Don’t really have time to write, but can’t help myself

June 12, 2008 at 9:50 am (Uncategorized)

I planned last night that I would test today. So I woke up at about 5 am having to pee, and figured I may as well do it then. I was SO nervous. I was all alone because my husband is out of town for two days, and I was shaking while I did it. And it truly was a big…fat…negative. The whitest white you’ll ever see.

And I was really disappointed, but not crying, upset disappointed. It took me awhile to calm down from my pre-POAS nerves in order to get back to sleep, but I finally did. At which point I had the most vivid, realistic dream I can remember having, in which I got back up and looked at the test and saw it had turned positive. So I took another test and it turned a really dark positive right away. And then I started bleeding, but I wasn’t upset or worried about it because I had read about so many other women bleeding around when they got positives, so for some reason I saw this as kind of a good sign. I remember rummaging frantically through my bathroom cupboard looking for different brands of tests that I could test on, because I knew I was supposed to be calling my husband at 7:30 am to make sure he was awake, and I wanted to be really sure about the positive before telling him. It was SUCH a weird dream, because it was so completely real. There was no question in my mind that it was really happening, and I was so happy.

And then my alarm went off.

So then I called my husband and told him I’d tested and it was negative. And here’s the part I wasn’t ready for, the part that made it truly bad: he got upset. I mean, he wasn’t crying or anything, but he was very clearly disappointed. And the worst is that, just like last time, he really wanted to believe there was still a chance. And I really didn’t. I don’t know why. It’s like I wanted to put this behind me. It’s too painful to try and hold out hope for this cycle anymore. He asked me, “There’s still a chance you could be pregnant, right?” I just hated this. It was like he was saying, “Please, I can’t take it right now if you tell me there’s no hope. Please just let me believe this might work out,” as though if it doesn’t work out it would be truly the worst thing in the world. Maybe that’s what was so awful about it. I don’t know. What I wanted from him was for him not to care so much so he could comfort me. Instead, I felt almost defensive. I felt guilty, like it was my fault. I know it’s insane, and when I express this he says I’m crazy, but I can’t help but feel like if I can just get pregnant, I will be doing him proud. And until then, I might really be a dud.

He did say some comforting things, the things I was waiting for him to say. “This is only our second try! It’s like a normal couple only two months into trying.” This is technically true. Then again, he also said, “So maybe you can talk to the doctor and find out if we should try some other tests now before going on.” This bugged me because I’ve already talked to the doctor about these things, and he knows it. Yes, of course that’s a consideration. But I already know that she normally does three cycles of what we’ve done so far, then she does an HSG, and then she does three cycles of this again. And of course, if I insisted upon it, I could get an HSG now. I know what she’s going to say.

I also expressed the obvious thing that we’ve all felt: “Each time we go through this, there’s more and more pressure for us to succeed.” He didn’t entirely get this (somehow he tried to suggest that the opposite was true, which makes NO sense to me), so I explained: “The more times we try and it doesn’t work, the more I have to wonder if there’s something else wrong. And it’s awful to think that something might be wrong and here we are trying to do this, wasting time and money over and over again when there’s no way it will work.” Seriously, the money aside, it’s just awful to think that something else that we don’t know about , and maybe will never be able to find out about, is making this impossible.

I think I feel better now than I did yesterday, wondering and worrying. It’s just that this puts me right back into that “I cannot imagine myself ever being pregnant, ever getting that positive test” frame of mind. Next time around it will be even harder to imagine these things.

I really don’t want to go into the office for a blood test tomorrow–it’s far away and requires me waking up an hour and a half earlier. My husband thinks I should, and he has a point. Sometimes the HPTs don’t pick up whatever’s there, as we all know. I put in a call to a nurse there to see if she thinks I need to come in if I get a negative home test tomorrow morning. We’ll see what she says.

Thanks for your support, you guys. I am not horribly upset right now. Disappointed, of course. But if I knew that this would eventually work, then I would really feel okay about this. It’s just the uncertainty that makes it so hard.

One more thing: I REALLY hope my next cycle doesn’t end up being as long as this one was. It actually lasted just shy of two months.

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3 Comments

  1. Angie said,

    I’m so sorry that it was negative…I truly understand all your feelings. I think you should go for the blood test, just in case. Stranger things have happened and if it is negative then at least you’ll have closure for this cycle. Keep us posted – I’ll be thinking of you.

  2. sully said,

    Aw hon, I’m so sorry to hear this. Go for the beta, just in case…you never know. However, you’re already mentioning a next cycle – way to be determined! I know this will work for you – it just sucks that you have to keep pushing. Thinking of you!

  3. sara said,

    I am so so sorry! Didi you end up getting the beta though? Plus I can’t even imagine going through a cycle that spans two months like you did. That has got to be heart wrenching. I hope your next one is much shorter, you have already been through so much. I will be thinking of you! Hugs..

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