The latest

October 29, 2008 at 10:24 am (Uncategorized)

I struggle to make this sound interesting. I fail.

I had a scan on Monday at which point I had about three follicles in the 13-15 mm range. I was told to take 75 IU of Menopur that night, and 37.5 IU the next night–he figured we were at the tapering off point–and to come in for another scan on Wednesday. Today, those follicles had barely grown, and he said, “Your follicles are very interesting. You have a lot of them, and they look like they have the potential to overstimulate, but they don’t. I thought we were at the point where we could taper off and we’d be ready to trigger today, but we’re not. Your follicles are going only on what we’re feeing them right now.” So now I am doing 112.5 IU tonight and another 75 IU tomorrow. He says we can’t taper off with me. He also says he thinks the problem with the other cycles has been everyone tiptoeing around my follicles for fear of overstimulating them, but that doesn’t happen with me. We don’t need to be quite so gentle, is the conclusion. Also, he checked the mucous, which he said looked great.

I go back in on Friday and hopefully we will trigger then. It’s been an annoying cycle because I’ve had to go into the pharmacy every single time I’ve had a scan, because I never have any leftover–I keep only buying the bare minimum. Hopefully next time (if there is a next time) we can order all of it or most of it in advance.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again: what I really like about this doctor is that he really seems to be thinking about what’s going on with me. He is paying attention and adjusting based on how I respond. I don’t feel like the old doctor was doing that as much.

Hope this works.

Sorry that was so boring.

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I know what you’re going to say

October 24, 2008 at 2:02 pm (Uncategorized)

You’re going to say I can’t have it both ways.

Today I had several follicles that had started to grow. I don’t even remember how many–he never said, just measured a bunch. Nothing larger than 13 mm. He said we’re doing one more day of one vial each of Bravelle and Menopur, and then on Saturday and Sunday just the one vial of Menopur, and then I’ll see him again Monday. He said I am responding in a “typical” fashion, but my tendency is that a bunch will be stimulated, which is why he’s dialing it back. I asked him how many follicles he would like to have at the time of ovulation, and he said three or four.

It wasn’t until after I left that that started making me really nervous. About getting pregnant. With many babies.

And I’ve calmed waaaay down since then (not that I was hyperventilating or anything, just extra thoughtful…as usual), but I still wanted to start my post this way–is that allowed? But seriously, I’ve (supposedly) ovulated seven times already without one sticking, so releasing three or four eggs at once is obviously highly unlikely to result in three or four babies. But what about two? I know we’ve discussed this before, but I’m still nervous about two. But there’s no point in having a discussion about it–if there are two, there are two.

Otherwise, Dr. M said all my husband’s stuff looked really great, so there’s no reason I shouldn’t get pregnant “within two cycles.” He also said he really believes the problem with the other cycles has been their length. We’ll see if he’s right. Since the follicles had already started to grow today, Day 7, they had me pick up the hCG stuff at the pharmacy today because they think it’s possible I will be triggering on Monday, or shortly thereafter.

WOW. What a difference.

We still don’t know for sure whether it’s the *right* difference, of course. And I do find myself sympathizing with Dr. R’s (the former RE’s) goal of trying to get only one follicle. Then again, if the only way to get only one follicle is to have a too-long cycle, then it’s time to try something new, in my opinion.

I said to Dr. M, “So we’re ruling things out, right?” He said something about the only other thing he could think of would be tubal dysfunction, and if I’d had the presence of mind I would have asked him why my HSG didn’t rule that out (does anyone else know the answer to that?). And then I asked about mucous, and he said, “We’d bypass that. With an insemination. If the mucous is no good, we’ll do an insemination.” They’re going to check my mucous around the time of ovulation. So exciting. I never thought I’d be so happy to have my mucous monitored. Can I just not write the word “mucous” any more? Also, they’re going to check to make sure I ovulated afterward. Hoorah.

Anyway, that’s my update. Also, I picked up the hCG, which is different from the Ovidrel I’m used to. This is Novarel. Any reports? It says on the bottle that it’s supposed to be taken intramuscularly, but I asked and made sure subcutaneously is okay, and they said it is. I’m not very much in the mood to conquer another type of injection at this point.

