Where have I been?

September 29, 2008 at 5:45 pm (Uncategorized)

Oh, nowhere special. Here. It’s just that nothing is really going on on the “getting pregnant” front, besides the usual injections and ultrasounds, and I didn’t have much to say.

Much to say that wasn’t slightly to moderately bitchy, that is.

Am I allowed to complain about what other people write on their blogs? Even though everyone is allowed to say whatever they want to say on their blogs? Well, I guess I just answered my question. I wrote about this a week or more ago, but didn’t publish it because I felt like it came out all wrong, and I wanted to think about it some more. So without further ado, here’s what I’m talking about, and I hope you’ll forgive me if you think I’m being unfair…

Sometimes I’ll be reading a blog about infertility. And sometimes the blogger will be undergoing very similar treatments as I am undergoing. And sometimes this blogger will have essentially the same things “wrong” with them as I have “wrong” with me with regard to fertility. And sometimes, let’s just say, I’ve had four treated attempts at conceiving, and they have all failed. And I am disappointed, but I remain optimistic because, as my doctor has pointed out, PERFECTLY NORMAL, FERTILE COUPLES OFTEN TAKE UP TO A YEAR TO CONCEIVE. Let’s just say that’s the situation, and I understand this, and each time I fail to conceive, I am frustrated but it feels important to me to be logical and realistic and not give up all hope and flail in the face of infertility, and I look in part to the online infertility community to find that optimism. It is important to me to be an adult and think about what is normal and not expect above-average, or even above-below-average results for normal, fertile couples.

What gets to me, what really bugs me, what nags at me and makes me want to smack it like a bug, crush it and rinse it down the drain, is when this blogger whose blog I am reading has had one, or two, or three, or maybe even four, five, or six failed treated attempts (like mine) to conceive, and that blogger acts like there is no hope left for her.

Because, of course, if there is no hope left for her, then what does that say about me?

I know people are allowed to say what they want on their own blogs, but something about this feels irresponsible to me. I try hard not to say things on my blog that will make others feel worse about their “trying to conceive” situations. Is that foolish? Am I wrong? Do I say things on my blog that might make others feel worse about their situations? If I do, please tell me. I don’t want to do that. I’m sure I must, when I’m not paying close attention, but I do try not to. Maybe that’s dumb of me, but it matters to me so I do it.

And I know that doesn’t mean that I should be able to expect it of everyone else. And for goodness’ sake, I know these people are merely BLOGGING, not putting out PSAs. But when people act like there is no hope left for them, when clearly, statistically, there IS–PLENTY–I can’t help but feel like they are just acting childish. And they make me go, “Wait, I was feeling okay about my four failed attempts. Should I not? Am I doomed? Am I an idiot for feeling okay about them? Maybe I should start feeling sorry for myself.”

It’s one thing when the person can no longer afford to continue treatment. I understand that in such a case, she feels like her chances are greatly diminished. But when we’re talking purely about ruling out the possibility that she will ever be able to conceive, with or without treatment, simply because she has had three failed treated cycles, I just want to tell her to, pardon me for saying so, go fuck herself. Because if we’re ruling it out for her, then I may as well give up now too.

Should I blame this blogger’s doctor? For not explaining that sometimes it just takes a lot of tries? For near-guaranteeing that she would be successful in three attempts? I don’t know. Maybe it is the doctor’s fault. Maybe I should give the blogger the benefit of the doubt and inform her that sometimes it just takes a lot of tries and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong.

I feel like I have done this, though, and well, sometimes when people want to feel sorry for themselves, they don’t want to hear good news.

And I guess that’s what I find irresponsible. I think it’s totally, totally reasonable to get on your blog and bitch about how shitty and hopeless you’re feeling. But don’t you feel like maybe it would, I don’t know, at the very least bring about some good karma if you acknowledge that you haven’t quite hit bottom just yet? That maybe there are some people who are worse off than you and that maybe you actually aren’t in SUCH a bad spot after all? Even if you feel like total shit about it at this particular moment?

Or maybe I’m just a raging bitch.

Thanks for bearing with me on that. In other news, we have an appointment to see the new RE on Wednesday, October 1 (two days from now). The appointment was originally scheduled for October 20th, which would mean we might actually have had to start yet another cycle before seeing this guy, so I’m really glad we get to see him now. His consultation fee is–omg–$420. And no, my insurance does not cover any part of any fertility treatment OR diagnosis. Wowee. This guy better have a baby tree in his office. (No? Too weird?)

Anyway, I think my doctor might have caught on that we’re at least thinking of seeing someone else because I asked for my records to be copied, and then when I went in for my ultrasound on Friday, she was the one who performed it (that’s just because the usual NP wasn’t there) and she was SUPER nice to me even though I was about 40 minutes late (it wasn’t really my fault, everyone was late because some weird shit was happening with the traffic that day), AND she hugged me at the end of the appointment! Yes, Dr. Distant-and-Impersonal gave me a totally unprompted hug while I was sitting there on the table, half-dressed. It made me like her more, but it is not deterring us from seeing the new guy. We can decide after talking to him (for perhaps $7 a minute?) whether we want to start up with him for the next cycle or not.

And that is all. Another follicle and lining check tomorrow. I am not expecting too much, because I’ve finally started to figure out the signs symptoms on this, the Fifth Cycle.

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. Mel said,

    There are a lot of blogs I had to just stop reading all together after following a person for a few cycles. I cannot cope with people who cannot pull up their big girl britches and have some kind of hopeful attitude. Yes, a failed cycle is shit and for the immediately following days thereafter, it is perfectly ok to cry and feel miserable. But to perpetuate negativity and an infinite hopelessness about one’s situation is immature and whiney. Why keep trying? There is some element of faith required in fertility treatments, and I don’t mean just religious. Faith that it CAN happen, faith that your doctor will succeed, faith that trying again might honestly have a different result. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. I’d stop reading. I’ve had so many of those and even if they still keep commenting on my blog, I don’t go back to theirs. Negativity feeds and breeds on others and it’s the last thing any of us need in the situation we find ourselves. I am always pushing hope and positivity off on you, though, so I might be the complete opposite version of irritating-LOL!

    I am excited to hear how your new RE appt goes. Mine was also extremely expensive (at least 30% more on every expense than my first RE) but it was worth it. I got what I paid for in that situation and I hope you do, too.

    *hugs*

  2. dana said,

    Hi!

    This is my first visit to your blog (via cyclesista) and I just have to tell you ITA!

    I try to remain as optimistic as possible about infertility…I do have my down days but most of the time, I’m ok. And it often feels kind of weird, for me at least, to read others who blog daily about being in a periless state of mind. Sometimes I feel guilty because I’m not that “low” all the time. Like, maybe there’s something wrong with ME? Does that make any sense?

    Anyway – wishing you the best of luck tomorrow! Can’t wait to see an update!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: