Fuck it.

May 9, 2008 at 11:13 am (Uncategorized)

You know what? I’m not done yet. I need to rant right now.

There are a number of reasons it’s so goddamn frustrating when this happens, when things aren’t moving along quickly enough. The least of those reasons is the fear that I won’t eventually be able to ovulate. Sure, it’s possible, but it seems unlikely given that we were able to do it once before. I don’t want to be cavalier about it, and I certainly don’t take it for granted, but it just seems like a pointless thing to worry about.

So instead, I’ve come up with some really awesome things to fret over.

First of all, I fucking hate how fucking fat I feel. Yes, I have gained weight in this process, and yes, it annoys the fuck out of me. It probably doesn’t look like that much weight to anyone else, but it feels like a shitload to me. Clothes don’t fit me the same, and I feel jiggly and not cute. It’s irritating. Especially because, as I’m sure every person reading this knows, if I were pregnant it might actually feel worth it. But the longer this process drags on without me being pregnant, the longer I have to feel uselessly fat. (Oh by the way, I think the reason I’ve gained weight is because I’m not supposed to exercise too strenuously–also I’ve just let myself go because this is a lot to deal with.) Same goes for the feeling of having other people looking at me and thinking I’ve gained weight. If I were pregnant, there would be an explanation. I mean, not that I’d tell every person who looked at me that I was pregnant, but you know, psychologically it would feel better. And it’s frustrating because I have certain events coming up that I’d really like to look my best for. Let’s just say one of them kind of revolves around me. So yeah, I want to look cute. I wish I didn’t care, but I do. It’s just annoying. Blech.

The other annoyance is, of course, the cost. My doctor’s office has not been so generous with the samples this round. And by not so generous, I mean I haven’t gotten a damn thing. Oh wait, that’s not true. I got eight crappy estrogen patches (not boxes, single patches). I shouldn’t complain, though–I’ve never had to buy those before and they’re probably like $175 per patch. And I know I shouldn’t complain about the office not giving me free stuff. It was extremely generous of them to give me the stuff in the first place, and they certainly don’t have to. But man, it just feels like the bloom is off the rose, you know? Like, they’re no longer looking at me as the sweet, rosy-faced young thing bouncing in with a fluffy uterine lining and a never-say-never disposition. Now I’m just another sad, pale, faceless infertile, yawning as I shuffle in at the crack of dawn to have someone shove a cold plastic probe inside me just so they can tell me that my tired ovaries still look like spotted dick.

See, that’s how they get you. They give you the stuff for free until you get hooked, and then they start charging you a pretty penny for it. Man, I’m going to be jealous when I see their next favorite. Or should I say unsuspecting victim?

Also, can I just say that right now it really doesn’t feel like this time is going to be the time? Not for any particular reason, just, why should it? I mean, why should it work this time? Oh, I’ll still get my hopes up during that two week wait, you can bet on it. But I still feel right now like, please. Give me a break. With a 20% chance each time, I’m not really sure how anyone gets pregnant.

I’m tired and I don’t want to be here (at work). I want to go home and sleep and eat and not exercise and watch America’s Next Top Model. It is an unbelievably cloudy, grey day, very uncharacteristic for around here, and I’m bummed that my friends have to come in on such a yucky weekend.

And to top it all off, I’m getting droopy eyelids. This completely disgusts me.

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4 Comments

  1. Mel said,

    We are mood twins today. I know usually one of us is down while the other is up, but today we are two miserable sacks in the same boat.
    I am sorry about your less than fabulous appointment. That slow crap sucks, and I really feel for you. I’d be sick of waiting, too. I cannot understand why your RE won’t up your dose and just let you get on with your life for cripe’s sake.
    I am a fatass, too. None of my work pants fit. I ACTUALLY sat at my desk yesterday with the button undone and forgot to button it before I went in to my boss and it hit me as I was sitting across from him that my freaking pants were open. Ughhhhhh. I can’t work out and I never feel like cooking anymore on top of the hormonal bloat. Damnit!

    I have no words of encouragement or wisdom. Only to say that I hope you enjoy many cocktails this weekend and hoping that Tuesday will provide a better u/s. I am thinking of you.
    *hugs*

  2. sully said,

    Hey there – try and keep your chin up. I know it’s rough. Thinking of you! And don’t worry about the fatness – you’ll be able to get it back eventually!

  3. Angie said,

    I’m in the same boat as you too (as you could probably tell from my post today about progesterone) so I am not going to be much help. At leat you will know that you are not alone! 🙂 The waiting sucks. Period. And there is so much of it in any given cycle. No matter what, it feels as though you are waiting for something. And that fat thing – don’t even get me started. I agree, if feeling this horrible, border-line embarrassing bloated feeling meant that I would get pregnant then I would glady sport my too tight in the waistline pants.

    Hang in there, hon. I hope that follicle gets its butt in gear and starts growing. Who knows, this could be your future child – and a stubborn one at that! Don’t give up hope.

  4. sara said,

    Your picture of the spotted thing had me laughing even though I felt so frustrated for you. I wish I could have my stupid magic fairy wand and just be able to wave it over you to make you ovulate. Why oh why won’t someone give me that damn wand already? I’ve been asking for one for a couple of years now to be able to use on myself and those I care about like you! I know you’re probably sick of hearing, hang in there….but I hope you are able to keep trudging forward. I am sending a hug your way, and some good thoughts for a great week ahead. Hugs…

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