August 11, 2008 at 10:00 am (Uncategorized)

I don’t know how I want to write this post. I’m not sure what I should talk about first, so I’ll just start. Just be warned that there is no significance to the order in which I discuss the things I’m thinking about today.

Friday and All It Brought With It

Friday sucked, obviously. I called my doctor’s office on the way to work in order to talk to her and discuss what we want to do next. I was told she had been out all week and wouldn’t be in until Monday. I felt incredibly frustrated. Look, she’s allowed to take a vacation, but what’s really fucking irritating is that it was on my chart what day I would be testing. I do not understand why no one called me to say, “Listen, the doctor will be out on the day you test, so let’s discuss what you should do if you get a negative that day.” Anyway, the receptionist agreed that I should be talking to the doctor, not the nurse, but she told me that the doctor had not been calling in for messages so she (the receptionist) probably couldn’t get a message to her. I said if there was any way she could get a message to the doctor, to please do so, and have her call me. A little bit later, I called back and said, “You know what, I changed my mind. I would like to talk to the nurse.” I was put on hold, and the receptionist picked up the phone and said, “She’s with a patient right now, but she said she thinks the doctor might come in later today. Do you just want to talk to the doctor?” I said, “Well, if the doctor comes in, I want to talk to her. If not, I want to talk to the nurse.” The receptionist said okay and I hung up.

Fast forward to 4:10 pm. “Hmm,” I’m thinking. “Don’t they close at 4:30?” I call the office and am told, by a different receptionist, that the doctor is not in and has not been in all week (so I’ve fucking heard). Furthermore, the nurse is only in in the mornings, so she is gone by now. Get this? I’m being told I’m not going to talk to either of them. I get frustrated, but not nasty. I explain that it is important that I talk to someone because depending on what we decide to do, I may need to pick up my medication over the weekend. I am put on hold for ten minutes, at which point I hang up. I call back. I am put on hold again without being asked who I am. Someone finally picks up and knows it’s me (interesting, I think). It’s the office’s other nurse. She is nice to me and understands the importance of the situation. She says she has been trying to reach the doctor, but she isn’t answering at home or on her cell. She points out that since my period hasn’t started yet, the soonest I would need the meds is Monday. She says she will leave out my chart so that it is the first thing the doctor sees when she walks in on Monday morning. She also says that if the doctor calls back within the next few minutes (before 4:30, I guess), she will have her call me. I say, “Can you leave her a message leaving her my number and asking her to call me so that she doesn’t need to call the office before 4:30 in order to get to me?” She says yes, but I don’t think she did it, because the doctor never called. Or maybe she did, and the doctor just decided it wasn’t important enough to call. But I would actually bet that the nurse didn’t even leave the message, because given the way that part of the conversation went, I doubt she even remembered she said she would.

I am still waiting for the doctor to call, by the way. I am actually going to try the office in a minute. My husband is on the side of town where the pharmacy is right now, and I was hoping he would be able to pick up the meds while he was there. Since my period started yesterday, I will have to start the shots tomorrow.

I just called. She is in with a patient. I explained the urgency of the situation, how I was told she would call me first thing in the morning, how I need to hear from her as soon as possible because I will need to start meds tomorrow and my husband is near the pharmacy now. I started to cry while leaving my telephone number. That ought to do the trick.

That day I emailed a college friend whom I knew had had some trouble with pregnancy and stuff. Specifically, she got pregnant in December, and discovered the day before the end of the first trimester that the baby had something wrong with it and they would have to terminate the pregnancy. None of us knew she had been pregnant until she told us about this well after the fact. She has been trying again for the past few months with no luck. She and I have been comforting each other to some extent. She wrote me back a wonderful email that made me feel great. I read it aloud to my husband in the car on the way home from work, and he was so pleased.

Moving on.

Saturday and All Its Bullshit

Saturday night my husband and I met my dad for dinner (my mom was out of town). After we had sat down and my husband had gotten up to go to the bathroom, my dad revealed to me that my sister-in-law is pregnant. Again.

