Unpleasant stuff

October 9, 2008 at 11:41 am (Uncategorized)

First of all, I realize this doesn’t come as a shock to anyone, but I really fucking hate the two week wait. And it truly does get worse each time, as each failure makes success in the next cycle seem all the more crucial, yet all the less likely. Or not. I don’t know.

On the one hand, I never really believe in any individual cycle that it’s going to work. On the other hand, part of me feels like it’s just GOT TO. It’s just got to. And what am I gonna do if it doesn’t?

This has been compounded by some new information we got today. My husband has been having on and off pain in his left testicle for years. He’s had it checked out numerous times, and it was determined he had a varicocele. But he also had semen analyses done in both 1/07 and 8/08 and they both turned out normal. But in the last few weeks, the pain has gotten worse and he has felt it on the right side. He saw a urologist about it last week, and today he had an ultrasound to see what is going on. Now he apparently has a varicocele on both sides. He is terrified that it is affecting his fertility, though I keep trying to point out that his semen analysis was normal and good only two months ago. He is afraid that this right-side varicocele set in since then, and is now making him infertile because the right testicle can no longer make up for any possible deficiencies in the left. Furthermore, we don’t know for sure that a varicocele does not cause problems in the sperm that the semen analysis can’t detect. I keep trying to find stuff online but it’s pretty vague. One sperm problem that a semen analysis can’t detect is an absence of the enzyme in the sperm that helps it get through the egg. We’re hoping we don’t have that problem, but the only way to know for sure would be if we did IVF. Which we may end up having to do, of course.

This is all unpleasant and on the one hand makes me feel less optimistic about this cycle, but on the other hand doesn’t. We have no idea if the varicoceles are affecting his sperm, and since the old one wasn’t causing a problem two months ago, would he suddenly just be entirely infertile? It seems doubtful.

My husband had to wake up at 6 am this morning to get to the ultrasound, and even though I didn’t have to get up for another hour or so, I couldn’t get back to sleep after the 6 am alarm went off. I’m back in immediately-upon-waking heart-pounding mode. I become conscious and immediately remember that I am in the two week wait and wonder what the hell is going on in my body. I hate it. I hate this. I wish I could take a mental vacation during the two week wait, but as it turns out that’s exactly when I CAN’T take a mental vacation. I have absolutely no control. It really fucking sucks.

I know you all understand.

If anyone knows anything about all this varicocele stuff, please speak up. I’m feeling a bit discouraged.

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1 Comment

  1. Mel said,

    Husband has a varicocele. We had some morphology issues thanks to it and he also had testerone levels that were sometimes questionable. Guys are so hard for them to label, unless there is a CLEAR problem. In our case, our RE recommended that Husband sit on a cold athlete’s cup for 20-30 mintues a day (yes, we put the thing in the freezer and it grossed me out to see it in there every day!) and we also bought this stuff called Proxeed that my RE swears by. You can buy it online, it’s a little pricey but I believe 100% worth it. RE said he doesn’t believe in much homeopathic stuff, but that he consistently saw results with this stuff, not only improving counts but also improving the quality of the sperm. Husband also took clomid for about a month and that seemed to help with those flexing testosterone levels.
    Now, he never had pain from the varicocele, so this might be a completely different issue. I am so sad to hear it is hurting your hubs! They are so much more untolerant of pain than we are, I cannot imagine pain in that region being manageable, either. I hope his u/s results come out ok. We did a lot of research on the whole varicocele thing, too, and the data is so mixed.

    I feel for your two week wait, as always. You’re in my thoughts and I am thinking only the best end for you right now.
    *hugs*

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