Oh. Hello.

June 30, 2008 at 1:19 pm (Uncategorized)

My ultrasound today was done by the real doctor, not the nurse, since I had scheduled an appointment to talk to the doctor too. I didn’t like the way the doctor did the ultrasound. She’s nice and all, but she stood up instead of sitting down while doing it, and took about 1/4 of the time the nurse takes, and it was slightly more uncomfortable. It was all very “wham bam thank you ma’am” for me. After she left the exam room so I could get dressed, I told my husband, who had come with me, that I didn’t like how the doctor did it. He said, “That’s why recovering people thank their nurses, not their doctors.” Interesting. I have no idea what the hell he was talking about.

Anyway, nothing new on the follicle front, but we’re upping my dose to 1 1/2 vials of Menopur, or 112.5 IU. Guys, sometimes it’s actually painful that my updates for you must be so boring.

So we had a little talk with the doctor, who didn’t really say anything new. Except more encouraging things, which is fine–great, even. Let’s see, what did she say that was encouraging?

1. “You have lots of antral follicles.” No one had told me that before, and I was glad to hear it. She said this was a good indicator of my fertility. Yay.

2. The long stimulation time is consistent with my diagnosis of hypothalamic amenorrhea. I said I was concerned by the fact that I had read online that treatment is supposed to take 7-10 days, but it obviously takes much longer for me. She said that that’s an average for people who are undergoing FSH treatment, but that’s not just people with my problem. That includes people who are undergoing IVF for other reasons. Even women with PCOS, she said, tend to respond quickly to FSH treatment. Because she thinks I have hypothalamic amenorrhea, it’s not surprising that I don’t respond quickly. She’s still reluctant to start me out on higher doses, because of our strong desire to avoid multiples.

3. I’m very young. She said that is one of the two most important things to have on your side when you’re trying to get pregnant. The other, she said, is a husband. (I don’t see why a boyfriend or a genetically gifted friend with benefits isn’t just as good, though.)

4. “You’re going to get pregnant.” She said if there were any problem to wish for, this would be it–women with hypothalamic amenorrhea overwhelmingly (like 90%) become pregnant within a year. She said she wished all her patients were like me, then she’d have a 100% success rate. That was sort of nice to hear.

She understands that what is hard is the long drawn-out process. As my husband put it, if we knew for certain that at the end of this we would be pregnant, it might not seem so painful. But we’re going to plug along with this because we are not ready to go to IVF. We’ve only tried twice. We’ll see how we feel after four to six tries.

I finally made an appointment with the nutritionist she recommended, too. I figure it’s probably a good idea–can’t hurt, anyway. I’ve been feeling so fat and yucky lately, maybe she can make me feel like I’m doing the right thing with regard to my nutrition.

That’s all. Next ultrasound is on Thursday. I think what we’re learning is not to expect anything to happen for awhile each time we start a cycle. Too bad I still have to go in twice a week.

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Apparently the answer is no.

June 26, 2008 at 9:52 am (Uncategorized)

When last you heard from me, I was ever-so-optimistically pondering whether this cycle might actually be normal in length.

Get this: NO!

Back in today (oh, that’s true on so many levels, isn’t it?), and my previously 12 mm follicle was now more like 9 mm. I don’t even know how that’s possible, but what-fucking-ever. We all know no one can see anything on those bullshit ultrasound monitors, anyway.

My lining was a good healthy 9.4 mm. It’s almost ironic, in a way.

I feel really bummed out about this today, because my hopes were up, yes, but also because I just want to be able to be sort of a little bit normal. This just really makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Why can’t I grow follicles at a normal rate? I have no reason to believe at this point that this cycle will be any shorter than the last one.

I just got off the phone with my doctor. Since I started having to choke back tears on the phone, she thinks I am crazy and cannot deal with this, and she wants to meet in person so we can explore all our options. I guess what she was basically saying is that this is normal for this method of trying to get pregnant, but since I seem to be having trouble with how long it takes, she wants me to know what else we can do. I assume that means IVF and FET. Anyway, we’re meeting with her on Monday, when my next ultrasound is scheduled.

My husband has about had it with me. I guess I tend to talk to him when I’m feeling down about this as though I am the only one going through it, and it’s his job to make me feel better. He has to remind me he is going through it too, and he feels bad too. He also gets mad at me for getting down on myself. Like I was explaining that I feel like I’ve sacrificed things to go through this, which I am happy to do if it will eventually work, but which is frustrating when it takes this long to do ONE try. He asked what I feel I’ve sacrificed, and I told him my looks, which he feels is ridiculous, because I’ve only gained like 6 pounds. But I feel different, worse. I also feel I’ve sacrificed money, which he blew up at, saying I needed to forget about the money and just completely write it off. I guess he’s right, but when it feels like I have choices all along the way (ultrasound or no ultrasound, etc.), it’s hard. If it were a set fee, I might feel differently. I told him I also feel like I sacrifice the entire day when I go to these appointments, because I have to wake up so early that I have a bad headache starting around noon that lasts the rest of the day. Whatever, though, I’m just making excuses.