I immediately started bawling. Well, not howling or anything. Appropriate for a restaurant. When my husband came back to the table, I told him and he was so sweet. We talked about it for awhile. I know everyone reading this understands how hard this is. Let me give you a little more. My brother and sister-in-law already have one adorable, bright, two-year-old son. Now let’s talk about my sister-in-law. She is skinny. She is beautiful–she looks kind of like Denise Richards, but healthier and younger. She basically seems to be happy and content and easy about things all the time. She is a normal height. Next to her, I always feel like a fat, anxious troll. And now I get to watch her belly get big and round, just like it did the first time, with grace and ease. This was hard, really hard, to hear.

I had forgotten that it would be hard on my husband too. Of course, at first I made it all about me. Poor me, my sister-in-law is pregnant. Woe is me, I’ll never get pregnant. I suck. There’s something wrong with me. Boo hoo. My husband had to remind me in the car that this is upsetting for him too. He doesn’t relish the idea of seeing her get a big round belly either. I immediately apologized and appreciated that I am not the only one going through this. We argued a little, it was hard. We ended up closer, though.

By the way, even though it was my mom who had found out about my sister-in-law being pregnant, she asked my dad to tell me. He said she couldn’t bear to. At first I was upset because I thought this was another instance of her not knowing what to do with me, her oddly fragile daughter. Sometimes I think she is afraid of me. Both of them, actually. But I spoke to her the next day and as it turns out, she was just as upset as I was when she found out. Probably more so. She said she was overwhelmed when they announced it, on their camping trip. To the point where she had to walk away, and when she was asked about it her voice cracked and said, “I’m worried about my daughter.” Yes, everyone knows we’re trying, which makes it sort of worse. I hate that they’re all going to pity me now. I wish they didn’t know. I imagine my sister-in-law, in all her glowing health (and pregnancy, of course), saying, “Poor, barren Tam.”

Anyway, the truth is, my sister-in-law is actually incredibly wonderful and sweet. It is hard to wish anything bad upon her. And as for my mother, well, she actually feels guilty that she didn’t show more excitement and happiness upon their announcement. As for me, even though I love my brother and my sister-in-law is nothing but a sweetheart, I find myself thinking dark thoughts, and I’m not proud of them. But I guess I’m only human. I felt a lot better after talking to my mom, that is for sure. And I’m almost over this, although it will be hard to see them next time. I hope I don’t cry.

Sunday’s Realization

Don’t take this the wrong way guys, but all but one of my blogger friends are now pregnant. Seriously. I realized it yesterday. And it hurt, pretty bad. You know, until this cycle’s negative, it wasn’t hard to read about the pregnancies. It made me happy and excited and hopeful. Now, well, it’s hard. Now it’s starting to feel like it really might not happen for me, which makes reading about the betas, the dopplers, the ultrasounds…hurt.

There’s a lot I don’t know, but I do know a few things. I once read that ovulation induction, if it will ultimately result in a pregnancy, usually does so during the first three cycles. Well, those are behind me now.

I also feel like, with the two follicles, it really should have worked this time. In fact, this was really like our third AND fourth try. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t know what’s going on.

My husband worries that the fact that I am an anxious person is what is causing the problem. I am trying to be less anxious, but I bet you can imagine how that’s going. And is it possible that with each passing cycle one can actually become LESS anxious? Seems doubtful. I will try, but I fear it may mean an overhaul of my personality.

I know we had talked about getting an HSG, so I think that will happen in the next week or so. My husband and I also want to do another semen analysis–his last one was in January of 2007. It can’t hurt. The doctor has said before she thinks we can do ovulation induction and timed intercourse for awhile before resorting to IVF, unless I get tired of it sooner. I am not anxious to start IVF.

I feel sad and scared and desperate. I feel doubtful. I feel hopeless. I mean, it’s not constant, but it’s making the pit in my stomach heavier whenever I think about it. I know it’s possible nothing is wrong, and of course I hope that is true.

But, you guys…this sucks. I don’t know what to do anymore.


1 Comment

  1. sully said,

    Just sending some hugs your way and also some assvice. Feel free to put me on blast if this is out of line:

    Have you considered trying another doctor / clinic? The reason I ask is that you mentioned that you haven’t had an HSG yet, which threw me off as it’s one of the first tests I had before we moved ahead with anything. Of course, I’m not a Doctor or aware of your particular diagnosis, but I was just wondering.

    Sorry if that was out of line. I am both praying and pulling for you!!!!

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