it just seems so hard to imagine myself pregnant. Me, pregnant?! It seems almost silly. And yet I want it so badly. So in a way, I think I’m just going right back to setting myself up for disappointment so it doesn’t hurt too much. I have to say, though, it is going to start feeling ridiculous doing this many more times…

Life goes on more easily now that it’s the second time around. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes not. I keep almost forgetting to take my prenatal vitamin. First of all, I don’t know how big a deal that even is. And secondly, I have set aside the fancy expensive prenatal vitamins for some over-the-counter folic acid supplements my mom gave me. There’s enough folic acid in there, I think, so I should be okay for now. Look, once I might potentially be pregnant, I will go back to taking the fancy ones, okay?

But the good thing is I can devote myself more to work now than I could during my first cycle. I still don’t have enough work to do and this still worries me, but it just makes me want to get pregnant more than ever, because with work being so slow this really is a good time. It’s only a matter of time before things pick up and work will become more stressful and it will be a bad time to be pregnant. I’d like to take advantage of this rare lull.

Out of boredom, I’ve been charting my basal body temperature. Mostly because I like charts. I realize it doesn’t really mean a thing because I’m artificially adding all these hormones to my body. It’s still fun to see a chart with a pattern, you know? The only problem is that sometimes when I wake up I get nervous or excited about my day, or something I have to do, or perhaps just taking my temperature (this is actually true–I am a really anxious person, something that probably isn’t helping my fertility at all), and my heart starts pounding immediately, and I’m certain that it’s raised my temperature, and I have no idea by how much. What a weirdo I am.

I did buy myself a bunch of new clothes this weekend because I had nothing and was hating the way I looked every day. So even though I have gained weight, and even though I’m hoping to gain a lot more weight in the next 9 or so months, I just needed to do this. It felt good, and I can feel good being seen at work again. Yay.

My first ultrasound is on Friday. Yeah, I am really not going to have anything interesting to report until then. And, most likely, even after then. As I have mentioned probably at least three times already, I am remaining on a dose of a half vial per day until I go in on Friday and we see if anything is happening. That is an extremely low dose, and I didn’t really make any progress last time until they upped me to 1 vial per day. In conclusion, I’ll unlikely have any exciting follicle news on Friday. The end.

What if I have two mature follicles this time? Then I will be excited because my chances will be better… but I will be scared because…twins?

This brings me to another topic I find sort of interesting. My doctor seems to want to do everything in her power to prevent me from growing more than one follicle. She seems more against it than any doctor I have ever read about (on, you know, blogs). She says it’s because I am young and there is no need to have two babies at once and it is more difficult, but I have another theory. I am five feet tall. I’m pretty sure I’ve read that women who are taller have an easier time carrying multiples because, well, I guess there’s more room for them to go, vertically, right? So maybe she anticipates that it would be harder for me to carry twins than even the average woman. The problem with this theory of mine is that I’m not sure why she wouldn’t just tell me that. On the other hand, she might not want to tell me that because she might not want to scare me. I’m scared anyway, so way to go, doc.

Oh, here’s some “other pregnant people” news, sort of. My brother and sister-in-law have one little boy, who will be 2 years old in June. She has made no secret of the fact that she wants a litter of these things. When my mom mentioned to her something about making skiing plans for Christmas, my sister-in-law said something like, “I don’t know, I might be pregnant…” Guys, she’s not even pregnant yet and this bothers me. Part of the reason is that I know she will get pregnant right away, just like she did the first time. She is like this picture of glowing radiance and health, and gorgeous, to top it off. Also, I just totally get what other women who have been through IF are talking about when they say they get jealous when they see or hear about other pregnant women even if they themselves are pregnant or have kids or even have all the kids they want!!! This just makes perfect sense to me–you see someone doing so easily something you had to try so hard to do, and it’s just hard. It’s like seeing those supermodel types who actually do eat whatever they want, don’t exercise, and still look amazing. Even if you think you are totally hot, but you have to work your ass off for it, it’s hard not to feel jealous of those people. (But anyway, who *really* thinks they’re totally, totally, totally hot? Sorry, but I hate you.) Or like seeing the kid who doesn’t study get an A. Even if you got an A too, if you had to work for it, it sucks.

HAVE MY ANALOGIES CLARIFIED THIS CONCEPT FOR YOU YET, OR DO WE NEED A FEW MORE?

God, sometimes I annoy myself.

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Some good news.

April 26, 2008 at 11:59 am (Uncategorized)

My cycle day 2 FSH was 3.4. The doctor said this was fantastic. I was so happy I almost collapsed.

I don’t know why this was making me so nervous. I am also not entirely sure this really matters that much. I mean, I did at one point have an FSH level of 10 (doctor said it was “slightly high,” some doctors won’t even treat you at that level, others would say it’s normal), and I know they “take you at your highest.” At the same time, however, they are supposed to measure it on cycle day 2 or 3, and when I got that 10 I had no cycle. I had stopped taking the pill in April 2007, got a period, and hadn’t had one by the time I got the FSH of 10 in January 2008. So I would like to believe that this 3.4 is more trustworthy than the 10. I feel really good about it. I actually woke up happy today, just because of that.

Still, of course, I can have all the “good” results in the world, but until I’m pregnant (and then until I have the baby, and then until…I die), I can’t really stop worrying, can I?

Started shots again today. I’m only doing 1/2 vial a day, and going in for a u/s on Friday. Not expecting much on such a low dose, though.

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I’ve been quiet.

April 25, 2008 at 10:17 am (Uncategorized)

There hasn’t been much going on around here besides bleeding, and I’ve been really busy at work. I still am, so this will be brief.

I went in this morning to get a Day 2/3 FSH test–should get the results later today. Am nervous about this, as my FSH was elevated (around 10) when I was tested in January. I’m really scared it’s going to be even higher this time. I’m not sure it would affect what I do, but if it’s too high maybe the doctor would just say, “Never mind, it’s never going to work for you.” Blech.

But, in a gesture of wild, blind optimism, I picked up my meds at the pharmacy this morning. To my delight, I discovered that the price of Menopur has actually been raised! And here I was thinking this was going to be a bad day. Another woman waiting for her meds said to me, “Just think of it as a small house payment.” Yeah, if I owned a house that might make it sting less, but oh, who knows. Maybe it would be worse.

But anyway, whatever. We’re doing it. I start the shots tomorrow, and we’re doing 1/2 a vial per day again, until I go in for an ultrasound next Friday, May 2, and then we’ll see. Hopefully things will move faster this time.

Hope everyone out there is doing well. I suppose I’d better get some work done now.

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I’m back!

April 21, 2008 at 6:31 pm (Uncategorized)

Thanks for all your comments, guys. They helped.

So, the doctor really took her time calling me, which is why I’m posting on this so late. Sorry about that.

So yeah, it’s negative. But I really don’t feel horrible. There are a number of reasons for this.

1. I prepared myself for this by all but drawing a final conclusion over the last few days. I truly was completely, completely expecting it (even though I did allow myself to occasionally fantasize about her calling and saying, “Well, my dear, I have some good news…”).

2. This was only my first time. I know, I really wanted it to work, but it’s not so shocking that it didn’t. It wouldn’t have worked for approximately four out of five reproductively normal couples, either.

3. The only bad thing she had to say was that I am not pregnant. She said everything went perfectly. In fact, she started out the conversation by saying, “Well, I wish I had better news for you. But we got you to ovulate!” The nurse said it this morning too. I am beginning to realize that that aspect of it is often pretty difficult. She said everything happened as it was supposed to and she suspected that the egg probably fertilized and even implanted, but that the embryo was probably just abnormal, as many (if not most) of them are. I’m not sure why she thought the fertilization and implantation occurred, other than that probabilistically I guess that’s what usually happens when there’s sperm and an egg in the same place at the same time? I’ll just assume that. I also brought a copy of my husband’s sperm analysis that he had had done in January of ’07 and she said it looked great and that it was recent enough, so that’s a load off our minds (ahem…seriously no pun intended).

