Fuck.

October 15, 2008 at 1:02 pm (Uncategorized)

I’ve started feeling sort of crampy, as I have in all of my other, failed, cycles. I usually felt it earlier, though. Truth be told, I have always attributed it to my ovaries, not my uterus. It’s really hard to tell what’s what down there. But anyway, since it’s the only thing I think can possibly be related to anything I care about, I focus on it. I’m starting to sound like a broken record, saying the same things each cycle. I’m sorry. I wish I could be clever and different.

But I keep wanting to write here, to post something. I want to say something that will inspire someone to say something really helpful to me. I want to say whatever it is that’s going to result in me being pregnant this time.

I hate the two week wait. I broke down in hysterical tears the other night, just trying to explain to my husband how awful and intense and overwhelming this second week always is, how sad I felt imagining the negative result I might soon get, I felt desperate and scared and hopeless. He was wonderful, and I am not hysterically crying anymore. But that’s because you can only cry, you can only feel that way, for so long, and then it dies down.

If I’m not pregnant this time, what does that mean? This time I really *do* feel like it means something is more wrong than we previously thought. I feel like it should have happened by now. I…ugh. Why am I writing this? It’s the same thing over and over again. I just feel the need to talk to somebody about this right now and there’s no one to talk to. I feel so alone. I am terrified of taking a pregnancy test. I am terrified of everything.

Sometimes I just think, “Please. Please let it be this time.”

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1 Comment

  1. patti said,

    Inasmuch as you wish you could say something inspiring, I wish I could tell you something that will lift your spirits and help ease the burden that I know you’re carrying.

    I just wish things would work out for you quickly and easily. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

    However, if this one doesn’t work (God forbid) then you’ve got Dr. New Guy to carry you forward and continue your care until you ARE pregnant.

    It’s not impossible…just difficult. But I know you’ll get there.

    Hang in there.

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