I feel sad today.

April 17, 2008 at 10:24 am (Uncategorized)

I guess it’s 10 dpo. I took a dollar-store test this morning–negative. However, the “Be Certain” brand does not inspire confidence (a sunflower seed shell fell out of the box of the first one I used), so before the five minutes were even up, I had cracked open a First Response Early Result. Negative.

Felt crampy and bloated again last night. Today I don’t feel crampy, or even bloated. I just feel fat. And sad. My pants barely fit anymore because I have been eating like a pregnant person for the last three weeks, and not really exercising. I am weepy and pathetic. Not feeling so strong today. Not saying I’m proud of it, I’m just saying it.

It would help if I felt better about work, but I don’t. I have nothing to do right now, and deep down I know I should be seeking out more work, but I am scared and lazy and I don’t want to. I want to wallow in self-pity. I want to be told I’m doing a wonderful job and that I don’t need to work any harder, even though that is so blatantly untrue that I kind of laughed just now as I was writing it.

What the hell is wrong with me? I am not the person I want to be right now. I want to be tough, lighthearted, positive, and industrious. I want to be so confident about who I am that I don’t have to care so much about how I look. I want to feel in control and be able to deal with a result that, while disappointing, I should have been prepared for because, after all, I have always known that it is the most likely outcome.

And most of all, I want to figure out all my shit before I am a parent. I would never forgive myself for fucking up my child because I couldn’t get over my stupid-ass hangups.

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5 Comments

  1. Waiting said,

    I’m sorry. I wish I had something inspiring to tell you. Will you keep testing? I know you know this, but there’s still a possibility. I know that doesn’t really help to hear, though, because you want results now, and so would I. Nothing is wrong with you. You’re just going through a crappy time, and it WILL someday get better. Again, it’s the waiting that makes this so damn difficult. Sending you a big hug. Feel better.

  2. Mel said,

    Bummer!! I am so sorry you are having such a bad day… I’ve been there, too. Up and downs of hormones more than anything, you know? I am staying positive for you when you don’t feel up to it, and hoping that things work out this cycle. Only a few more days left in your 2WW!! Just think that no matter what happens, at least the waiting will be over.
    *hugs*

  3. sara said,

    I hope the next few days go by quickly and what you are feeling is normal! This is a crappy thing to have to go through. Sending some hugs 🙂

  4. Handsandfeet said,

    It’s still so early. Don’t get too depressed yet! I used to think testing early would let me down easier, but found that instead it just created more days of depression. Keep your chin up! The end is the worst part, I swear… may this be your ONLY 2ww for a while!

  5. sully said,

    I agree with not giving up. 10DPO is still pretty early. Nothing is definite until the beta. Try and stay confident. I’m thinking of you!

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