Why doesn’t it get any easier?

February 19, 2009 at 2:40 pm (Uncategorized)

I think I mentioned about two months ago my good friend, A, who got pregnant in her first cycle off the pill and then miscarried and then told me about it, feeling guilty that she had gotten pregnant so quickly but also feeling like she could talk to me about it because she miscarried. Together, we waited for her period to come back and then my last cycle was a couple of weeks ahead of her first one after the miscarriage, and we proceeded to obsess together over OPKs (for her), timed intercourse, and possible pregnancy symptoms. Well, we all know how my cycle turned out.

She just emailed me and told me that she got a BFP. Her email was incredibly sweet and sensitive, telling me not to feel the need to respond right away, etc., and I would expect nothing less. But still…

Why is it so hard for me to be happy for her? I know it’s not about me, but I can’t help it–it *feels* like it’s about me. And furthermore, why can’t I shake this ridiculously foolish feeling every time this happens? I got her email and I just felt, well, stupid. Stupid for playing the “is this a symptom” game with her when I should have known she would be pregnant. Stupid for playing that game with her with respect to my own symptoms, when I should have known I would not be pregnant. Stupid for falling for any of it, for letting her get me hoping and worrying for her, when I never needed to be worried for her. I kept telling her I was sure she would get pregnant again quickly, and only held back on the off chance she didn’t. I wish I had just said, “A, guaranteed, you’ll be pregnant again on your first try.” Then at least I could now say, “I told you so.” And even though I am happy for her, I’m feeling something really horrible: I wish she hadn’t gotten that positive.

Because I’m selfish and awful. And I hope you’ll not hate me for it. And I won’t feel this way forever, but I feel it right now.

I just spoke to my husband about it, and he reinforced everything I already know: that I don’t look like a fool in A’s eyes, and that this feeling comes from some weird part of me that feels shame when I shouldn’t. And that I should really think about where that comes from and try to get rid of it. There’s nothing to be ashamed of here.

And I will work on it; I will try. And I know I will be happy for A–soon. But for the time being, I feel like an idiot and part of me wants to be completely honest and tell her that, but the other part of me knows that I can’t respond without congratulating her and telling her how happy I am for her. And that part of me really just doesn’t want to respond at all right now.

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Wow, hi!

February 14, 2009 at 11:14 pm (Uncategorized)

I have been completely out of commission (blog-wise) since my last post, and I did not see all your lovely comments until today! I have been working a LOT, which is a really good thing, because it’s making me feel much safer about my job and it’s making me feel good about myself. So good. Good on that.

And thank you! Thank you so much for your comments. They mean so much to me, and they really do tell me that you’ll stick with me and not give up on me. And that’s just huge to me.

I have been drinking The Tea for a week! You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you? Did you ever see the Sex and the City where Charlotte goes to the acupuncturist, and she sees some woman she knows (either in the waiting room at the acupuncturist or out and about whom she tells she seeing the acupuncturist) and the woman says, “Are you drinking the tea? You have to drink the tea!” I had forgotten all about that tea part of that episode, but my best friend reminded me this morning when I started telling her about my Chinese medicine adventures.

So this tea…well, I find it weird that I can’t find a thing about it on the internet, but this is what the woman I know who has PCOS drank to bring back her period. I don’t even know what this stuff is called, but now beginning my second week on it and having been given several new bags of it, the concoction appears to be slightly different this week anyway. Basically, when I saw my acupuncturist a week ago, she gave me several paper bags full of what appear to be sticks, leaves, weird orange raisin looking thinks, some pieces of bark and some chunks of white, well, it looks like wood or, best case scenario, like coconut or something. Anyway, I dump this in a pot, soak it in some water, boil the stuff for 40 minutes, strain it out, boil a bunch of water in it again, strain it altogether, and drink that, hot, twice a day for the next couple of days. It tastes pretty nasty, kind of like celery and other vegetation, and it is sweet, sour and bitter all at once. I’ve gotten kind of used to it by now, though, and it’s hard not to like the idea that it’s actually doing something.

Which, by the way, I am trying really, really hard not to expect. I have tried to find SOMETHING on the internet written about this, but I can only really find stuff when I search “acupuncture PCOS” or “chinese medicine PCOS” or “chinese herbs PCOS,” and I almost never find anything about this tea, but I do find that they say acupuncture and chinese medicine can be very effective for PCOS, but is less likely to be effective for a woman who has NO periods at all, rather than just irregular periods. Of course, I fall into the former camp, and doctors haven’t even been able to agree that I *have* PCOS. So who knows? I’m charting my temps and just sort of going along, and a week in it’s not too bad because of course I’m not expecting anything. But another week goes by, and I’ll be starting to hope I see a temperature shift, and if/when I don’t, that might be difficult. But I don’t know, we’ll see. I am trying to enjoy the break from the artificial hormones, and hoping my body takes this opportunity to heal itself, or something.

But the whole thing feels like voodoo to me.

Has anyone else ever heard of any of this before? I would love to hear what others know.

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I’m sorry

February 6, 2009 at 10:19 am (Uncategorized)

I hate to have to type this post yet again, and disappoint everyone yet again. It was negative.

I just don’t want you guys to give up on me. I know it gets to be a drag reading the blog of someone who fails so repeatedly, but my worst nightmare is that people will start to say, “maybe it really won’t ever work out for her,” and just stop reading because it’s too depressing.

I’m on to try the next thing, and it’s so hard to be hopeful, but I don’t have much of a choice.

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Thank you

February 4, 2009 at 10:34 am (Uncategorized)

..for your sweet and supportive comments. They totally make this blog worth keeping. Since Dana said so, I’m not going to test until Friday. And Callie, what’s the name of your new blog? I was sad when Patience Song went away…

Nothing new to report. Feeling very little of anything these days. The occasional odd light cramp, but also some ovary twinges. And my chin is breaking out rather disgustingly. Otherwise, nothing.

Last Friday I put in a question for my doctor asking if I needed to have a baseline ultrasound to check for cysts if I’m going to go into acupuncture and herbal treatment to bring back my period. I knew I wouldn’t get a response until some time this week. Then on Saturday I asked my acupuncturist if I need to worry about whether I have a cyst before starting her treatment, and she said, “You have baseline ultrasound. If cyst, tell me. No birth control pill.” Then I heard back from my doctor on Monday, who said I do NOT need to have a baseline ultrasound to check for cysts. So I wonder if I can just go see my acupuncturist and say, “I’m not having a baseline, so I might have a cyst. Does it matter?” I feel like she might say it’s fine. I’d rather not spend another $210 on an essentially unnecessary ultrasound.

That’s the latest thrilling news on my front. Wasn’t this a fun post?

I don’t have enough work to do. Argh. But at least I am wearing a cute outfit today. The high-waisted look really works on me. Oh, and yesterday I wore shoes with a platform and heel that add almost 5 inches to my height. Since I’m 5 feet tall, it was totally awesome. I felt like a normal person.

What can I say? I’ve got to get excited about something.

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Don’t leave me

February 2, 2009 at 2:33 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m sorry I’ve been terrible about commenting lately. I am trying really hard to spend a lot of time working, as my job could be on the line. But I am reading what is going on with you guys diligently and devotedly.

I wish I had better news to report, but today, 10 dpo, I started feeling the same inexplicable weird cramping I’ve felt in every 2ww cycle so far, the thing which has never once meant pregnancy. So I’m feeling sort of down today.

And that is all. I am supposed to test on Friday, though I probably could earlier than that. I don’t know. I wish I didn’t have to think about this at all. I wish this would just be THE time.

Duh.

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