Where have I been?

September 29, 2008 at 5:45 pm (Uncategorized)

Oh, nowhere special. Here. It’s just that nothing is really going on on the “getting pregnant” front, besides the usual injections and ultrasounds, and I didn’t have much to say.

Much to say that wasn’t slightly to moderately bitchy, that is.

Am I allowed to complain about what other people write on their blogs? Even though everyone is allowed to say whatever they want to say on their blogs? Well, I guess I just answered my question. I wrote about this a week or more ago, but didn’t publish it because I felt like it came out all wrong, and I wanted to think about it some more. So without further ado, here’s what I’m talking about, and I hope you’ll forgive me if you think I’m being unfair…

Sometimes I’ll be reading a blog about infertility. And sometimes the blogger will be undergoing very similar treatments as I am undergoing. And sometimes this blogger will have essentially the same things “wrong” with them as I have “wrong” with me with regard to fertility. And sometimes, let’s just say, I’ve had four treated attempts at conceiving, and they have all failed. And I am disappointed, but I remain optimistic because, as my doctor has pointed out, PERFECTLY NORMAL, FERTILE COUPLES OFTEN TAKE UP TO A YEAR TO CONCEIVE. Let’s just say that’s the situation, and I understand this, and each time I fail to conceive, I am frustrated but it feels important to me to be logical and realistic and not give up all hope and flail in the face of infertility, and I look in part to the online infertility community to find that optimism. It is important to me to be an adult and think about what is normal and not expect above-average, or even above-below-average results for normal, fertile couples.

What gets to me, what really bugs me, what nags at me and makes me want to smack it like a bug, crush it and rinse it down the drain, is when this blogger whose blog I am reading has had one, or two, or three, or maybe even four, five, or six failed treated attempts (like mine) to conceive, and that blogger acts like there is no hope left for her.

Because, of course, if there is no hope left for her, then what does that say about me?

I know people are allowed to say what they want on their own blogs, but something about this feels irresponsible to me. I try hard not to say things on my blog that will make others feel worse about their “trying to conceive” situations. Is that foolish? Am I wrong? Do I say things on my blog that might make others feel worse about their situations? If I do, please tell me. I don’t want to do that. I’m sure I must, when I’m not paying close attention, but I do try not to. Maybe that’s dumb of me, but it matters to me so I do it.

And I know that doesn’t mean that I should be able to expect it of everyone else. And for goodness’ sake, I know these people are merely BLOGGING, not putting out PSAs. But when people act like there is no hope left for them, when clearly, statistically, there IS–PLENTY–I can’t help but feel like they are just acting childish. And they make me go, “Wait, I was feeling okay about my four failed attempts. Should I not? Am I doomed? Am I an idiot for feeling okay about them? Maybe I should start feeling sorry for myself.”

It’s one thing when the person can no longer afford to continue treatment. I understand that in such a case, she feels like her chances are greatly diminished. But when we’re talking purely about ruling out the possibility that she will ever be able to conceive, with or without treatment, simply because she has had three failed treated cycles, I just want to tell her to, pardon me for saying so, go fuck herself. Because if we’re ruling it out for her, then I may as well give up now too.

Should I blame this blogger’s doctor? For not explaining that sometimes it just takes a lot of tries? For near-guaranteeing that she would be successful in three attempts? I don’t know. Maybe it is the doctor’s fault. Maybe I should give the blogger the benefit of the doubt and inform her that sometimes it just takes a lot of tries and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong.

I feel like I have done this, though, and well, sometimes when people want to feel sorry for themselves, they don’t want to hear good news.

And I guess that’s what I find irresponsible. I think it’s totally, totally reasonable to get on your blog and bitch about how shitty and hopeless you’re feeling. But don’t you feel like maybe it would, I don’t know, at the very least bring about some good karma if you acknowledge that you haven’t quite hit bottom just yet? That maybe there are some people who are worse off than you and that maybe you actually aren’t in SUCH a bad spot after all? Even if you feel like total shit about it at this particular moment?

Or maybe I’m just a raging bitch.

Thanks for bearing with me on that. In other news, we have an appointment to see the new RE on Wednesday, October 1 (two days from now). The appointment was originally scheduled for October 20th, which would mean we might actually have had to start yet another cycle before seeing this guy, so I’m really glad we get to see him now. His consultation fee is–omg–$420. And no, my insurance does not cover any part of any fertility treatment OR diagnosis. Wowee. This guy better have a baby tree in his office. (No? Too weird?)

Anyway, I think my doctor might have caught on that we’re at least thinking of seeing someone else because I asked for my records to be copied, and then when I went in for my ultrasound on Friday, she was the one who performed it (that’s just because the usual NP wasn’t there) and she was SUPER nice to me even though I was about 40 minutes late (it wasn’t really my fault, everyone was late because some weird shit was happening with the traffic that day), AND she hugged me at the end of the appointment! Yes, Dr. Distant-and-Impersonal gave me a totally unprompted hug while I was sitting there on the table, half-dressed. It made me like her more, but it is not deterring us from seeing the new guy. We can decide after talking to him (for perhaps $7 a minute?) whether we want to start up with him for the next cycle or not.

And that is all. Another follicle and lining check tomorrow. I am not expecting too much, because I’ve finally started to figure out the signs symptoms on this, the Fifth Cycle.


