April 3, 2008 at 2:05 pm (Uncategorized)

So it seems painful ovaries are normal. That’s good to hear. I’d also like to believe they are a good sign.

But I’d only like to believe that now, as opposed to this morning when I hoped it didn’t mean anything. That’s because this morning they weren’t hurting, and I convinced myself they’d gone back into hibernation. Now, after lunch, they hurt again. Not terribly–never terribly. But they do ache. I can feel them. It makes my lower back hurt sort of too.

I really want to believe that everything we’ve seen so far is fine and that nothing has been a bad sign. I want to believe that my ovaries will indeed wake up and do what they’re supposed to, and that it’s just a matter of time. And also, I really want to believe that my doctor’s office knows what they’re doing and are looking out for me. It bugs me when I read about what other people’s doctors are telling them and I realize the people at my office are not telling me these things. And I don’t like that I don’t know who is right. For instance, when my follicles were all under (but not far from) 10 mm the nurse said they are probably always like that and didn’t bother measuring them. But it seems other people’s doctors think seeing some 7 and 8 mm follicles suggests a response to the hormones and that this is a good sign. My nurse also didn’t mention anything to me about exercise until I asked. Okay, I just got bored with this topic.

I had an intense dream about having a baby last night. I’ve had dreams about having babies before, but it’s so much more directly related to my life now. In this dream, I had just had a baby boy, and we had brought him home. He had one brown eye (I have brown eyes) and one blue eye (my husband has blue eyes), and I thought this was totally awesome. Even though the baby wasn’t crying loudly, I could tell there was something wrong with him. So I was holding him in my arms, walking around with him and trying to make him feel better. Then I suddenly realized that the problem was that he was pooping in his pants, his first poop ever, and we didn’t have any diapers. And my husband and I were sort of laughing at the whole thing but I was also panicking, trying to communicate to my husband that he needed to run to the store right away and get diapers. I remember thinking, “Get the smallest size they carry.” But it was the middle of the night, and he wouldn’t go. And I just remember thinking, “How stupid are we that we didn’t get any diapers before having this kid?”

So, yes. I have some anxiety about becoming a mom. Who doesn’t? But the thing is, I also remember knowing in the dream that this tiny baby already thought of me as the center of his universe, and only felt comfortable in this new cold world as long as he was clinging to me. And it was a really, really good feeling.



  1. Patti said,

    I know what you mean about different doctor’s offices doing things a bit differently and how it can drive you nuts. But, just because they don’t give you all the information doesn’t mean they don’t know what they’re doing. Maybe for some people who have very poor follies, the 7 or 8 mm ones do mean they’re responding to drugs and the fact that you had them there so early means that your body wasn’t that bad off?

    Just a guess.

    I love dreams of babies like that! I have a ton of them and it feels so wonderful and motivates me to hang in there. That’s not the case for everyone, but I’ll take whatever happy baby feelings I can get. 🙂

  2. Angie said,

    In my opinion, painful ovaries are a very good sign – and also very normal! I’m experiencing them myself, right now. Thanks for stopping by my blog – I just wanted to let you know that I’m reading and cheering you on. As far as your clinic, just keep asking a ton of questions. You have a right to know anything you want or clarify anything you’re confused about – it is your body! Good luck!

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