She said she wants to go ahead and do exactly what we did last time, starting with 1/2 vial of Menopur (she feels very strongly about avoiding multiples) and working our way up. The one major downside…wait, no, the two major downsides are:

I’m not pregnant. (duh.)

I have to drop another truckload of cash on a new cycle. She’s ordering me up ten vials of Menopur this time, instead of five to start with like last time. Hopefully I won’t need more than those ten? I needed way more than that last time, but she thinks it should go faster this time.

The one major upside…wait, no, the two major upsides are:

Wine.

Sushi.

And not necessarily in that order.

Oh, I’m such a girl.

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This won’t be a fun post.

April 19, 2008 at 5:05 pm (Uncategorized)

I haven’t been writing because there’s not much to say. I’ve pretty much given in to the idea that it didn’t work for me this time. I, unlike some people, have no self-control (and I also have an extremely pregnancy-test-happy husband), so I have been testing on several tests a day for the last couple of days. Nothing. Today should be about 12 days past ovulation. I’m going in for blood work on Monday, but I really think this is a no-go. I also have had virtually no symptoms, except for some cramping sometimes, which I don’t feel right now. So yeah, I have accepted this. On to the next try.

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I feel sad today.

April 17, 2008 at 10:24 am (Uncategorized)

I guess it’s 10 dpo. I took a dollar-store test this morning–negative. However, the “Be Certain” brand does not inspire confidence (a sunflower seed shell fell out of the box of the first one I used), so before the five minutes were even up, I had cracked open a First Response Early Result. Negative.

Felt crampy and bloated again last night. Today I don’t feel crampy, or even bloated. I just feel fat. And sad. My pants barely fit anymore because I have been eating like a pregnant person for the last three weeks, and not really exercising. I am weepy and pathetic. Not feeling so strong today. Not saying I’m proud of it, I’m just saying it.

It would help if I felt better about work, but I don’t. I have nothing to do right now, and deep down I know I should be seeking out more work, but I am scared and lazy and I don’t want to. I want to wallow in self-pity. I want to be told I’m doing a wonderful job and that I don’t need to work any harder, even though that is so blatantly untrue that I kind of laughed just now as I was writing it.

What the hell is wrong with me? I am not the person I want to be right now. I want to be tough, lighthearted, positive, and industrious. I want to be so confident about who I am that I don’t have to care so much about how I look. I want to feel in control and be able to deal with a result that, while disappointing, I should have been prepared for because, after all, I have always known that it is the most likely outcome.

And most of all, I want to figure out all my shit before I am a parent. I would never forgive myself for fucking up my child because I couldn’t get over my stupid-ass hangups.

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Whoa.

April 16, 2008 at 1:58 pm (Uncategorized)

I am experiencing an inexplicable uptick in hits today. Can anyone enlighten me on why this might be?

Also, if you do drop by, it would totally make my day if you would drop a comment. Just a hello, include more info if you’d like. No pressure, and I’ll never know if you don’t. If you don’t keep a blog yourself you may not realize how completely thrilling it is to get comments, which suggest someone is actually reading the crap you’re spewing forth. Also, I’m lonely.

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This just in: waiting sucks.

April 16, 2008 at 11:39 am (Uncategorized)

When I took the bar exam, I had to wait three and a half months to find out the results. It was the hardest exam I think I had ever taken in my life, and it seemed to me I could easily have failed. Waiting to find out whether I passed truly sucked. It sucked the most at the very beginning, after I had just taken the test and the questions (and my answers) were still fresh in my mind, and at the very end of the wait when I started thinking about how it would affect my life if I failed, how I would tell people, whether I could bear the idea of spending several thousand dollars for a prep course again, studying for months again, taking the exam again, only to have to wait another three and a half months for the results…again.

