August 29, 2008 at 9:39 am (Uncategorized)

A 15.4 mm follicle this morning! That means I get to trigger on Sunday, Cycle Day 22! That is a MAJOR record for me, people. This means my cycle is only going to be about a week or so longer than a normal one! I’ll take that over a 54-day cycle any time.

This is good news. The next thing to be nervous about (I always keep a spare) is whether my progesterone test a week after ovulation (or “ovulation,” as I like to call it) will show that I did, in fact, ovulate. Please please please let it show that I did. Otherwise that opens up a whole new can of worms for us. I think. I’m not a worm fan, but that’s just me.

My husband’s morphology is fine. Everything is as it should be. Except that I’m not pregnant yet. Keep those fingers crossed, or whatever it is you do over there…for me. Please. Thanks. 🙂


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For lack of a better title, Cycle Day 18

August 27, 2008 at 10:36 am (Uncategorized)

Nothing new to report, really. Back on the FSH and LH–I really can’t get enough of the stuff. Predictably slow cycle, of course. I’ve now come to expect it and it is much less disappointing going to ultrasounds now because I’m not surprised any more when nothing is happening. My husband’s morphology turned out to be good, so now there really isn’t any more information we can gather unless we decide to do IVF, which we have not seriously considered yet. Oh, except the progesterone test a week after ovulation, to make sure I ovulated. That is obviously a ways off.

I really have been thinking about this in a better way, though. I think I felt like it had to happen during the first three cycles or it meant something was probably truly wrong. Since this last failure, though, I’ve heard about a lot of people who took eight months, nine months, a year to get pregnant. I will assume that was eight tries, nine tries, twelve tries…and we’ve only tried thrice (four times if you count the two eggs of the last cycle). And that’s okay.

On the recommendation of my doctor, I went to see the fertility therapist–she is “the” fertility therapist because she apparently knows all the doctors in town and I guess is the main person who does this. My doctor said that people are surprised to find that they start thinking about things differently after talking to her. Well, she was very nice, and it’s always lovely to be able to sit around for an hour or so and talk about yourself, and it’s especially nice to talk about a process with someone who understands that process in a world where not many people do. But to be honest, I didn’t find it all that enlightening. She basically said what I knew she would say, which is that I have to find a way to live my life with this without going crazy. I have to live the part of my life that isn’t trying to conceive, and even though it won’t be able to be quite as full as it otherwise would, I have to try and not let it run my life. Yeah, I know. And I feel like I’ve gotten better at that lately. She also encouraged me not to be afraid of my doctor, to get a second opinion if it would make me feel better, and to talk to my office about cutting costs. I thought that was good, and I promptly moved my ultrasound to a day later, since I knew that nothing would be happening on Thursday anyway. I feel like they can be more spread out and maybe I don’t have to have quite so many. Another thing she said is that I have to treat myself nicely during this time. Be decadent when I need it. I liked hearing that.

Not much else to say about it. I still feel jealous when I hear about other people getting pregnant. I still want it badly. But I still think I’ll have it. I just hope it doesn’t take too too too long, or cost too too too much money. But any amount would be worth it, of course.

In other aspects of my life, I had a fantastic long weekend last Thursday through Sunday at the wedding of two of my best friends (they married each other). Since we were the only people traveling across the country for the wedding (as far as I know), we got to hang out with the couple alone before everyone arrived and after everyone left. It was so much fun, though it made me miss college terribly. And the best was that these were my friends from college, but my husband hasn’t been able to stop talking about it and he now wishes he went to my college and lived back east permanently so we could hang out with these people all the time. That is so much fun for me, I can’t even tell you.

Ah well, back to life. And work. I will tell you though, that was my last event where I have to worry about fitting into a dress (I was a bridesmaid). It is a big relief to not have to worry about that anymore.

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hsg, etc.

August 18, 2008 at 12:46 pm (Uncategorized)

I had my HSG this morning. It was fine–not painful really at all. The speculum is never fun, of course, but the people there were really great. Furthermore, everything looked normal, and my tubes are clear. I am really glad about that, of course. After injecting the normal contrast medium, they injected a denser medium that’s supposed to open the tubes a little more. Hopefully that will make some kind of difference.

We also got the results of the recent semen analysis my husband had done on Friday. We figured we may as well check it out again, since the last one was in January of ’07. Everything was normal and good, except that they haven’t sent the morphology results yet–I guess they take longer. Hopefully those will be fine too.

My spirits are pretty good. Like I said last time, I really believe this will happen eventually for us, I just can’t say when. No one can, of course. I know that IVF is an option, but I am not ready to think we need it yet. I don’t know at what point it will make more sense to do that than to keep doing this, but we’ll cross that bridge, etc.

I feel hopeful. Other than that, there’s not much more to say. Today is cycle day 9, and I go in for my first ultrasound of the cycle on Wednesday. My ovaries have really been feeling it this time.

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Double ouch.

August 13, 2008 at 11:09 am (Uncategorized)

Did I say something horrible? You know, my instinct is to come here and apologize, and say that obviously I am utterly thrilled for everyone who is pregnant right now, and I didn’t mean to suggest, selfishly, that I would ever take that away from anyone so that I could feel less lonely. But on the other hand, I think that should be obvious. Of course I am thrilled for everyone. And, selfishly, up until now, people getting pregnant has always given me hope that it would eventually happen for me too. Now, though, it makes me just feel like there’s something wrong with me that isn’t wrong with them. But I am happy that they, that you, have gotten what you, what we, have been wanting for so long. Of course I am.

But I get to wallow, don’t I?

I’m not still wallowing too much, by the way. Despite the fact that when I finally did talk to my doctor she suggested IVF, and this really threw me because she had always said we could “do this [meaning ovulation induction and timed intercourse] for a long time,” and the suggestion of IVF made me feel like she had given up on me, and it turned out that she brought it up because my “follicular cycle is so long” and “this is really stressful” for me (because I’ve cried once or twice in the office or on the phone, I guess?), and I’ve decided to do another cycle of what we’ve been doing, long follicular cycle be damned, and I’m getting an HSG on Monday, and my husband is getting another semen analysis on Friday, and I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to try to connect with my doctor, that I have to understand that she is simply a bottleneck to getting the treatment I want, and that at this point I probably understand as much about this process as she does……despite all that, I am doing okay. I believe this will happen for me eventually, though I cannot say how or when.

In other, not good, I-feel-somehow-like-it’s-my-fault news, my sister-in-law is miscarrying. She had only just missed her period, just gotten the positive, but it’s obviously still awful. Please forgive me for this, but…I found myself feeling a slight relief upon learning this. Don’t worry, I hated myself for it. It wasn’t because she’s not (or won’t be) pregnant anymore, it really wasn’t that. It was because I felt that slight sense of company, like, okay, it’s not that easy for her either. Other people have trouble with this too. It made me feel like less of a freak. Misery loves company. Now you’re all going to hate me and I’m probably going to get less than zero comments. Is that possible? Can you take away comments from me?

Anyway, it will be easier for me to take the next time she gets pregnant too, I think. Now I know for sure they’re trying, and I will be expecting it. Also, I am hoping for it for them, more so since she’s had to go through this now.

Glad everyone seems to be doing pretty well, all things considered.

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August 11, 2008 at 10:00 am (Uncategorized)

I don’t know how I want to write this post. I’m not sure what I should talk about first, so I’ll just start. Just be warned that there is no significance to the order in which I discuss the things I’m thinking about today.

Friday and All It Brought With It

Friday sucked, obviously. I called my doctor’s office on the way to work in order to talk to her and discuss what we want to do next. I was told she had been out all week and wouldn’t be in until Monday. I felt incredibly frustrated. Look, she’s allowed to take a vacation, but what’s really fucking irritating is that it was on my chart what day I would be testing. I do not understand why no one called me to say, “Listen, the doctor will be out on the day you test, so let’s discuss what you should do if you get a negative that day.” Anyway, the receptionist agreed that I should be talking to the doctor, not the nurse, but she told me that the doctor had not been calling in for messages so she (the receptionist) probably couldn’t get a message to her. I said if there was any way she could get a message to the doctor, to please do so, and have her call me. A little bit later, I called back and said, “You know what, I changed my mind. I would like to talk to the nurse.” I was put on hold, and the receptionist picked up the phone and said, “She’s with a patient right now, but she said she thinks the doctor might come in later today. Do you just want to talk to the doctor?” I said, “Well, if the doctor comes in, I want to talk to her. If not, I want to talk to the nurse.” The receptionist said okay and I hung up.

