Hi. Yeah, sorry. I know.

April 29, 2008 at 4:51 pm (Uncategorized)

I haven’t written much because there isn’t much to say. When you’ve been through this before, it doesn’t seem very exciting anymore. I’m on CD 6, shots day 4.

On the one hand, I know I will be a lot more disappointed if I don’t get pregnant this time. It’s not “the first time” anymore, so I don’t feel like the whole, “what are the chances it will work the first time?” thing will comfort me. (Also, “what are the chances it will work the second time?” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.) On the other hand, it is really hard for me to imagine it working. Things certainly couldn’t progress any more smoothly than they did last time. There’s nothing I can think of to do differently (except cut out aspartame, but do I have to? I really don’t consume very much). And it just seems so hard to imagine myself pregnant. Me, pregnant?! It seems almost silly. And yet I want it so badly. So in a way, I think I’m just going right back to setting myself up for disappointment so it doesn’t hurt too much. I have to say, though, it is going to start feeling ridiculous doing this many more times…

Life goes on more easily now that it’s the second time around. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes not. I keep almost forgetting to take my prenatal vitamin. First of all, I don’t know how big a deal that even is. And secondly, I have set aside the fancy expensive prenatal vitamins for some over-the-counter folic acid supplements my mom gave me. There’s enough folic acid in there, I think, so I should be okay for now. Look, once I might potentially be pregnant, I will go back to taking the fancy ones, okay?

But the good thing is I can devote myself more to work now than I could during my first cycle. I still don’t have enough work to do and this still worries me, but it just makes me want to get pregnant more than ever, because with work being so slow this really is a good time. It’s only a matter of time before things pick up and work will become more stressful and it will be a bad time to be pregnant. I’d like to take advantage of this rare lull.

Out of boredom, I’ve been charting my basal body temperature. Mostly because I like charts. I realize it doesn’t really mean a thing because I’m artificially adding all these hormones to my body. It’s still fun to see a chart with a pattern, you know? The only problem is that sometimes when I wake up I get nervous or excited about my day, or something I have to do, or perhaps just taking my temperature (this is actually true–I am a really anxious person, something that probably isn’t helping my fertility at all), and my heart starts pounding immediately, and I’m certain that it’s raised my temperature, and I have no idea by how much. What a weirdo I am.

I did buy myself a bunch of new clothes this weekend because I had nothing and was hating the way I looked every day. So even though I have gained weight, and even though I’m hoping to gain a lot more weight in the next 9 or so months, I just needed to do this. It felt good, and I can feel good being seen at work again. Yay.

My first ultrasound is on Friday. Yeah, I am really not going to have anything interesting to report until then. And, most likely, even after then. As I have mentioned probably at least three times already, I am remaining on a dose of a half vial per day until I go in on Friday and we see if anything is happening. That is an extremely low dose, and I didn’t really make any progress last time until they upped me to 1 vial per day. In conclusion, I’ll unlikely have any exciting follicle news on Friday. The end.

What if I have two mature follicles this time? Then I will be excited because my chances will be better… but I will be scared because…twins?

This brings me to another topic I find sort of interesting. My doctor seems to want to do everything in her power to prevent me from growing more than one follicle. She seems more against it than any doctor I have ever read about (on, you know, blogs). She says it’s because I am young and there is no need to have two babies at once and it is more difficult, but I have another theory. I am five feet tall. I’m pretty sure I’ve read that women who are taller have an easier time carrying multiples because, well, I guess there’s more room for them to go, vertically, right? So maybe she anticipates that it would be harder for me to carry twins than even the average woman. The problem with this theory of mine is that I’m not sure why she wouldn’t just tell me that. On the other hand, she might not want to tell me that because she might not want to scare me. I’m scared anyway, so way to go, doc.