I started to cry again just now thinking about going through all this and still not ending up pregnant on the other end. It’s just so exhausting. And I haven’t even done anything really hard yet.

I don’t know, maybe it’s the hormones.

On the phone with my husband again just now–he was admonishing me to just be okay with myself. That’s his problem with me. That I look at the weight I’ve gained and everything else and I think I’m bad. I don’t think, “I’m going through something hard and people don’t know about it and I’m dealing with it along with everything else in my life and I should be proud of that.” I just think, “People don’t know what I’m going through, so they look at me and think, ‘Whoa, she gained weight,’ or ‘She’s not as fun as she used to be,’ or ‘She comes into work sort of late and/or is not billing very many hours for someone who has a lot to do.’ And maybe I should be able to do all those things and do this simple thing, which is give myself a shot each day and haul myself to the doctor’s office twice a week.”

I just can’t believe it has to take this long for me to find out I’m not pregnant, over and over and over again.

I’m not living my life, I’m living my non-existent pregnancy. I know that has to change, but I can’t get excited about anything else right now. Isn’t that a reason to be down on myself?

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Today is a good day.

June 24, 2008 at 10:27 am (Uncategorized)

Someone who really, really deserves it got a positive pregnancy test today. I’m not going to advertise who it is because I think she is already feeling superstitious about broadcasting it. (Not that my readership is so overwhelmingly enormous, but still, I just figure it’s not my place.) Anyway, this makes me happy, and of course, it gives me hope. (AND of course, as I already told her, it totally makes me jealous, but that is really secondary at this moment. I swear. I’m sure it’ll sink in more later, though, ’cause I’m a total bitch. :))

Just an update for me on Cycle Day 9. I’ve been on the old Menopur for a week now. Yesterday at my ultrasound we thought we saw a 12 mm follicle, so I’m going back in on Thursday to check on it. Could be a false alarm, so I’m trying not to get too hopeful. My last cycle was 53 days. Is it possible this one might actually be closer to 28?

I feel a little embarrassed now thinking about the people I told I was going to start trying to get pregnant, and how I clearly am not pregnant yet. Like some people I work with. I sort of wish I’d never said anything. It’s not a big deal and I’m sure they’re not even thinking about it, but it makes me feel a little silly.

I don’t know how to feel about any of this anymore. I can’t stop wanting it, even though I feel like maybe that will make it happen.

Anyway, off to live my life, I suppose. Things are weird at work right now because we just moved buildings. I’m in a brand new office, it’s our second day, and the whole thing feels surreal and fake. What is kind of cool is now I’m in the same building as my husband. Neat! Hopefully I’ll see him more often this way. (Even in my old building, I was just down the street from him, a five minute walk, so we would sometimes make a point of seeing each other during the day.) This is a little sweeter, though.

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Checking in

June 18, 2008 at 11:00 am (Uncategorized)

On Friday morning after getting another negative, I couldn’t bring myself to go in for the beta. Probably ultimately a stupid thing, as it might have saved me a lot of heartache over the weekend…

Because on Saturday about 45 minutes before my husband and I were about to leave for a friend’s barbecue (at which I was looking very forward to having a few drinks), he said to me, “Why don’t you take another pregnancy test? Just for fun.” Well, I’m not sure he used the word “fun” (I might have decked him if he did), but you get the idea. So I did it, and I looked at it, and it was negative, and while I was putting on makeup in the bathroom I called to him and said, “Well, do you want to see it? It’s negative.” And he came in and looked at it and said, I kid you not, “Well then how come I see a faint blue line right here?” And I said, of course, “Ha ha, very funny.” And he said, “I’m not joking.”

Unsurprisingly, this led to hours, days even, of peeing on sticks, analyzing *possible* lines on various brands of pregnancy tests, desperately rationing my last two progesterone suppositories, NOT DRINKING, and ultimately concluding that what might have been there on Saturday afternoon was not there on Sunday, nor was it there on Monday, but guess what was? My period.

Ugh. Rollercoaster. I should just get the stupid beta next time, I know.

By the way, I have chosen not to focus too much on the fact that we saw EXTREMELY faint positives on Saturday. They tended to be on brands that had blue lines, like the CVS generic brand, and one of those e.p.t. +/- tests. We never saw anything resembling a positive on any pink line tests like First Response or Answer (which, by the way, is just First Response with English AND Spanish writing on it). I have no idea what this means. Maybe it means I had a chemical pregnancy. Who the hell knows? Seriously, what does it even matter? I’m not pregnant now, which I’ve accepted, and I don’t want to think about the last cycle anymore.