Hey also, I just wanted to mention…thank you guys so much for your awesome comments. They really are so helpful and comforting. Please don’t stop leaving them!!

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I hope he and the hamster will be very happy together.

October 23, 2008 at 5:11 pm (Uncategorized)

Another day, another semen analysis. Two, actually.

Apparently my husband’s sperm penetrated the hamster egg(s? not sure how many they use in the test) in a good and normal manner. After Monday, when I said I didn’t know what result I wanted, I realized that this actually was the result I wanted, so that’s good. Yeah, Monday I just felt horrible, desperate and so sad. It turns out I really needed sleep. I felt much better after that. I still feel anxious and am wondering why this isn’t working, and there are only so many other things we can rule out as we do each of these tests. We learned today that it is (probably) not sperm function, so what else is there? Cervical mucous? I’ll ask about it tomorrow at my ultrasound. Oh yeah, we also still have to confirm I’m ovulating. But also, I forgot to mention the other semen analysis, which was, for the third time, totally normal and good. Tons of sperm, plenty of motility, etc. My husband was really worried that it might have started to go downhill because his varicoceles have been bothering him so much lately, particularly this “new” one on the right. He wants to get surgery to correct them, but the doctor said “Let’s get your wife pregnant first,” and now I’m sure the doctor will stress that even more in light of the fact that his sperm are in good shape on all fronts.

I have been on 75 IU of Menopur and 75 IU of Bravelle daily since Monday–much more than the starting dose I was doing with my former RE of 37.5 IU of Menopur a day. Funny how it never occurred to her that I NEVER responded until she upped it to at least 112.5 IU. I have been feeling it in my ovaries more than usual, I think, so hopefully we’ll see something good tomorrow. But it has only been four days of injectables, after all. Tomorrow will be Cycle Day 7.

And anyway, can I really expect better results doing pretty much the same thing with a new doctor? Okay, I know it’s not the exact same thing, but I still feel like if everything is in working order, it should have worked by now how we were doing it before. Is there any chance a shorter cycle and a couple of extra follicles (if we even achieve either of those things) will do the trick?

Sigh. Why does so much of this have to involve waiting?

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Something is happening to me

October 20, 2008 at 9:54 pm (Uncategorized)

I’ve turned a corner…in a bad way. I used to feel excited and optimistic about trying to get pregnant. Now I feel desperate and so, so sad. I just read something that mentioned Amy Poehler and how pregnant she is…and I burst into tears. I can’t believe that I will never get pregnant, but…I just feel like…this is impossible. Absolutely impossible. I feel so lost and sad. It doesn’t feel fun anymore.

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Starting (sorta) fresh

October 20, 2008 at 7:22 pm (Uncategorized)

Actually, I don’t feel like I’m starting fresh at all. I feel sad right now. And yes, it’s about this. I don’t know if I can explain, but I’ll just tell you about today.

Saw Dr. New Guy (from now on, Dr. M) for a Day 3 baseline ultrasound (totally new to me) and baseline bloodwork. My E2 was 31, and my FSH was 8.4, which the nurse said was good. Ultrasound looked…whatever. Uneventful. The doctor said my ovaries *sort of* had the PCO look, but that I don’t respond to medication like a PCO person and I don’t have other PCO-like qualities, and anyway, it doesn’t matter–the treatment is the same.

We are doing the hamster test, which I am really glad about. Because though my husband’s semen analyses have looked fine, we have no idea about sperm function.

And the truth is, I don’t know what result I’m hoping for from this test. I mean, if we get good results, that’s great, BUT. BUT what is causing the problem with us then? If not his sperm’s ability to penetrate the egg, what? Maybe mucous. That wouldn’t be bad–we could just do an IUI. In fact, maybe he will suggest that this time around, if my husband’s sperm penetration assay seems fine. Of course, if it seems fine in the test, it might still not work where it matters; his sperm could still have trouble penetrating MY egg. And then we won’t even know that’s the problem. If we *know* his sperm isn’t working right, I think we’ll just do IVF (scary as fuck to me, by the way–what if THAT doesn’t worK??).

