I question this logic.

January 16, 2009 at 12:22 pm (Uncategorized)

Here’s my thought, it should be a familiar one to many of you: “M1 is due in May. M2 is due in July. M3 is due in August. L is due in September. Please, just let me be pregnant before all of these babies are born.”

What is ALWAYS the next thought, no matter what? Always?

“Well, of course that means I won’t be.”

What is it? Is it just the defense mechanism of not wanting to get my hopes up? Of trying to expect the worst? Every time I start to feel my hopes bubbling up about this cycle we’re doing now (and after all, how can I not? we’re doing it, and I obviously WANT it to work), I try to crush them, gently enough so that I’m not having a “bad attitude,” but firmly enough so that I won’t get hurt. But mostly so that maybe I won’t…ugh, I’m so disgusted with myself for this…JINX MYSELF.

What the hell? I’m so mature. Seriously, when I was a kid, maybe 11 or 12 or so, I was REALLY superstitious. it had built up over the years. I used to have all sorts of little superstitions, like don’t step on cracks in the sidewalk (or DO!), don’t watch the clock turn from X:59 to (X+1):00, and make sure you touch your nose if you say something at the same time as someone else or else you won’t get married or some bullshit like that. Seriously, I became like an addict with that last one. I had a friend (actually, that friend is M2) with whom I spent so much time that we were ALWAYS saying stuff at the same time. And I think we both became too embarrassed to openly touch our noses, particularly when it was not perfectly clear that we had said something at the same time, but each of us totally wanted to touch our nose just to be safe. So I swear to god, we would try to sneak in a nose touch by pretending we had an itch or something. I felt like Lindsay Lohan sneaking nips from the flask hidden in my boot. If I had known who Lindsay Lohan was at the time. She was probably 5 though, and possibly already sneaking nips from the flask hidden in her boot.

So finally one day, I decided that these superstitions were ruling my life, and that I was done with them. Completely. For good. I stopped all of them–stopped watching for cracks in the sidewalk, stopped avoiding looking at the clock with it was X:59, and stopped touching my nose. I laughed in the face of saying something at the same time as someone else.

And lo and behold…I didn’t die. My life wasn’t ruined. And hey! I got married!

So maybe it’s time for me to let go of these superstitions. The thing that makes that hard, though, is that I haven’t really been doing anything tangible with them. There has been no touching of body parts, no avoiding of cracks or clocks. It’s just the superstitions in my mind. They’re just thoughts. And what can I do with those thoughts? I still find myself not wanting to get my hopes too high, even when I’m sure I want to abandon my superstitions. And when I think about it logically, I definitely still want to keep my hopes low for this cycle. How good can the chances be, given how many times we’ve already done this?

I have been in a relatively good mood, so I’m moving forward with that and the expectation that we will be doing IVF within the next month or so. And with a tiny bit of hope that we won’t have to.

Scan today and not much to report, just going back in for another scan on Monday. Acupuncture tomorrow, which I’m super excited about. I will keep you posted.


1 Comment

  1. Callie said,

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Your comment made my day. I’m right there with you on the superstitions. My big one is wishing on eyelashes..although when you start pulling them out to wish on them as I do – probably not a good sign. Good luck on the upcoming IVF cycle. I’m interested to hear how the accupuncture goes. It’s something I’ve been thinking about, but haven’t made the leap.

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