Apparently the answer is no.

June 26, 2008 at 9:52 am (Uncategorized)

When last you heard from me, I was ever-so-optimistically pondering whether this cycle might actually be normal in length.

Get this: NO!

Back in today (oh, that’s true on so many levels, isn’t it?), and my previously 12 mm follicle was now more like 9 mm. I don’t even know how that’s possible, but what-fucking-ever. We all know no one can see anything on those bullshit ultrasound monitors, anyway.

My lining was a good healthy 9.4 mm. It’s almost ironic, in a way.

I feel really bummed out about this today, because my hopes were up, yes, but also because I just want to be able to be sort of a little bit normal. This just really makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Why can’t I grow follicles at a normal rate? I have no reason to believe at this point that this cycle will be any shorter than the last one.

I just got off the phone with my doctor. Since I started having to choke back tears on the phone, she thinks I am crazy and cannot deal with this, and she wants to meet in person so we can explore all our options. I guess what she was basically saying is that this is normal for this method of trying to get pregnant, but since I seem to be having trouble with how long it takes, she wants me to know what else we can do. I assume that means IVF and FET. Anyway, we’re meeting with her on Monday, when my next ultrasound is scheduled.

My husband has about had it with me. I guess I tend to talk to him when I’m feeling down about this as though I am the only one going through it, and it’s his job to make me feel better. He has to remind me he is going through it too, and he feels bad too. He also gets mad at me for getting down on myself. Like I was explaining that I feel like I’ve sacrificed things to go through this, which I am happy to do if it will eventually work, but which is frustrating when it takes this long to do ONE try. He asked what I feel I’ve sacrificed, and I told him my looks, which he feels is ridiculous, because I’ve only gained like 6 pounds. But I feel different, worse. I also feel I’ve sacrificed money, which he blew up at, saying I needed to forget about the money and just completely write it off. I guess he’s right, but when it feels like I have choices all along the way (ultrasound or no ultrasound, etc.), it’s hard. If it were a set fee, I might feel differently. I told him I also feel like I sacrifice the entire day when I go to these appointments, because I have to wake up so early that I have a bad headache starting around noon that lasts the rest of the day. Whatever, though, I’m just making excuses.

I started to cry again just now thinking about going through all this and still not ending up pregnant on the other end. It’s just so exhausting. And I haven’t even done anything really hard yet.

I don’t know, maybe it’s the hormones.

On the phone with my husband again just now–he was admonishing me to just be okay with myself. That’s his problem with me. That I look at the weight I’ve gained and everything else and I think I’m bad. I don’t think, “I’m going through something hard and people don’t know about it and I’m dealing with it along with everything else in my life and I should be proud of that.” I just think, “People don’t know what I’m going through, so they look at me and think, ‘Whoa, she gained weight,’ or ‘She’s not as fun as she used to be,’ or ‘She comes into work sort of late and/or is not billing very many hours for someone who has a lot to do.’ And maybe I should be able to do all those things and do this simple thing, which is give myself a shot each day and haul myself to the doctor’s office twice a week.”

I just can’t believe it has to take this long for me to find out I’m not pregnant, over and over and over again.

I’m not living my life, I’m living my non-existent pregnancy. I know that has to change, but I can’t get excited about anything else right now. Isn’t that a reason to be down on myself?

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2 Comments

  1. patti said,

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I remember what it’s like when your body doesn’t seem to want to participate the way it’s supposed to. I really do.

    However, that doesn’t mean that things aren’t going to work. It’s good to talk to your doctor and discuss alternatives, even if it’s only too confirm that you don’t want to do them right now.

    I hope you feel better soon.

    Thanks for the sweet comment on my blog. I just know your time is coming. Honest!

  2. Mel said,

    I am so sorry… I know this sucks and you are wondering if there will EVER be a time in your life when you will feel normal and happy and YOURSELF again.
    I know you will get through this. I know that this struggle is making you stronger and I pray that you will be out of this nasty part soon.
    *hugs*

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