Hello, I’m back.

January 6, 2009 at 11:08 am (Uncategorized)

I can’t believe I’m so lucky as to have even just a handful of incredibly sweet blogger friends checking in on me. Thank you so much. It has made me feel very good and special and, well, thanks.

The holidays and this break were fun and emotional and exhausting. I boozed and I ate sushi and all that good stuff, but that’s not really all that interesting and there’s not much to say about that. But I enjoyed it, I really did.

Since I last posted, I learned the following:

1. My very good friend from college, A, got pregnant in her first cycle off the pill. Unfortunately, she miscarried at about 8 weeks. We have been talking a lot since then. Her honesty has been so wonderful–she admitted that she felt guilty that she was able to get pregnant so quickly when I wasn’t, but that she felt she could talk to me after she miscarried because now we were both suffering. It’s so good to have her to talk to, but I know she’s going to get pregnant again very quickly. I just wrote her that in an email, actually. I felt like I needed to prepare myself.

2. My sister-in-law, L, is pregnant again after having tried unsuccessfully after a very early miscarriage this summer. She came to me personally and told me not long after she missed her period. I was touched but it hurt, and later on I pulled her aside and cried to her and hugged her and said I was happy for her but it was very hard. She was wonderfully sweet and said she knew it would happen for me eventually and that she really wanted it for me (“We need cousins!”), and at the very end she said if we ever needed her to, she would carry a baby for us. Wow. Very touching, but I wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about it. Are we really at that point? Probably not–I think she was just trying to show how far she would be willing to go for us.

3. My oldest friend M, going way back to when we were 5 years old, is 12 weeks pregnant. She called me yesterday and told me. As soon as I heard her voice, I knew. We’re not that close any more, but close enough that we have dinner occasionally and she knows what we’ve been going through. In fact, I had already been tipped off because she emailed me during December and I wrote her back and told her everything that had been going on with us, and she responded but did not mention her getting-pregnant status despite the fact that I knew she had been trying since about September or October. It seemed obvious to me at that point. Again, it hurt, and this time it was hard to muster a lot of enthusiasm on the phone, but I was appropriately congratulatory and she understands that it’s painful for me. As a bit of background, we were best friends until we were about 12, so of course we were always competitive growing up. We were both the short, cute brunettes in our class up through sixth grade, but truth be told, I was always smarter, cuter and more talented (umm…in my humble opinion, of course). My mom used to say, “Think how hard it must be for M. You’re better at everything and you’re cuter too.” Yikes. Anyway, given that, M turned out pretty well-adjusted, and now she’s pregnant. Last night I comforted myself by reminding myself that, for the world, I woult not want their baby, and that’s what they’re going to end up with. But I want my baby.

So the thing is, I still can’t really believe that I won’t get pregnant and have a baby, but every time I start thinking about it logically, I get caught up in the details and it all seems impossible. Like, for instance, assuming everything is working the way it’s supposed to, why would IVF work when ovulation induction and IUI won’t? That leads me to start thinking that there is something wrong with my eggs, or something wrong with my uterus, and those things can’t really be fixed. So even though I know tons of people do IVF, and tons of people get pregnant doing it, it’s easy to go down the path of, “but it really might not work for ME.” It seems like the only possibility that would explain the fact that it hasn’t worked so far but that would make IVF the answer in my mind is that my tubes aren’t picking up the eggs, and that just seems so far-fetched. Seriously, both tubes? Really? Unlikely, right? I don’t know. I guess the other option is that my husband’s sperm aren’t penetrating my eggs. And if that’s it, then fine, IVF it is. Of course, we won’t know until we do it.

Thanks for bearing with me through all this. Even though I’ve been on this “break,” I haven’t really stopped thinking about it, obviously. Tonight is my last pill, THANK GOD. I HATE these pills. They have made me alternatingly queasy, fat (seriously I gained four pounds in the first week and a half), bad-skinned, crampy, and for some reason they have made my boobs just as sore as they were at the end of my cycle last time. And lumpy and cysty, I think. I will probably have to drag myself back to the gynecologist for her to check my breasts again, because one of them has this recurring painful lump that I was told was a cyst, but that if it didn’t go away with my period I should come back. What the hell, by the way? Thanks for that.

Ah yes, thanks for listening. Sorry to be such a whiner. I just want to mention that one of my absolute favorite bloggers, Patti, had her baby Jack this past week, and I am so happy for her. He and the family look gorgeous. Congratulations, Patti. And thank you so much for all your support.

Thanks to all of you guys. It is good to be able to come back to this.

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3 Comments

  1. Mel said,

    Welcome back! Glad your holidays were a nice respite, but sorry for the painful moments that were included. For me, it seemed like babies just cropped up EVERYWHERE when I was at my lowest point of trying. It all seemed so ridiculously unfair. It does sound like you handled it the best you could, though, and the beauty of it is that you were not only honest with your friends/family, but you were honest with yourself about how you really felt. I was often not.
    My best friend also mentioned being a surrogate for me at one point and the fact that someone cared enough to even suggest that meant SO MUCH to me. It wasn’t that we would ever do it, but that it meant enough to her for me to get the baby I so badly desired that she would consider putting herself through hell to get there!
    Don’t get too caught up in the details, as hard as it may be! All you can do is keep trying and hope that your outcome inevitably changes. And mixing up the routine on your RE’s part can certainly make a difference. Ask him if he’s willing to throw something new in to the mix. When mine suggested taking a small dose of clomid (I took 1/2 pill for 5 days) in addition to the injectibles, I simply laughed and rolled my eyes. I am not so much laughing at that suggestion now.

    *hugs* and Happy New Year! I hope 2009 holds wonderful things in store for you…

  2. dana said,

    Yay! You’re back!! Ok, before I start…can I just seriously laugh out loud at this “appropriately congratulatory”?? Of course, I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at myself b/c isn’t that the truth? Appropriately. Hmmph. When it rains, it pours, eh? I’ve mentioned before but we’re just about the last of our “gang” to be w/o child. It’s kinda weird and creepy…and I remember asking DH if we were just freaks or something. But I have to continue to tell myself that our time, no matter how badly I want it, simply isn’t now. And somehow, I have to be okay with that, kwim?

    My sister and aunt both caught me off-guard when they volunteered to carry a baby for us. Actually, it was kinda spooky. But totally sweet and really appreciated .

    Hang in there….hopefully you’ll know more in a few weeks after the pill pack is done and you cycle thru AF.

    AFM: Yes, AF is still late. Uber-weird b/c I’ve had all the symptoms. One more week and I’m calling in a script for Provera. @@

  3. patti said,

    Thanks for the well wishes, Tam. 🙂

    I can tell you that until I held Jack in my arms, I didn’t think it was really happening. Throughout the whole pregnancy and all the attemps beforehand, I figured it’d never really work for me. But here he is.

    You’re just going through the normal emotions and worries of someone trying to get pregnant. Doesn’t make the thoughts any less stressful, but at least you know you’re not alone.

    I just know in my gut that 2009 is going to be your year. Keep the faith and I’ll keep praying for you, too!

    P.

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