Turning nothing into an update-worthy event

May 29, 2008 at 10:48 am (Uncategorized)

So on Friday I had a 13ish mm follicle. And on Tuesday I had a 15ish mm follicle. And on Tuesday, the nurse said, “Trigger on Thursday.”

And I just felt nervous about this. Because in four days, the follicle had only grown about 2 mm, but it would have to grow 3 mm in the next two days in order for the trigger timing to be right.

So I called the nurse yesterday (actually a different nurse than the ultrasound nurse who told me to trigger on Thursday, because that nurse wasn’t in yesterday), and this nurse said she felt very confident that Thursday was the right day (once they hit 14 or 15 mm they grow faster), but if I wanted to be confident, and they understand that I do, I should just come in for another ultrasound Thursday before triggering. I wanted her to say, “No, you have absolutely no reason to worry, Thursday is the right day, don’t bother coming in.” I did not want her to even suggest that I should or could come in for an ultrasound. And the fact is, she was right to suggest it, of course, because a patient should do whatever she feels she needs to in order to feel comfortable (within the realm of reasonableness, of course).

So I went in for an ultrasound this morning before triggering. My husband encouraged me to do it–“It’s completely worth the money,” he said. And I just really needed to see that 18 mm follicle. I just desperately needed to drop another $165.

And see, the thing is, as I explained to the nurse, they’ve done this a million times so they feel comfortable with how it works. But for me, it really is like magic. Setting aside the completely insane voodoo that is fertilization, implantation, etc., I’m still contending with the idea that one day the follicle is 15 mm, and I’m just supposed to TRUST that in two days it will be 18 mm and that when I take the trigger I will ovulate? Sometimes I cannot believe that our bodies don’t, like, break into some kind of crazy cold sweat when we ovulate, or a debilitating case of hives, SOMETHING, just so we know we’re ovulating. I *suppose* it’s a good thing we don’t, but it really does seem inconceivable to me that I’m just supposed to believe that it all works how it’s supposed to. So I figured that if I paid for this ultrasound now, I’d feel better throughout the 2ww AND during all my future cycles (and oh, I am banking on hundreds!!) and be able to trust that it actually works how they say it works.

So yeah, I told all this to the ultrasound nurse, and she was very understanding.

And I saw an 18 or 19 mm follicle. And I felt much better. And I triggered at the doctor’s office.

But I am extremely, extremely superstitious about this and I don’t want to analyze it like last time. I don’t even want people to know my test date. So I don’t know exactly how much interesting stuff I’ll be posting here for the next two weeks. That remains to be seen.

I hesitate to say this, actually because of my superstition, but it is really hard for me to believe this could actually work. Except that I TOTALLY believe it could and picture it all the time. But in other ways, getting pregnant really does seem like voodoo that will never actually work on me. Part of it is, as I was explaining to a friend yesterday, that I believe these kinds of things, the things you really want, only happen when you’re not totally focused on them. But because of this whole process, I will NEVER not be totally focused on it. Therefore, it is impossible for me to imagine going through all this, thinking about it constantly, and then having it actually work. I mean, it’s kind of like if you were sort of a shy, quiet, seemingly nobody kid in high school, and you were in love with the most popular boy in school, and you thought about him all the time, and then by some miracle, like in a million movies we’ve all seen, you find out that he actually likes you too. I mean, it’s not impossible, but it’s just not the sort of thing that happens that often in real life. Know what I mean?

So yeah. I am hopeful, I can’t help but be hopeful, but I wish I weren’t. Also, I wish I could just will this to happen.

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4 Comments

  1. Mel said,

    Well, great news on the follicle! I am so glad that it was the perfect size and you were able to trigger.

    Ovulation is a weird, tricky little process, isn’t it? Considering all we now know, I laugh when people tell me that don’t understand it at all. Serious! I had lunch with a new-ish friend the other day and she and her new husband were talking about going off the pill and starting to “try” and she just stared at me when I started talking about OPKs and “timing” intercouse around ovulation. She honestly asked me “What is ovulation and when does it happen?” I could only laugh and admire her naivety.
    Ah, the good old days of not knowing better.
    I miss em.

    Thinking good and wonderful thoughts for you this cycle.
    *hugs*

  2. patti said,

    Yeah, I totally get that.

    Completely.

    Felt the same way… still have trouble believing that all this will end in a healty baby in my arms.

    Good luck! I will be thinking wonderfully positive thoughts for you!

  3. sara said,

    Sorry I’ve been a bad commenter lately, but I still have thought of you often 🙂 I completely commend you for going with your gut and getting another ultrasound to make yourself feel better. I would have done the same thing if I had even the slightest doubt. So good for you! Now we have to keep our fingers crossed and hope June 13th comes quick! Friday the 13ths are lucky days, I was born on a Friday the 13th, got proposed to on a Friday the 13th, etc. Now you have to get your BFP on one too!

  4. sully said,

    Good for you girl! I’m glad to hear that the follie caught up…now get to that baby making! Fingers crossed for you!

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