Starting (sorta) fresh

October 20, 2008 at 7:22 pm (Uncategorized)

Actually, I don’t feel like I’m starting fresh at all. I feel sad right now. And yes, it’s about this. I don’t know if I can explain, but I’ll just tell you about today.

Saw Dr. New Guy (from now on, Dr. M) for a Day 3 baseline ultrasound (totally new to me) and baseline bloodwork. My E2 was 31, and my FSH was 8.4, which the nurse said was good. Ultrasound looked…whatever. Uneventful. The doctor said my ovaries *sort of* had the PCO look, but that I don’t respond to medication like a PCO person and I don’t have other PCO-like qualities, and anyway, it doesn’t matter–the treatment is the same.

We are doing the hamster test, which I am really glad about. Because though my husband’s semen analyses have looked fine, we have no idea about sperm function.

And the truth is, I don’t know what result I’m hoping for from this test. I mean, if we get good results, that’s great, BUT. BUT what is causing the problem with us then? If not his sperm’s ability to penetrate the egg, what? Maybe mucous. That wouldn’t be bad–we could just do an IUI. In fact, maybe he will suggest that this time around, if my husband’s sperm penetration assay seems fine. Of course, if it seems fine in the test, it might still not work where it matters; his sperm could still have trouble penetrating MY egg. And then we won’t even know that’s the problem. If we *know* his sperm isn’t working right, I think we’ll just do IVF (scary as fuck to me, by the way–what if THAT doesn’t worK??).

Basically, I’m starting to get that hopeless feeling. My first RE (Dr. R) at least was generally encouraging that she would be willing to try this for a year. This guy said he would have to do at least two regular ovulation induction cycles, but then who knows? I called Dr. R today to tell her thanks for all your help, but we’re going to work with another doctor for a little while. I know that I could have disappeared without a word to her, but it just didn’t feel right to me. She invested something in me, and I’d like to believe she’d at least like to know where I went. She was fairly nice about, and she said Dr. M is “very experienced” (though that is the nicest thing she could bring herself to say). She also said he “pushes IVF more” than she does. Well, perhaps that’s true, but maybe that’s starting to make more sense to me. Look, maybe you just kinda sorta have to see more than one doctor when the first one isn’t working after awhile. You just start to wonder what else is out there.

I don’t know. I just feel at odds and a little hopeless right now. I know we’re starting a fresh cycle, but maybe it’s that the doctor today even seemed kind of like, “who knows what’s going on?” I wanted him to be like, “here’s what’s going to happen.” I wanted him to tell me I am going to get pregnant eventually. I want that.

Great, I’m crying now.

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3 Comments

  1. dana said,

    I think it’s always interesting when we make the choice to see a new Dr. I am amazed at how different their protocols can be. But, in a sense, it’s good they’re not on the same page – kwim?

    At this point – oh, how cliche this sounds – I’d take it one step at a time. Which is to say, wait & see what the Hampster test reveals and then look ahead. A postitive is that he is introducing some new (^^), which hasn’t been done yet for y’all.

    Hang in there….(see, there I go again with those damn cliches)

  2. Mel said,

    My first cycle with our second RE was very much a “let’s just see how everything is working here” and then we’ll be able to formulate our exact plan of attack. It wasn’t thrilling for that first cycle to be sure, really quite anticlimactic to be honest, but in our case he learned a LOT and it ultimately resulted in his assessment of my need for surgery and Husband’s need for some additional medical and natural treatments. He didn’t *push* IVF so to speak, but his philosophy in our case was that if 3 perfectly timed injectibles + IUI cycles did not result in pregnancy, why waste the time and money any further? Because after a while, the expense just gets so ridiculous. I’d rather take my money and throw it at my 60% odds of IVF working.
    *hugs*

  3. I hope he and the hamster will be very happy together. « talking about myself said,

    […] the hamster egg(s? not sure how many they use in the test) in a good and normal manner. After Monday, when I said I didn’t know what result I wanted, I realized that this actually was the result […]

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