June 10, 2008 at 1:28 pm (Uncategorized)

I just almost cried when I saw all my new comments. You guys are so sweet. I guess sometimes I can’t really believe that you guys actually care, but then again, I care about what’s going on with you, so I suppose it makes sense. Thank you so much. This really lifted my mood.

I was just sitting in a meeting thinking about how I was going to come back to my office and update you guys with some of my feelings. I have been avoiding posting because I am really scared to write too much about what’s going on. As though it’s actually going to jinx something.

And when I say “what’s going on,” I realize that makes it sound like something is. But nothing is, really. I mean sure, I’m in the two week wait. I’m analyzing my (extremely minimal) “symptoms” but trying really hard not to make too much of them. When I think back to the last 2ww, I cringe remembering how I agonized over (and wrote about) every twinge, only to have it end up being nothing. So I’m trying to avoid that. Also, of course I can’t get away from wanting to do things differently this time, as though whether I write about my symptoms or when I’m going to test actually matters.

But, okay, for fear of tempting the baby-granting gods, I will tell you this. In the cycle in which Patti got her positive, she had earlier mentioned how her husband’s birthday was coming up and the fact that it was Mothers’ day, and how nice it would be if she could say she was pregnant for the sake of both of those occasions. Well, this Friday (Friday the 13th) is my mom’s birthday. We’re not big on exchanging gifts, so I don’t have anything for her, but we are close–we talk every day and see each other often. And I just think it would be so cool to be able to call her on that day and tell her I’m pregnant.

Also, of course, Sunday is Fathers’ day. I had forgotten about this until recently, actually. My husband is not big on these sorts of holidays, even with regard to his parents, and I have never really thought about it in relation to him. But I realized that it really would also be pretty cool if I could be pregnant for Fathers’ Day. Even though he’s not “big on” Fathers’ Day, I’m sure he would appreciate it in this instance.

I feel trapped in my own fear of tempting the fates. I aggressively try to convince myself at every spare moment of the day that I am NOT pregnant. I am certain that my guess would be that I am not pregnant–if someone were to ask me. And when I ask myself. I just don’t feel much of anything going on. The few things I have noticed have given me hope, but I’ve tried to explain them away. It’s just going to hurt too much otherwise…

I’m also actually really scared to test. Last time I tested several times a day starting when it was way too early. This time I don’t really know what to do. It’s all up in the air.

I have to run to another meeting now but I may come back afterwards and update more. I don’t feel like I’m done with everything I have to say.

By the way…I love you guys. Thank you again.


1 Comment

  1. patti said,

    If it makes you feel better, hon, I had no real symptoms before I got my positive, so don’t worry if you don’t feel “anything”.

    I agree, what a wonderful time for you to find out your pregnant, But you know what? Anytime you find out is a great time. If not this cycle, then maybe the next (but I hope it’s this time).

    I don’t even know why I tested the day I did. I was sure it was going to come up negative and I guess I just wanted to see that so I could stop hoping. Wow, was i surprised.

    I will continue to think fertile and sticky thoughts for you! When would be the earliest you could test, if you decided to do so?

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