Cysts.

December 17, 2008 at 12:04 pm (Uncategorized)

Yes, they’re my first, thanks. I get to do what I’ve read about so many other women having to do–take a month off and go on the pill for three weeks to suppress them. The doctor said they are not otherwise problematic.

Also, rewind: when he walked in, he was shaking his head and he said, “It was supposed to work this time.” I said, “You’re telling us.”

He reiterated that he wants to try one more good cycle like this last one. Then, if it doesn’t work, it looks like it will be time to go to IVF. Because we don’t know if my tubes are picking up the eggs, we don’t know if my husband’s sperm are penetrating the eggs, etc.

I’m ready. The doctor said we would be pregnant “soon.” But, you know, they’ve all said that.

Sigh. A forced break means I get to drink during ALL the holidays. So there’s that.

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This blog isn’t very fun to read any more, is it?

December 15, 2008 at 5:30 pm (Uncategorized)

I’ll try to be better. It’s just that I always feel so silly and stupid when I sound optimistic and then all my hopes and dreams are dashed. Not to be dramatic or anything.

I cried and grieved so much on Saturday that I felt surprisingly at peace on Sunday. My husband has been absolutely the best throughout all of this, but especially this time. I have never felt closer to him, so I suppose that is one nice thing to come out of this. It is awfully nice to have someone who wants this as much as I do, but who also says, “I’m happy with just you, and it would never be worth it to me to have this if it meant I couldn’t also have you.”

Today is Day 1, which means this last cycle was 26 days long!! Oh my god, I’m breaking records right and left. Anyway, I know this can be a long, difficult journey, so I’m ready to move on. Going back to see the doctor on Wednesday, and we’ll see if he has anything helpful to say. I’m beginning to see IVF as more and more of a realistic possibility now, but I’m pretty sure he wants to do one more IUI cycle before moving on. That’s fine. I believe my insurance will start picking up fertility treatments next year, so yay to that. I’m not going to hold out too much hope that this next IUI will work, but I am still very much expecting that I will have a baby one day. I am not letting go on that one.

To give some perspective, I now have two pregnant friends. One of them has a husband who just got laid off. The other one just discovered her husband has been carrying on an online relationship with a woman in another country who didn’t know he was married. Both of them are going to work it out, I know it, but it just goes to show that life doesn’t become perfect once you get pregnant. And so far I have it pretty good in all the departments except the pregnancy one.

Except that I forgot to mention that last week I got a call from a higher-up saying that my hours are way too low. Scary in these economic times when people are generally getting laid off right and left, but I felt it was a bit unfair too. Ah well, it was awful when I got the call, but I’m working hard to rectify it to the extent I can.

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Fail.

December 13, 2008 at 3:28 pm (Uncategorized)

It’s a lot harder now.

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I had been feeling so optimistic.

December 7, 2008 at 8:44 pm (Uncategorized)

…and then I went back and read early TTC posts from a very widely-read blog that was, at one time, about infertility. And as it turns out, none of her IUIs got her pregnant, and when she decided to adopt, she got pregnant spontaneously. Just like so very many people.

And it made me so sad, because that can’t happen to me. Because I just don’t ovulate on my own. At all.

I just told my husband this–I know it upset him. He hates that I read this stuff, and I got the sense just now that he feels like I’m not doing my part when I read it and let it get me down.

But really, I had been feeling so good. I’m mad at myself now for reading that, for letting it get to me. I have too much goddamn time on my hands.

Okay, that’s over. Moving on. We’re good.

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Possible mix-up.

December 5, 2008 at 3:24 pm (Uncategorized)

Today’s labs:

Estrogen: over 4000
Progesterone: 62 point something

The nurse said it was like looking at a whole different person. Granted, I have been on the estrogen patch (which I have now been told to remove) and Endometrin progesterone suppositories (which are not supposed to raise blood progesterone levels very much at all–recall that after having been on them for four days last time my progesterone was at 10.1; this time, I’ve been on them since Tuesday). The doctor apparently wrote “good” on my chart next to the estrogen result. I must confess I don’t even know how high estrogen is supposed to be at this point; I guess it depends on how many follicles I had, which, based on how tender my right ovary has been feeling the last several days, may have been more than we realized? I don’t know.

I’m just happy about this. It’s a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

Back in for more labs on Tuesday. Continue progesterone treatment (’cause why not?!?! apparently. but seriously. why not.)

