Are butterflies bad for conception?

July 30, 2008 at 10:14 am (Uncategorized)

I used to call it adrenaline, but you know, I don’t think that’s what it is.  You know that squeezy rush you get in your stomach every time you think of something you are genuinely nervous about?  What I think people usually call “butterflies in my stomach?”  Like it’s the morning of the opening night of the school play, and you’re the lead?

That’s what happens to me every time I think about the fact that I am hoping to be pregnant right at this very second.

And it worries me, you know. They say don’t drink alcohol, limit caffeine, and try to avoid stress. But I can’t help it that I feel like I am about to tell my crush of two and a half years that I like him as more than a friend. And that chemical–whatever it is that’s making me lose my appetite and jolting me awake every time I try to take a nap–it can’t be helping to create the serene environment I’m trying to maintain inside my body. And I don’t know what to do about it.

Is it possible to get pregnant when you’re this fucking nervous all the time?

Part of the problem is, and I know you’re all going to think I’m a crazy paranoid bitch, but I still don’t know why I should believe I ovulated. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: WHAT. EVIDENCE. DO. I. HAVE. ????????? And more importantly, DOES. IT. MATTER. ????????? Even if I could prove that I didn’t ovulate, I can’t do anything differently for this cycle anyway, right? So why not just let it go?

Why not? Why not? Because I can’t stop thinking about it, that’s why not.

I sure as hell don’t feel anything. I mean, sure, little cramps here and there. I’ve chalked that up to my ovaries, and they’re notorious for telling me absolute shit about what I want to know about what’s going on in there. And of course, I know I’m not supposed to feel anything this early. And really, I’ve been trying to visualize the hell out of what’s going on in there, but it just feels like…a fantasy. It’s just too strange. And every time I move, I figure I’m knocking something out of place. I obviously realize that “not moving” is not required for getting pregnant, but that doesn’t mean I can’t hold myself to unrealistic standards, right?

Fortunately, I’m going away for a long weekend (Friday through Tuesday). That will be really good, I think. (Or will it just give me more time to think about this bullshit, which isn’t helpful at all?) We’re going to Montana, where my father-in-law owns a house. It’s for the father-in-law’s 65th birthday. I won’t be able to drink, of course–annoying. And it’s kind of not totally a real vacation, since it’s more of a family obligation. But at least I won’t be at work, and hopefully I’ll be relaxing. I doubt that will stop the butterflies, but what can I do?

I am supposed to test at the end of next week, on another “lucky” date (in China, anyway). The thought of it makes me a little nauseous. Butterflies will do that to you.

So, does anyone have any thoughts as to whether the butterflies are hurting my chances?

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Two

July 23, 2008 at 9:59 am (Uncategorized)

Two big-enough follicles, one in each ovary. She wants us to wait until tomorrow so that they’re both mature (she’s averaging them at something like 16 mm and 18 mm or something), and then we trigger.

I am very happy with this for many reasons, all of which I have talked about before. I mean, nothing surprising–ovulating means a chance of getting pregnant, and ovulating two eggs means a better chance. But when we realized I would be ovulating two eggs, my husband got nervous. He said to the nurse, “Would the doctor be okay with two? She didn’t want her to have twins…” And I explained: “Because I’m small, she’s worried about me carrying twins.” The nurse then talked about selective reduction, and what’s actually involved, which was definitely sort of horrifying. But she said she would go ahead with this and just see what happens. We agreed.

Back in the car, my husband said he would probably have a problem with selective reduction. I said what I had been thinking: “You know, it’s not like women who are 5′ tall don’t have twins sometimes.” In fact, this lady had triplets, and I can’t find the post where she says it, but I’m pretty sure she is no more than 5′ tall (and possibly even shorter). My husband said about carrying twins, “It’s really hard.” His boss’ wife had twins, and I guess she had a hard time of it. Bedrest, etc. Even my doctor described it as “a bear.”

So I’m nervous. But I want to be pregnant. And I’m willing to take the risk.

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So this is what they were worried about.

July 21, 2008 at 9:52 am (Uncategorized)

There’s a reason I haven’t been posting much lately. It’s because nothing much has been going on and I didn’t feel like boring myself by having to write about it. However, today, several ultrasounds and at least one increased dosage later (I’ve been at two vials for the last week or so), we saw FOUR potential follicles: two at 14 mm, one at 15 mm, and one at 16 mm (actually, I can’t remember if two were at 14 or two were at 16…it didn’t seem to matter at this point). All of a sudden, we were having a very different conversation than any we had had before. Seriously, I was not expecting to hear the words “selective reduction” any time soon, but suddenly, there they were.

Let me back up a bit. On Thursday, after having been on 2 vials for several days, we went in and saw what we thought was one 13 mm follicle in my left ovary, but the nurse wasn’t even entirely positive. She told us to continue the 2 vials through Sunday, and have sex over the weekend (“Sunday night, and maybe Saturday night too…”–we found this to be frustratingly vague, as I will soon explain–funny how it doesn’t matter anymore) because she wouldn’t be able to see us until Monday, at which point we would see where we were and very likely take the trigger shot.