Oh, here’s some “other pregnant people” news, sort of. My brother and sister-in-law have one little boy, who will be 2 years old in June. She has made no secret of the fact that she wants a litter of these things. When my mom mentioned to her something about making skiing plans for Christmas, my sister-in-law said something like, “I don’t know, I might be pregnant…” Guys, she’s not even pregnant yet and this bothers me. Part of the reason is that I know she will get pregnant right away, just like she did the first time. She is like this picture of glowing radiance and health, and gorgeous, to top it off. Also, I just totally get what other women who have been through IF are talking about when they say they get jealous when they see or hear about other pregnant women even if they themselves are pregnant or have kids or even have all the kids they want!!! This just makes perfect sense to me–you see someone doing so easily something you had to try so hard to do, and it’s just hard. It’s like seeing those supermodel types who actually do eat whatever they want, don’t exercise, and still look amazing. Even if you think you are totally hot, but you have to work your ass off for it, it’s hard not to feel jealous of those people. (But anyway, who *really* thinks they’re totally, totally, totally hot? Sorry, but I hate you.) Or like seeing the kid who doesn’t study get an A. Even if you got an A too, if you had to work for it, it sucks.

HAVE MY ANALOGIES CLARIFIED THIS CONCEPT FOR YOU YET, OR DO WE NEED A FEW MORE?

God, sometimes I annoy myself.

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5 Comments

  1. Waiting said,

    He, he…too funny and not annoying at all. First, I’m an overly anxious person, too! I used to have the crazy awful panic attacks (but that was a long time ago). Also, my doc seems fearful of multiples, too, when all I can think about is- “omg, if I have to go through this every time I want a child, pleeeeease knock me up with twins.” I’m sure it’s just the meds making me think this way, but honestly…I’m not too proud to admit that I would take twins any day of the week versus no-baby. Get ’em out of the way and be done, ya know? Ok, third- I have a sister-in-law who already has one child and is currently trying for another. Like you said, I KNOW she will get preg before me. I mean, duh. I have another sis-in-law that got married after us, and I’m positive she’ll get preg before us, too. So, I feel your sister-in-law pain. I don’t like either of mine, actually, so I hope you at least get along ok w/ yours. 🙂

    I hope your u/s goes great Friday. Sending you some big follie vibes. My appt. is on Tuesday.

    Have a good night blogger bud!

  2. sara said,

    Just wanted to wish you the best of luck on the ultrasound Friday. It’s cool you got a chance to do some shopping. Retail therapy always makes me feel better! I’ll be thinking of you 🙂

  3. Mel said,

    Ugh.
    The whole desparately trying to avoid multiple follicles thing is starting to wear me out, too. At this point in my situation, I feel like I better get two for the price of one or I am getting ripped off. (and horrified to think I might have to go through all of this again someday if I ever even get pregnant this time!)
    I guess with the whole crazy of fertility drug related multiples, RE’s are starting to get more cautious and careful with the distribution of drugs. I have actually come thisclose to ignoring mine and just taking more than the dose he suggested.
    But I didn’t.
    Don’t want to die of OHSS or something terrifying.

    Sigh.
    Come visit me in Dallas and we’ll go shopping and bitch about our 1/2 vials of Menopur in person over coffee.

    PS-can I kick your sister in law in the shin, please?

    *hugs*

  4. Angie said,

    Hey – I just wanted to let you know that I’m here and also hoping the best for you this cycle.

    I also wanted to comment about about the follicle issue. I have always been afraid of more than one follicle because I really would like to have another singleton. BUT at this point in the game, I am all like bring it on. The follicles, not the twins. So, this morning when I saw the two mature follicles, I was like, “yikes!” and instantly questioned my nurse. She assurred me that the goal with two follicles is NOT to get me pregnant with twins, it is to give me better odds to get pregnant period. She said each follicle only has a 15% percent chance and that while of course there is a risk of twins, it is pretty unlikely. Maybe it is totally circumstancial? My DH and I are dealing with male factor, so I don’t know? I do know that every doctor is so different so I guess it just depends. At some point, you could address it with your doctor and tell him you are okay with the risk? I have no idea.

    And by the way – I have so many pregnant friends and family around me right now that it makes me nuts. This happened to me last time too – the whole time I was TTC, there were about 8-10 pregnancies around me and I would be so bummed out. The good news was that when I finally did get pregnant, I was th only one so it was nice to be in the spotlight.

    Hang in there…I’m keeping my fingers crossed for both of us this Friday.

  5. Lady Bits said,

    I do ‘this could be insane, I might be pregnant next month’ clothes shopping too. I tell myself that if I spend much, much more money than is necessary I am bound to get pregnant, because that’s sod’s law. I haven’t got pregnant yet but I do have a full wardrobe of very nice clothes. I am going to New York again this summer so it’s going to be $$$$$$. Whoo hoo!

    Good luck with this cycle Tam.

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