This just in: waiting sucks.

April 16, 2008 at 11:39 am (Uncategorized)

When I took the bar exam, I had to wait three and a half months to find out the results. It was the hardest exam I think I had ever taken in my life, and it seemed to me I could easily have failed. Waiting to find out whether I passed truly sucked. It sucked the most at the very beginning, after I had just taken the test and the questions (and my answers) were still fresh in my mind, and at the very end of the wait when I started thinking about how it would affect my life if I failed, how I would tell people, whether I could bear the idea of spending several thousand dollars for a prep course again, studying for months again, taking the exam again, only to have to wait another three and a half months for the results…again.

By contrast, I only have to wait two weeks to find out whether I am pregnant. A paltry amount, really, considering how long I have had to wait for results in the past. Furthermore, unlike the bar exam, even if it doesn’t work out I can try again right away. I can try to get pregnant many more times in one year than I can try to pass the bar in one year.

Where, then, have I gotten the nerve to be so damn pathetic and whiny about this two week wait? Why can’t I go an hour without googling another symptom?

I’ll tell you why. Because I have to live in this body every second of every day, and I have to feel everything it feels, and everything it feels is a constant reminder that what it feels MAY or MAY NOT be a sign that I AM or AM NOT pregnant. Which I want to be, more than pretty much anything in the world. If I could take a two week break from my body, I really think that would help. I’d probably want to call it all the time and ask it, “What are you feeling now? Cramps? I’m going to Google that.” But as long as I’m making up this fantasy, I’m going to go ahead and say that my body, without my mind in it, doesn’t know how to use the phone. So there. I can’t know a thing until test day.

Yes, that would probably be easier.

10 day past trigger, probably 9 days past ovulation today. Still on estrogen and progesterone. Cramping has all but completely subsided. Even feeling less bloated. Feeling warm.

I have hopes, but they aren’t high. It’s too scary to let them be high, anyway.

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2 Comments

  1. Mel said,

    Ditto.

    Siiiiiiiiiiigh.

    We are pathetic, aren’t we? At least we have eachother!
    *hugs*

  2. Waiting said,

    LOL. You are too funny. So…you’ve let this 2WW make you completely crazy, huh? Yeah, me too. I’m keeping my hopes at way-sub-earth-low-levels, and yet I’m encouraging everyone else to be hopeful! hopeful! hopeful! I’m such a hypocrite! 😉

    Seriously, you know you have a fantastic shot this month! I’m happy to hear that at least your cramps have gone away, too. 🙂 Here we come positive pee sticks!

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