Blaming myself

September 7, 2008 at 5:36 pm (Uncategorized)

First of all, I feel the need to say, again, that infertility is not my entire life. I know that’s all I write about here, but that’s because that’s what I started this blog for. I feel I have a very specific audience here, and I write to take advantage of that. You guys all know what this is about in a way that no one else does. You know what it is to worry about twinges and betas. Most people don’t. So I talk about this stuff here, where people know what I’m talking about.

Yes, I realize I’m defending myself and no one ever attacked me. Except me, of course. I have often thought, “Man, this blog is so boring. All I ever talk about is trying to get pregnant.” And so I guess in case anyone else was thinking it, I’d just share those thoughts.

I have come to another realization over the last few days. I have realized that even though it makes absolutely no sense, I have been blaming myself for not getting pregnant each of the times we have tried. I know! It’s ridiculous! But I have really truly thought, though subconsciously until now, that it has been my fault, that I have been creating an inhospitable environment in my body by worrying, by moving the wrong way, even–I swear–by wearing pants that are too tight. I mean, it’s not one specific thing I think I’ve been doing wrong, but it is every (or at least one of) each of the following: each thought, whether positive or negative, I have had about each attempt; every nervous flutter that comes over me when I think about it; my attitude, which is sometimes upbeat and sometimes down; writing too many blog posts; writing not enough blog posts; my heart pounding as I write this; staying up too late; drinking coffee in the morning; using the wrong bath products; spending too much time in the sun. But more than anything, I have been blaming how I think about this. It has simply been impossible for me to believe that I really, truly have no control over whether this works or not.

So now that I am aware of it, I am trying to banish it. It still sneaks in…a lot…but I know it’s foolish and frankly, it causes me to needlessly punish myself, so I am working on getting rid of it. And of course, the ultimate Catch 22 is that I feel like it really only WILL work when I truly believe that I have no control over it. And I haven’t reached that point yet.

Blood test tomorrow to confirm ovulation. Problem is that it doesn’t tell us *when* I ovulated. Oh well. Even if it did, I wouldn’t be able to control it.

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1 Comment

  1. patti said,

    It’s amazing, isn’t it? How we find a way to blame ourselves for our bodies not working they way “they’re supposed to”. I, too, blamed myself each and every month it didn’t work. Then after I had the miscarriage (which in my mind was clearly my fault somehow too) hen two more IUIs didn’t take and I had to go on injectible drugs? Well, I finally learned to throw up hands up in the air and concede that I had nothing to do with this working or not working. It was purely biological chemistry at work and completely out of my hands. I don’t know if giving up responsibility and control had anything to do with getting pregnant that month, but it certainly helped me sleep better at night.

    But I do think it’s a step in the right direction… 🙂

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