Today I started round 3 of Menopur. Starting with one vial (75 IU) a day this time. Hopefully this will make a difference.

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Don’t really have time to write, but can’t help myself

June 12, 2008 at 9:50 am (Uncategorized)

I planned last night that I would test today. So I woke up at about 5 am having to pee, and figured I may as well do it then. I was SO nervous. I was all alone because my husband is out of town for two days, and I was shaking while I did it. And it truly was a big…fat…negative. The whitest white you’ll ever see.

And I was really disappointed, but not crying, upset disappointed. It took me awhile to calm down from my pre-POAS nerves in order to get back to sleep, but I finally did. At which point I had the most vivid, realistic dream I can remember having, in which I got back up and looked at the test and saw it had turned positive. So I took another test and it turned a really dark positive right away. And then I started bleeding, but I wasn’t upset or worried about it because I had read about so many other women bleeding around when they got positives, so for some reason I saw this as kind of a good sign. I remember rummaging frantically through my bathroom cupboard looking for different brands of tests that I could test on, because I knew I was supposed to be calling my husband at 7:30 am to make sure he was awake, and I wanted to be really sure about the positive before telling him. It was SUCH a weird dream, because it was so completely real. There was no question in my mind that it was really happening, and I was so happy.

And then my alarm went off.

So then I called my husband and told him I’d tested and it was negative. And here’s the part I wasn’t ready for, the part that made it truly bad: he got upset. I mean, he wasn’t crying or anything, but he was very clearly disappointed. And the worst is that, just like last time, he really wanted to believe there was still a chance. And I really didn’t. I don’t know why. It’s like I wanted to put this behind me. It’s too painful to try and hold out hope for this cycle anymore. He asked me, “There’s still a chance you could be pregnant, right?” I just hated this. It was like he was saying, “Please, I can’t take it right now if you tell me there’s no hope. Please just let me believe this might work out,” as though if it doesn’t work out it would be truly the worst thing in the world. Maybe that’s what was so awful about it. I don’t know. What I wanted from him was for him not to care so much so he could comfort me. Instead, I felt almost defensive. I felt guilty, like it was my fault. I know it’s insane, and when I express this he says I’m crazy, but I can’t help but feel like if I can just get pregnant, I will be doing him proud. And until then, I might really be a dud.

He did say some comforting things, the things I was waiting for him to say. “This is only our second try! It’s like a normal couple only two months into trying.” This is technically true. Then again, he also said, “So maybe you can talk to the doctor and find out if we should try some other tests now before going on.” This bugged me because I’ve already talked to the doctor about these things, and he knows it. Yes, of course that’s a consideration. But I already know that she normally does three cycles of what we’ve done so far, then she does an HSG, and then she does three cycles of this again. And of course, if I insisted upon it, I could get an HSG now. I know what she’s going to say.

I also expressed the obvious thing that we’ve all felt: “Each time we go through this, there’s more and more pressure for us to succeed.” He didn’t entirely get this (somehow he tried to suggest that the opposite was true, which makes NO sense to me), so I explained: “The more times we try and it doesn’t work, the more I have to wonder if there’s something else wrong. And it’s awful to think that something might be wrong and here we are trying to do this, wasting time and money over and over again when there’s no way it will work.” Seriously, the money aside, it’s just awful to think that something else that we don’t know about , and maybe will never be able to find out about, is making this impossible.

I think I feel better now than I did yesterday, wondering and worrying. It’s just that this puts me right back into that “I cannot imagine myself ever being pregnant, ever getting that positive test” frame of mind. Next time around it will be even harder to imagine these things.

I really don’t want to go into the office for a blood test tomorrow–it’s far away and requires me waking up an hour and a half earlier. My husband thinks I should, and he has a point. Sometimes the HPTs don’t pick up whatever’s there, as we all know. I put in a call to a nurse there to see if she thinks I need to come in if I get a negative home test tomorrow morning. We’ll see what she says.

Thanks for your support, you guys. I am not horribly upset right now. Disappointed, of course. But if I knew that this would eventually work, then I would really feel okay about this. It’s just the uncertainty that makes it so hard.

One more thing: I REALLY hope my next cycle doesn’t end up being as long as this one was. It actually lasted just shy of two months.

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Yeah, I cheat tested this morning

June 12, 2008 at 8:15 am (Uncategorized)

And it’s a no.

More details later if I have a chance (but since there’s not much more you really need to know about that, it’ll probably just be me yammering on about my feelings).

FYI, today was 13 dpo so seems safe to say no at this point.