By contrast, I only have to wait two weeks to find out whether I am pregnant. A paltry amount, really, considering how long I have had to wait for results in the past. Furthermore, unlike the bar exam, even if it doesn’t work out I can try again right away. I can try to get pregnant many more times in one year than I can try to pass the bar in one year.

Where, then, have I gotten the nerve to be so damn pathetic and whiny about this two week wait? Why can’t I go an hour without googling another symptom?

I’ll tell you why. Because I have to live in this body every second of every day, and I have to feel everything it feels, and everything it feels is a constant reminder that what it feels MAY or MAY NOT be a sign that I AM or AM NOT pregnant. Which I want to be, more than pretty much anything in the world. If I could take a two week break from my body, I really think that would help. I’d probably want to call it all the time and ask it, “What are you feeling now? Cramps? I’m going to Google that.” But as long as I’m making up this fantasy, I’m going to go ahead and say that my body, without my mind in it, doesn’t know how to use the phone. So there. I can’t know a thing until test day.

Yes, that would probably be easier.

10 day past trigger, probably 9 days past ovulation today. Still on estrogen and progesterone. Cramping has all but completely subsided. Even feeling less bloated. Feeling warm.

I have hopes, but they aren’t high. It’s too scary to let them be high, anyway.

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Fine. I get it.

April 15, 2008 at 9:41 pm (Uncategorized)

I can’t keep trying to interpret everything I feel. For every “symptom” I’m having, there are 100 women who had the symptom and were pregnant, and 100 who had it and weren’t. I feel sort of depressed. I will continue to be positive because I can’t help it–I want to believe this can work this time. But I can’t be in that giddy way I was last night anymore. It will kill me.

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Bored.

April 15, 2008 at 1:33 pm (Uncategorized)

I sort of wish I had more to do at work. I sort of don’t. I have too much time to analyze my symptoms. I am enjoying analyzing my symptoms. I am exhausted. I couldn’t sleep for hours last night.

After I posted, and on into the evening, the cramping got worse. It’s kind of like menstrual cramping, but rather than occasional spikes of intensity, it is more low level and constant. It was hard to get comfortable in bed last night. It’s hard to sit comfortably in this chair right now.

But as the evening wore on, and the cramps became harder to ignore, I became increasingly convinced that this was it. By the time I was in bed, I was actually thinking things like, “Wow, I can’t believe I’m pregnant,” and “how am I going to tell my friends?” It was really weird. It was like I just kind of…knew. And I realize I could have been wrong, but there is still a part of me that is having one of those “women and their mysterious ways of knowing” moments. I’ve never felt like this before, I guess. And while, yes, it could be due to the hormones I’m still externally administering to myself, I just…I don’t know. I don’t totally believe it.

But then again, maybe it’s just my period.

Of course I’ve Googled this, but I played dumb and called the nurse at my RE’s office. She said, “It could be either implantation cramping or menstrual cramping.” Thanks. I asked innocently, “When should I be expecting my period?” She said, “Around the time you’re supposed to test.” That’s next Monday. I said, “Doesn’t this seem kind of early for menstrual cramping if I’m not going to start menstruating for a week?” She said, “It could be your uterus trying to menstruate, but the progesterone isn’t letting it.”

Really? I always figured cramping went right along with the shedding of the lining. Isn’t that what the cramping is for, after all? I always pictured my uterus wringing itself out like a towel. I guess some people say they get cramps up to a week before their period starts, but that has never happened to me. I usually start cramping the day before. Then again, all the periods I can recall were pill-induced, so maybe this is different.

So basically, I was trying to get her to say, “Oh, that’s a good sign!” But she wouldn’t. Too slippery for me, that nurse is.

However, I am going into the office on Monday for a blood test, so I can let them tell me I’m pregnant instead of having to rely on a stick. I’m sort of glad for that. Maybe I’ll use up my last two sticks over the next couple of days, just to treat myself. Because I deserve it.

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