Double ouch.

August 13, 2008 at 11:09 am (Uncategorized)

Did I say something horrible? You know, my instinct is to come here and apologize, and say that obviously I am utterly thrilled for everyone who is pregnant right now, and I didn’t mean to suggest, selfishly, that I would ever take that away from anyone so that I could feel less lonely. But on the other hand, I think that should be obvious. Of course I am thrilled for everyone. And, selfishly, up until now, people getting pregnant has always given me hope that it would eventually happen for me too. Now, though, it makes me just feel like there’s something wrong with me that isn’t wrong with them. But I am happy that they, that you, have gotten what you, what we, have been wanting for so long. Of course I am.

But I get to wallow, don’t I?

I’m not still wallowing too much, by the way. Despite the fact that when I finally did talk to my doctor she suggested IVF, and this really threw me because she had always said we could “do this [meaning ovulation induction and timed intercourse] for a long time,” and the suggestion of IVF made me feel like she had given up on me, and it turned out that she brought it up because my “follicular cycle is so long” and “this is really stressful” for me (because I’ve cried once or twice in the office or on the phone, I guess?), and I’ve decided to do another cycle of what we’ve been doing, long follicular cycle be damned, and I’m getting an HSG on Monday, and my husband is getting another semen analysis on Friday, and I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to try to connect with my doctor, that I have to understand that she is simply a bottleneck to getting the treatment I want, and that at this point I probably understand as much about this process as she does……despite all that, I am doing okay. I believe this will happen for me eventually, though I cannot say how or when.

In other, not good, I-feel-somehow-like-it’s-my-fault news, my sister-in-law is miscarrying. She had only just missed her period, just gotten the positive, but it’s obviously still awful. Please forgive me for this, but…I found myself feeling a slight relief upon learning this. Don’t worry, I hated myself for it. It wasn’t because she’s not (or won’t be) pregnant anymore, it really wasn’t that. It was because I felt that slight sense of company, like, okay, it’s not that easy for her either. Other people have trouble with this too. It made me feel like less of a freak. Misery loves company. Now you’re all going to hate me and I’m probably going to get less than zero comments. Is that possible? Can you take away comments from me?

Anyway, it will be easier for me to take the next time she gets pregnant too, I think. Now I know for sure they’re trying, and I will be expecting it. Also, I am hoping for it for them, more so since she’s had to go through this now.

Glad everyone seems to be doing pretty well, all things considered.

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2 Comments

  1. patti said,

    No, you didn’t say anything horrible. Everything you’re feeling is completely acceptable and understandable.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself, k?

    I’m glad you’re moving forward with what feels comfortable for you right now. Good for you! We’re all here cheering you on. Of that, there is NO doubt.

    😉

  2. Mel said,

    In all honesty, I went through the ins and outs of my feelings for OPPs (other people’s pregnancies). There were times when I was genuinely thrilled for the person and other times when I just cried and ridiculously screamed “Why her, not me??!!” And I even had the shameful thoughts, especially on the ones that so brazenly and confidently announced it to the world as soon as they got a positive pregnancy test, that they deserved to have a miscarriage for their lack of respect for the delicacy of pregnancy. I hated myself for those, I really did. I cannot even imagine how you feel about your situation with your SIL. It’s hard to deal with infertility in a family full of fertiles. You are only human, and we feel what we feel. It’s the most natural thing in the world.

    I’m sorry for all you’re going through right now, because I’ve felt those feelings, had those thoughts… it hurts. And failure in this venue is one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced in my life. IVF was probably suggested because it is actually a quicker alternative with a much higher rate of success and in your case, you might honestly consider it. It’s like this big scary thing out there on the horizon, but the rate of success amazes me.

    We are always here for you, no matter what, that is the truth. Don’t ever worry about what we may think… blogging is YOUR place and space to get your thoughts and opinions out and we all deserve the freedom to be honest and raw somewhere. I couldn’t be more thankful for it myself. 😉

    *hugs*

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