Fast forward to 4:10 pm. “Hmm,” I’m thinking. “Don’t they close at 4:30?” I call the office and am told, by a different receptionist, that the doctor is not in and has not been in all week (so I’ve fucking heard). Furthermore, the nurse is only in in the mornings, so she is gone by now. Get this? I’m being told I’m not going to talk to either of them. I get frustrated, but not nasty. I explain that it is important that I talk to someone because depending on what we decide to do, I may need to pick up my medication over the weekend. I am put on hold for ten minutes, at which point I hang up. I call back. I am put on hold again without being asked who I am. Someone finally picks up and knows it’s me (interesting, I think). It’s the office’s other nurse. She is nice to me and understands the importance of the situation. She says she has been trying to reach the doctor, but she isn’t answering at home or on her cell. She points out that since my period hasn’t started yet, the soonest I would need the meds is Monday. She says she will leave out my chart so that it is the first thing the doctor sees when she walks in on Monday morning. She also says that if the doctor calls back within the next few minutes (before 4:30, I guess), she will have her call me. I say, “Can you leave her a message leaving her my number and asking her to call me so that she doesn’t need to call the office before 4:30 in order to get to me?” She says yes, but I don’t think she did it, because the doctor never called. Or maybe she did, and the doctor just decided it wasn’t important enough to call. But I would actually bet that the nurse didn’t even leave the message, because given the way that part of the conversation went, I doubt she even remembered she said she would.

I am still waiting for the doctor to call, by the way. I am actually going to try the office in a minute. My husband is on the side of town where the pharmacy is right now, and I was hoping he would be able to pick up the meds while he was there. Since my period started yesterday, I will have to start the shots tomorrow.

I just called. She is in with a patient. I explained the urgency of the situation, how I was told she would call me first thing in the morning, how I need to hear from her as soon as possible because I will need to start meds tomorrow and my husband is near the pharmacy now. I started to cry while leaving my telephone number. That ought to do the trick.

That day I emailed a college friend whom I knew had had some trouble with pregnancy and stuff. Specifically, she got pregnant in December, and discovered the day before the end of the first trimester that the baby had something wrong with it and they would have to terminate the pregnancy. None of us knew she had been pregnant until she told us about this well after the fact. She has been trying again for the past few months with no luck. She and I have been comforting each other to some extent. She wrote me back a wonderful email that made me feel great. I read it aloud to my husband in the car on the way home from work, and he was so pleased.

Moving on.

Saturday and All Its Bullshit

Saturday night my husband and I met my dad for dinner (my mom was out of town). After we had sat down and my husband had gotten up to go to the bathroom, my dad revealed to me that my sister-in-law is pregnant. Again.

I immediately started bawling. Well, not howling or anything. Appropriate for a restaurant. When my husband came back to the table, I told him and he was so sweet. We talked about it for awhile. I know everyone reading this understands how hard this is. Let me give you a little more. My brother and sister-in-law already have one adorable, bright, two-year-old son. Now let’s talk about my sister-in-law. She is skinny. She is beautiful–she looks kind of like Denise Richards, but healthier and younger. She basically seems to be happy and content and easy about things all the time. She is a normal height. Next to her, I always feel like a fat, anxious troll. And now I get to watch her belly get big and round, just like it did the first time, with grace and ease. This was hard, really hard, to hear.

I had forgotten that it would be hard on my husband too. Of course, at first I made it all about me. Poor me, my sister-in-law is pregnant. Woe is me, I’ll never get pregnant. I suck. There’s something wrong with me. Boo hoo. My husband had to remind me in the car that this is upsetting for him too. He doesn’t relish the idea of seeing her get a big round belly either. I immediately apologized and appreciated that I am not the only one going through this. We argued a little, it was hard. We ended up closer, though.

By the way, even though it was my mom who had found out about my sister-in-law being pregnant, she asked my dad to tell me. He said she couldn’t bear to. At first I was upset because I thought this was another instance of her not knowing what to do with me, her oddly fragile daughter. Sometimes I think she is afraid of me. Both of them, actually. But I spoke to her the next day and as it turns out, she was just as upset as I was when she found out. Probably more so. She said she was overwhelmed when they announced it, on their camping trip. To the point where she had to walk away, and when she was asked about it her voice cracked and said, “I’m worried about my daughter.” Yes, everyone knows we’re trying, which makes it sort of worse. I hate that they’re all going to pity me now. I wish they didn’t know. I imagine my sister-in-law, in all her glowing health (and pregnancy, of course), saying, “Poor, barren Tam.”