Basically, I’m starting to get that hopeless feeling. My first RE (Dr. R) at least was generally encouraging that she would be willing to try this for a year. This guy said he would have to do at least two regular ovulation induction cycles, but then who knows? I called Dr. R today to tell her thanks for all your help, but we’re going to work with another doctor for a little while. I know that I could have disappeared without a word to her, but it just didn’t feel right to me. She invested something in me, and I’d like to believe she’d at least like to know where I went. She was fairly nice about, and she said Dr. M is “very experienced” (though that is the nicest thing she could bring herself to say). She also said he “pushes IVF more” than she does. Well, perhaps that’s true, but maybe that’s starting to make more sense to me. Look, maybe you just kinda sorta have to see more than one doctor when the first one isn’t working after awhile. You just start to wonder what else is out there.

I don’t know. I just feel at odds and a little hopeless right now. I know we’re starting a fresh cycle, but maybe it’s that the doctor today even seemed kind of like, “who knows what’s going on?” I wanted him to be like, “here’s what’s going to happen.” I wanted him to tell me I am going to get pregnant eventually. I want that.

Great, I’m crying now.

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BFN + AF

October 18, 2008 at 7:47 am (Uncategorized)

There is most certainly a glass of wine with my name on it at tonight’s dinner. One with Patti‘s name on it too, ’cause I keep my promises. I’m selfless like that.

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Even less.

October 17, 2008 at 9:11 am (Uncategorized)

My boobs hurt even less and are less sensitive today. I had some mild cramping at the end of the day yesterday and I am not feeling anything today yet. My temperature dropped this morning, too. Pretty sure I’m not pregnant at this point. If I test tomorrow, 13 dpo, and it’s negative, am I allowed to have a glass of wine with dinner? I am half-throwing a dinner party (luckily it is at someone else’s house) and I really would like to be able to have some wine. It would help.

My husband probably really won’t want me to, but I really will want to.

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Sad.

October 15, 2008 at 9:27 pm (Uncategorized)

I don’t think it worked this time. As I said earlier, I started having those cramps today that I’ve had in all my other cycles. Also, my boobs hurt less than they did yesterday. I know progesterone is what causes them to hurt, and I am taking progesterone supplements, but I suspect my natural progesterone started to go down today or something. Anyway, it sucks. I feel sad, so I’m eating two brownies tonight instead of just one.

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Fuck.

October 15, 2008 at 1:02 pm (Uncategorized)

I’ve started feeling sort of crampy, as I have in all of my other, failed, cycles. I usually felt it earlier, though. Truth be told, I have always attributed it to my ovaries, not my uterus. It’s really hard to tell what’s what down there. But anyway, since it’s the only thing I think can possibly be related to anything I care about, I focus on it. I’m starting to sound like a broken record, saying the same things each cycle. I’m sorry. I wish I could be clever and different.

But I keep wanting to write here, to post something. I want to say something that will inspire someone to say something really helpful to me. I want to say whatever it is that’s going to result in me being pregnant this time.

I hate the two week wait. I broke down in hysterical tears the other night, just trying to explain to my husband how awful and intense and overwhelming this second week always is, how sad I felt imagining the negative result I might soon get, I felt desperate and scared and hopeless. He was wonderful, and I am not hysterically crying anymore. But that’s because you can only cry, you can only feel that way, for so long, and then it dies down.

If I’m not pregnant this time, what does that mean? This time I really *do* feel like it means something is more wrong than we previously thought. I feel like it should have happened by now. I…ugh. Why am I writing this? It’s the same thing over and over again. I just feel the need to talk to somebody about this right now and there’s no one to talk to. I feel so alone. I am terrified of taking a pregnancy test. I am terrified of everything.

Sometimes I just think, “Please. Please let it be this time.”

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29

October 10, 2008 at 1:07 pm (Uncategorized)

Today is my 29th birthday. I wonder if my doctors will still say I’m “so young.” Ha ha.

My husband’s urologist said the only reason he would need to get surgery on his varicoceles is if he wants to get rid of the pain–it is not necessary for fertility purposes, apparently, since his semen analyses look fine. “You could impregnate the Rockettes,” he said. What a strange thought.

Still, I read a couple of studies that suggested that varicoceles could affect sperm function, beyond the stuff you see in a standard semen analysis. But I’m going to try real hard (and probably fail) not to worry about that, since the urologist said everything is fine.

But if this cycle fails, we will certainly ask Dr. New Guy about it.

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