On Thursday, these instructions seemed simple enough. But the more we thought about it, the more confused and concerned we became. We were always told that once the follicles hit 12 or 13 mm, they grow about 2 mm a day. That would mean we could expect to be at 21 mm on Monday, but the nurse has always had me trigger at 18 mm. We were worried–would 21 mm be too late? And if not, then why were we having sex over the weekend anyway? And what if we had sex over the weekend, but then triggered on Monday and were instructed to have sex Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday? Would we run out of sperm? Would we run out of steam?

Saturday night, as it turned out, was not a great night for us to have sex, so we agreed to do it the following morning. Didn’t seem like it would matter, since it didn’t seem likely that I would ovulate on my own before then. So we did, Sunday morning, and then fretted all day about whether we should ALSO do it Sunday night. I mean, those Sunday night sperm would only be hanging around about 12 hours longer than the Sunday morning sperm–did the benefits of doing it Sunday night outweigh the harms, which could be needlessly wasting sperm and, frankly, interest in sex?

We did it last night, and just hoped for the best. We planned to bombard the nurse with all of our questions and concerns in the morning.

So yeah, as it turns out, we didn’t get much of a chance. When we saw four follicles (“and there could be more, it’s kind of hard to tell,” said the nurse–sweet.), we gulped. The nurse said, “I would go ahead with this many. But you should know that if it happens [and we all know what “it” is here] with more than two, then you will have to think about selective reduction.” I jumped in with, “I have no problem with that.” I’m not saying I’d relish the idea, I just wanted to make it clear that I would do it without hesitation if necessary, though I’m sure it would be very difficult. My husband held back on that a bit, but I know he feels the same way as I do. It would be hard for both of us.

The good news is, we get to take a break from having sex for a few days (three cheers! uhh, j/k). The other good news is, we have follicles. We are also stopping all meds for today and tomorrow and coming back in on Wednesday in hopes that there will only be one or two that are ready to go. Also good news: I DO respond to this stuff, eventually.

I would be really happy if we had two follicles. I just feel like it would be much more likely to work. I would be okay with three, I think, but would be genuinely nervous about having twins and, well, pretty much unwilling to have triplets. But we’ll see, we’ll see. Trying not to count my chickens, trying not to get ahead of myself. I really just hope we don’t have to cancel this cycle.

I’ve been keeping up with everybody’s blogs, but have been incredibly busy at work so my commenting has been spotty. I’ll try to be better.

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Slowness.

July 11, 2008 at 4:41 pm (Uncategorized)

Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. It’s just that it looks like it’s going to be another long cycle, and that’s no fun to write about. I’ve been back in several times and no follicles are above 10 mm yet.

At yesterday’s ultrasound, however, there was a bonus–I sobbed in front of everyone there. First there was the ultrasound nurse, whom I know pretty well now. She felt sorry enough for me to give me another four vials of Menopur on top of the five she had given me the time before. Then I wept in front of the receptionists. I just couldn’t control myself–once it started it couldn’t be stopped. You could tell they felt terrible. The usually affect-less one even called me “babe.” And when I said, “I’m sure you guys get crying people in here all the time,” she said, “Yeah, but…it still affects us.” The other one just looked completely horrified that I was crying and said, “Ohhh…it’ll happen.” It made me feel sweet towards them, at least.

It was a bad day for other reasons. I was stressed out about work, aware that I am fatter than I have been in four years, and the follicle news on top of all that just…well, I just couldn’t handle it that day. It actually felt good to cry. Actually, it always feels good for me to cry. I think I cry more than many people, and I think people around me always think that I am in a ton of pain when I cry, but sometimes I think it’s just the opposite–crying is incredibly cathartic for me. I feel like I have a ton of negative energy running through me building up to a cry, and there’s something about letting it out, and even letting people see that, that feels really therapeutic and good.

I am obviously in better spirits today. I’m not entirely sure why–just the passage of time, I guess. I did get some good feedback at work yesterday, which helped. Also, my husband and I are supposed to be going on a weekend retreat with his firm to a beachy place. I say “supposed to” because we were supposed to leave an hour and a half ago, but he’s being held up at work, so I really hope this is still on. I am sitting in my office while he works, 20 floors above me. (Yeah, we work in the same building, as of three weeks ago, when my firm moved in. Too adorable, I know. Wait, now I feel like I already told you guys this. Whatever.) I scrambled to get through all the stuff that had to get done before our estimated time of departure, so now all that’s left to do is stuff that I hadn’t planned on dealing with until next week, and that I really really don’t want to deal with at all.

So I blog.

But since I mostly blog here about getting-pregnant stuff, and since there isn’t much getting pregnant going on around here, I don’t have much to say.

Okay, I’m going to sign off now and hope I get rescued soon. By the way, I am really excited for everybody who is pregnant right now. Really and truly! And it makes me happy for selfish reasons too, because it always makes me feel better about my chances.

And that is all for now. Thanks for sticking with me, everyone.

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