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On to #5

September 15, 2008 at 4:01 pm (Uncategorized)

Still waiting to talk to the doctor about next time, because it was the nurse who called with my results. I am still planning to see that other doctor if this doesn’t work. I will make the appointment before I know whether it did or not, most likely.

I was right–having dealt with this on Thursday/Friday made it easier to take now. It was briefly bad, in part because I started spotting in the bathroom this afternoon, which I knew could be my period except I thought that would be extremely weird since I’m still on progesterone and have never gotten my period until a day or two after stopping the progesterone, so I kind of got my hopes up thinking maybe it was the kind of spotting it seems so many pregnant women have at around this time. But no, it’s definitely a negative.

I wonder if I’ll ever get pregnant. I really do.

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Fourth try

September 14, 2008 at 10:32 am (Uncategorized)

On Thursday, 10 dpo, something came over me. I took a pregnancy test. It was negative.

I dealt with the failure of this cycle then. I have made plans for a fifth cycle, and plans to see a new RE if and when that doesn’t work, and possibly before I even know whether it did or not (I would see him sooner, but he is not available until mid-October). I have realized that it is far easier for me to deal with each failed cycle if I already know what I am going to do next. Pinning my hopes on the idea of never having to do another cycle is far too painful.

I know it’s possible this cycle worked, but I seriously doubt it, and I am trying very hard not to entertain the notion that it might have. I know that seems like the opposite of what I should be doing, but it will make tomorrow so so so much better if I can pull it off.

I think I’m not even going to bother peeing on a stick tomorrow. I’m going to go straight for the beta. I realized that I would want the beta no matter what the result of the home pregnancy test ended up being anyway. I fully expect to get a call in the afternoon from the doctor saying, “I wish I had better news for you.” I’m glad she will be calling, because that means I will get to talk to her and set the next cycle in motion, which was a bit of a problem last time.

My life is really good. I can handle another failed cycle. I just wish I knew that eventually, I won’t have to.

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I ovulated.

September 8, 2008 at 4:29 pm (Uncategorized)

My progesterone level this morning was 12. The doctor said this was good and that I definitely ovulated, but that I should start using the Endometrin once nightly because they really like to see the progesterone at 15 or above.

Okay, she said some other stuff that got my hopes up. It was really just the way she phrased everything–I know that the only thing this test tells me is that I ovulated. But the first thing she said was, “Your progesterone was 12. That’s consistent with pregnancy.” At the time, actually, knowing that it’s too early to tell whether I’m pregnant, I really truly just interpreted this as “No need to rule out pregnancy yet,” which I know is all she meant. But when I told my husband she said this, he said, “What?!” all excited, which made me excited but also made me sort of sad, because I know it really only meant what I had initially thought it meant. Then I got into a mini-fight with him, because I had just gone on a five-second emotional rollercoaster, and, well, you know how it goes.

She also said something along the lines of, “But I think I’d like you to go on the Endometrin now as a precaution. And we’ll keep you on that until you’re 8 weeks.” It seemed like forever before she made some reference to whether I’d get a positive or a negative pregnancy test when I finally do test, so for a few golden seconds there I got to see what it would feel like to talk to my doctor when I am actually confirmed pregnant. It felt cool.

Hey, just wanted to say if you have stopped by my blog for the first time (or the second or the third or the anythingth), I would love it if you’d leave me a comment! I mean, you totally don’t have to, but they kind of make my day.

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Blaming myself

September 7, 2008 at 5:36 pm (Uncategorized)

First of all, I feel the need to say, again, that infertility is not my entire life. I know that’s all I write about here, but that’s because that’s what I started this blog for. I feel I have a very specific audience here, and I write to take advantage of that. You guys all know what this is about in a way that no one else does. You know what it is to worry about twinges and betas. Most people don’t. So I talk about this stuff here, where people know what I’m talking about.

Yes, I realize I’m defending myself and no one ever attacked me. Except me, of course. I have often thought, “Man, this blog is so boring. All I ever talk about is trying to get pregnant.” And so I guess in case anyone else was thinking it, I’d just share those thoughts.

I have come to another realization over the last few days. I have realized that even though it makes absolutely no sense, I have been blaming myself for not getting pregnant each of the times we have tried. I know! It’s ridiculous! But I have really truly thought, though subconsciously until now, that it has been my fault, that I have been creating an inhospitable environment in my body by worrying, by moving the wrong way, even–I swear–by wearing pants that are too tight. I mean, it’s not one specific thing I think I’ve been doing wrong, but it is every (or at least one of) each of the following: each thought, whether positive or negative, I have had about each attempt; every nervous flutter that comes over me when I think about it; my attitude, which is sometimes upbeat and sometimes down; writing too many blog posts; writing not enough blog posts; my heart pounding as I write this; staying up too late; drinking coffee in the morning; using the wrong bath products; spending too much time in the sun. But more than anything, I have been blaming how I think about this. It has simply been impossible for me to believe that I really, truly have no control over whether this works or not.

So now that I am aware of it, I am trying to banish it. It still sneaks in…a lot…but I know it’s foolish and frankly, it causes me to needlessly punish myself, so I am working on getting rid of it. And of course, the ultimate Catch 22 is that I feel like it really only WILL work when I truly believe that I have no control over it. And I haven’t reached that point yet.

Blood test tomorrow to confirm ovulation. Problem is that it doesn’t tell us *when* I ovulated. Oh well. Even if it did, I wouldn’t be able to control it.

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