By the way: how is it possible that I don’t FEEL any different when my estrogen is over 4000 from when it’s 54? Or when my progesterone is over 62 from when it’s 0.78? These are hormones. I would expect them (or their absence) to make me crazy or something. But no, nothing! Except that I’m bloated and my ovaries hurt. Which I don’t feel like is *directly* related. Is it?

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Whoa.

December 3, 2008 at 1:28 pm (Uncategorized)

For the first time, I’m having trigger shot side effects.

First of all, I felt really nauseous during the night after I took the trigger shot. This has never happened to me before.

Furthermore, over the last couple of days I seem to be rapidly gaining weight for no clear reason, and I have this uncomfortable distended feeling in my stomach. Bloat! I feel better now. Except for this bloated feeling.

Also, last night, when I got into bed, my ovaries felt REALLY crampy. It finally died down, but I was actually worried for a few minutes. They are still cramping on and off, and my midsection has been feeling generally uncomfortable for the last day or so.

Also, and I’m not sure if this is a side effect, but I read about it so why not: I have been STARVING for the last couple of days. Starving in the morning before breakfast, and then so hungry for lunch starting around 10:30 am that I practically can’t think straight.

I think it’s weird that the trigger shot has never had these effects on me before, except maybe some slight bloating once or twice, but never this noticeable.

That is all.

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Happy 27th, Britney

December 2, 2008 at 10:58 am (Uncategorized)

I mean, ’cause why not?

So I guess I ovulated. The doctor said I did. He didn’t say so right away. In fact, when we looked at the ultrasound screen, I started to get upset. I still saw several big fat follicles. I was waiting to see collapsed ones. But he said that one of the ones from yesterday had collapsed (he pointed it out–it was much smaller, which made it difficult to see), one hadn’t ruptured, one looked like it might have ruptured and started to become a corpus luteum OR it might have just started to luteinize unruptured, and one, he said, had clearly ruptured and become a large corpus luteum.

Whatever. I don’t know. I guess he thinks two and possibly three, but possibly not three, ovulated. Now I’m on lots of progesterone and estrogen for the next two weeks. I asked my husband if he thought there was any chance the doctor might say I ovulated even if he could tell I hadn’t or he wasn’t sure. He said I was crazy. Maybe I am.

I am trying to be positive. But this gets harder and harder. (Ugh, I hate the whiny sound of that.) I told my husband this morning, “I don’t know what to do with my brain for the next two weeks.” I know I’m supposed to visualize fertilization and shit like that, but it is nearly impossible for me. Oh sure, I can visualize it in the abstract, but I can’t do that thing where you really imagine it happening inside you. So I guess I’ll just go to work and eat lunch and wake up and go to bed for the next two weeks, while avoiding alcohol and whatever else it is I decide I should probably avoid for the moment, and, you know, just wait. And try not to get too down on everything. Jeez, I was even feeling super optimistic, and now, though there is really NO reason for me to stop feeling optimistic, I just feel…anxious. I guess because we’re back at this point where it’s totally out of my control.

Also, I hate that I sound like a fucking broken record already.

Positive thoughts, though. Positive thoughts. There’s no reason it shouldn’t work this time. No reason at all.

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100th post

December 1, 2008 at 11:17 am (Uncategorized)

This is my 100th post! I am going to have an insane party today to celebrate. OR maybe I’ll just have some sperm deposited inside my uterus. For me, the thrill is the same.

Actually, the sperm were dropped in there this morning. I just got back from the doctor. I am a bit anxious, because according to the scan I have not ovulated yet. Argh. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. It had been 41 hours since the trigger when he checked. So I have to go back in tomorrow to make sure it has happened by then.

If it hasn’t, I’ll be really frustrated and disappointed. However, there will be one (slender) silver lining in that case: I took Ovidrel for my trigger this time, as I did with all my cycles with Dr. R. If Ovidrel doesn’t cause me to ovulate this cycle, maybe it didn’t cause me ovulate all those other cycles. Which is, of course, completely maddening, but then I wouldn’t have to count those cycles; see what I mean? And he seems to think I ovulated with Novarel last time, so next time we could just use that.

But if I haven’t ovulated, it will really fucking suck. Okay? I just want to be clear about that.

Okay, I’m going to try to accomplish something work-related now. I just wanted to give that update.

Thanks for all the sweet and encouraging comments, by the way. They make my day.

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