Anyway, the truth is, my sister-in-law is actually incredibly wonderful and sweet. It is hard to wish anything bad upon her. And as for my mother, well, she actually feels guilty that she didn’t show more excitement and happiness upon their announcement. As for me, even though I love my brother and my sister-in-law is nothing but a sweetheart, I find myself thinking dark thoughts, and I’m not proud of them. But I guess I’m only human. I felt a lot better after talking to my mom, that is for sure. And I’m almost over this, although it will be hard to see them next time. I hope I don’t cry.

Sunday’s Realization

Don’t take this the wrong way guys, but all but one of my blogger friends are now pregnant. Seriously. I realized it yesterday. And it hurt, pretty bad. You know, until this cycle’s negative, it wasn’t hard to read about the pregnancies. It made me happy and excited and hopeful. Now, well, it’s hard. Now it’s starting to feel like it really might not happen for me, which makes reading about the betas, the dopplers, the ultrasounds…hurt.

There’s a lot I don’t know, but I do know a few things. I once read that ovulation induction, if it will ultimately result in a pregnancy, usually does so during the first three cycles. Well, those are behind me now.

I also feel like, with the two follicles, it really should have worked this time. In fact, this was really like our third AND fourth try. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t know what’s going on.

My husband worries that the fact that I am an anxious person is what is causing the problem. I am trying to be less anxious, but I bet you can imagine how that’s going. And is it possible that with each passing cycle one can actually become LESS anxious? Seems doubtful. I will try, but I fear it may mean an overhaul of my personality.

I know we had talked about getting an HSG, so I think that will happen in the next week or so. My husband and I also want to do another semen analysis–his last one was in January of 2007. It can’t hurt. The doctor has said before she thinks we can do ovulation induction and timed intercourse for awhile before resorting to IVF, unless I get tired of it sooner. I am not anxious to start IVF.

I feel sad and scared and desperate. I feel doubtful. I feel hopeless. I mean, it’s not constant, but it’s making the pit in my stomach heavier whenever I think about it. I know it’s possible nothing is wrong, and of course I hope that is true.

But, you guys…this sucks. I don’t know what to do anymore.

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August 8, 2008 at 8:03 am (Uncategorized)

What the hell is going wrong in there?

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I feel like a cheater.

August 7, 2008 at 7:28 am (Uncategorized)

I have very little time to write (why do I always say this? I’m obviously saying it more for myself than for anyone else), but I had to check in. I was thinking about the post I wrote yesterday, and I feel like I was trying to trick the universe into giving me what I wanted, by saying all the right things.

It’s not that I don’t think it’s true that I have it all (well, you know what I mean), and that my life is wonderful. It’s just that after I published the post and signed off, I still wanted to be pregnant so, so badly. It still doesn’t quite feel like enough, everything else that I have.

I dreamed about having kids again last night, although these were ones I adopted at a young age. They were old enough so that I didn’t get to name them. The girl’s name was Michelle. Weird.

Tomorrow is 14 dpso (“days past supposed ovulation”–I coined this phrase, part of the skeptic’s infertility lingo; do you like it?), and I’m supposed to test then. Like I said, I haven’t been tempted up to this point. I don’t want to be sad.

So anyway, sorry universe, for being sneaky. I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time. I’m sure everything will work out, even if it doesn’t work this time.

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August 6, 2008 at 9:49 am (Uncategorized)

You guys definitely reassured me about the butterflies. In fact, the butterfly population in my stomach decreased significantly after I got your comments. Go figure.

Montana was fun and very relaxing, until yesterday when I got an email saying I had to be basically done with something for work I hadn’t even really started yet. I got to work at 6:30 this morning to work on it, and I’m still not done. I’m pretty tired and have a lot more work to do on it. But I wanted to drop a line.

To say what? I don’t know. It is what it is, I guess. I want this so much, but I know how lucky I am even if I don’t get it. Really. My life is incredible. And bad things could happen even if I do get pregnant. I am trying to really appreciate how green my grass is, and please try not to construe that in a dirty way, because that’s not how I mean it. 🙂

Still, thinking about this–it’s distracting. My heart is pounding as I write this. I wish I could take it all less seriously, but it just doesn’t work that way, does it? I don’t really feel tempted to test early. I don’t even feel tempted to test on time. Part of me wishes I could live in a bubble of not-knowing-ness for a lot longer. I think I’ve said it before–there’s still hope when I haven’t tested yet.

But you know? All the other good stuff I have in my life–it doesn’t go away when I get that negative pregnancy test. It really doesn’t. And I have to remember that.

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