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And for the record

June 11, 2008 at 12:28 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m pretty sure it didn’t work this time. (Are you listening, fates?)

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Today

June 11, 2008 at 12:28 pm (Uncategorized)

Today my heart is racing and I’m shaking and I can’t concentrate on anything.

Last night I was lying in bed, exhausted, before my husband had come to bed, and I started freaking out. I called him in and just wept to him. I feel so overwhelmed by all of this. It’s just too much. It wasn’t bad before because there was nothing I could even think about doing. But now it’s 12 dpo and, well, you know. It’s just hanging there over my head. And on Friday I run out of progesterone, which I have to keep taking if, well, you know, but which I don’t have to keep taking if, well, you know. If I had my way, I’d just let the progesterone stop on Friday and see if I ever get my period, but I guess I’m not allowed to do it that way.

I am aggressively analyzing every word I write to see if they contain any secret hexes I might be putting on myself. Are these the words of a person who will soon get a BFP or are they the words of the sucker who will soon get a BFN?

Help, you guys. I’m not doing so hot.

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A bit more…

June 10, 2008 at 3:21 pm (Uncategorized)

See my last post if you haven’t checked in today yet. If you’ve already read it, then read on here…

I guess I’m just going to say more of the same stuff. I am scared, I am sad when I think about the disappointment I will feel in the next few days when I find out this didn’t work. It’s better now, when there still is some hope, than it will be several days from now when there won’t be anymore. Right now, I can still think about what it would be like to say, “Happy Birthday Mom…I’m pregnant!” or “Happy Fathers’ Day” (each to the appropriate individual, of course), as opposed to once I know the truth, when I will have to endure a weekend of barbecues and socializing with nothing to show for my approximately two month cycle but a few extra pounds and several thousand dollars fewer.

I know I’m talking like I already know how this turns out. I know you understand that I’m just protecting myself. And honestly, I know this is all a bit “the lady doth protest too much” (if I were sooo convinced it didn’t work, why would it all be so delicate?). I don’t know what to say. It’s too scary, makes me too vulnerable, to reveal some of the thoughts I really have been having about this.

I don’t know what to make of any of it, and time is moving too slowly, and too quickly, for me to sort out my feelings.

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Hi.

June 10, 2008 at 1:28 pm (Uncategorized)

I just almost cried when I saw all my new comments. You guys are so sweet. I guess sometimes I can’t really believe that you guys actually care, but then again, I care about what’s going on with you, so I suppose it makes sense. Thank you so much. This really lifted my mood.

I was just sitting in a meeting thinking about how I was going to come back to my office and update you guys with some of my feelings. I have been avoiding posting because I am really scared to write too much about what’s going on. As though it’s actually going to jinx something.

And when I say “what’s going on,” I realize that makes it sound like something is. But nothing is, really. I mean sure, I’m in the two week wait. I’m analyzing my (extremely minimal) “symptoms” but trying really hard not to make too much of them. When I think back to the last 2ww, I cringe remembering how I agonized over (and wrote about) every twinge, only to have it end up being nothing. So I’m trying to avoid that. Also, of course I can’t get away from wanting to do things differently this time, as though whether I write about my symptoms or when I’m going to test actually matters.

But, okay, for fear of tempting the baby-granting gods, I will tell you this. In the cycle in which Patti got her positive, she had earlier mentioned how her husband’s birthday was coming up and the fact that it was Mothers’ day, and how nice it would be if she could say she was pregnant for the sake of both of those occasions. Well, this Friday (Friday the 13th) is my mom’s birthday. We’re not big on exchanging gifts, so I don’t have anything for her, but we are close–we talk every day and see each other often. And I just think it would be so cool to be able to call her on that day and tell her I’m pregnant.

Also, of course, Sunday is Fathers’ day. I had forgotten about this until recently, actually. My husband is not big on these sorts of holidays, even with regard to his parents, and I have never really thought about it in relation to him. But I realized that it really would also be pretty cool if I could be pregnant for Fathers’ Day. Even though he’s not “big on” Fathers’ Day, I’m sure he would appreciate it in this instance.

I feel trapped in my own fear of tempting the fates. I aggressively try to convince myself at every spare moment of the day that I am NOT pregnant. I am certain that my guess would be that I am not pregnant–if someone were to ask me. And when I ask myself. I just don’t feel much of anything going on. The few things I have noticed have given me hope, but I’ve tried to explain them away. It’s just going to hurt too much otherwise…

I’m also actually really scared to test. Last time I tested several times a day starting when it was way too early. This time I don’t really know what to do. It’s all up in the air.

I have to run to another meeting now but I may come back afterwards and update more. I don’t feel like I’m done with everything I have to say.

By the way…I love you guys. Thank you again.

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