I feel sad.

June 4, 2008 at 6:03 pm (Uncategorized)

The problem with the two week wait is that there’s nothing more you can do. It either worked or it didn’t. Leading up to trigger, there is a sense of excitement and hope–I have a follicle, I’m going to ovulate, we’re going to try. As soon as that moment passes, that’s it. You just hold your breath and hope. It’s funny because leading up to the trigger, I *know* I am not pregnant, yet I somehow feel happier. Now, while there is a chance I am pregnant, I actually feel sad.

Why do I feel sad? Do you think it’s bad of me, that I’m giving up hope, and that if I don’t end up pregnant I got what I deserved? Maybe so. But I feel sad for two reasons: (1) most of me doesn’t truly believe it worked, and (2) there is still a part of me that does hold out hope that it worked, and I am sad for how disappointed that part of me will be when (okay, if) I find out it didn’t.

There is no real reason I don’t believe it worked, other than statistics. Assuming I ovulated (I still for some reason can’t trust that I really did–what evidence do I have?), assuming it happened at the right time, supposedly I only have a 20-25% chance, right? That’s not nothing, certainly, but it’s not more-likely-than-not either. Or maybe my chances are slightly higher than that, because I’ve been reading more and more and it seems to be that for normal couples it’s 20-25% on any given cycle, but I don’t think that’s for normal couples who are timing it as carefully as we are. But anyway, what does it really matter what my chances are? As much as I think that’s going to tell me something every time I Google it in an effort to nail it down, it really doesn’t. No matter what my chances are, I won’t know if it worked for *me* for awhile yet.

As I’ve said before, though, I think I don’t believe it worked for me because I just…I don’t know. It seems too outrageous, maybe. Too lucky. Why should it? Why me?

I certainly don’t feel anything, but it hasn’t been that long, so that means nothing. I’ve been crampy, but I was crampy last time. Frankly, I don’t think it means anything either way–I think it’s my ovaries recovering from the stim treatment. My right ovary (the one from which I supposedly ovulated) in particular has been feeling quite tender the last day or so. I wish there were some possible way I could stretch this into being a good sign, but then again, maybe I’m glad I can’t. It lessens the disappointment later.

I have not yet decided whether I’m going to start testing early at all. Part of me believes doing it that way softened the blow last time, because each day I became increasingly sure it hadn’t worked, but I never had to put all my hope into one particular test because it was the only one I did. On the other hand, I kind of want to try doing things differently this time, just because why not? Whatever I did last time didn’t work any magic, that’s for sure.

So what’s the secret, guys? Come on, how do I make it happen? Should I stop drinking coffee altogether (I just drink a cup in the morning)? What about aspartame (I add 2 1/2 packets of Equal to my plain Greek breakfast yogurt)? Are sweets a bad idea? What about walking up several flights of stairs? Should I quit work? Stop doing anything that makes my heart beat fast? Keep warm? Keep cool?

Or is there really nothing more I can do?

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2 Comments

  1. patti said,

    I completely get it. I really do. I waited until CD26 to test because that’s when Aunt Flow usually showed up. When I got the positive, I didn’t believe it. I’m still unsure some days whether I’m really pregnant or not.

    I think the sadness and the doubt are a natural way of preparing for the worst while you hope for the best. For me, it was also because the 2 week wait was something I couldn’t control…or at least *do* anything to help along.

    As for what you can change, the healthier and more exercise you do on a regular basis, the better (at least as far as I know), but I have heard that excessive exercise or dieting won’t help. As for the aspartame… they suggest you don’t touch it while pregnant. In fact, there are many studies that suggest you don’t use it at all as your body (especially your liver) have to synthesize it. Have you thought about changing to Splenda? (I sound like a commercial…lol). Splenda is a sweetener that passes right through your body without changing. Your body cannot synthesize it at all.

    Just my assvice. 😉

    I will continue to think fertile thoughts for you!

  2. Mel said,

    I know what you mean, it’s the same way every cycle for me to. It’s like the entire two week wait mirrors the moron plucking each petal of the daisy… “i’m pregnant, i’m pregnant not, i’m pregnant…” etc etc etc.
    I wish I had some kind words of wisdom for you, but you know I am just as fucked up as you are about all of this. I try to have faith and courage but that hasn’t really worked for me and neither has been negative or mopey about it.
    I guess all we can do is just try to find something to distract ourselves and work as hard as possible to NOT think about it. I do not exercise in my 2WW per my RE’s orders, but I don’t think it would change anything if I did. The caffiene thing is so minor really, one cup a day is nothing. The truth is, it either happened or it didn’t, right? Think about all of the clueless fertiles out there who get pregnant on accident and have no idea until about 6 weeks in…
    *hugs and love*
    I am willing your dreadful wait to hurry along! Hopefully this one will have the best ending yet and you’ll be done with 2WW’s for a very long time. 😉

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