Why doesn’t it get any easier?

February 19, 2009 at 2:40 pm (Uncategorized)

I think I mentioned about two months ago my good friend, A, who got pregnant in her first cycle off the pill and then miscarried and then told me about it, feeling guilty that she had gotten pregnant so quickly but also feeling like she could talk to me about it because she miscarried. Together, we waited for her period to come back and then my last cycle was a couple of weeks ahead of her first one after the miscarriage, and we proceeded to obsess together over OPKs (for her), timed intercourse, and possible pregnancy symptoms. Well, we all know how my cycle turned out.

She just emailed me and told me that she got a BFP. Her email was incredibly sweet and sensitive, telling me not to feel the need to respond right away, etc., and I would expect nothing less. But still…

Why is it so hard for me to be happy for her? I know it’s not about me, but I can’t help it–it *feels* like it’s about me. And furthermore, why can’t I shake this ridiculously foolish feeling every time this happens? I got her email and I just felt, well, stupid. Stupid for playing the “is this a symptom” game with her when I should have known she would be pregnant. Stupid for playing that game with her with respect to my own symptoms, when I should have known I would not be pregnant. Stupid for falling for any of it, for letting her get me hoping and worrying for her, when I never needed to be worried for her. I kept telling her I was sure she would get pregnant again quickly, and only held back on the off chance she didn’t. I wish I had just said, “A, guaranteed, you’ll be pregnant again on your first try.” Then at least I could now say, “I told you so.” And even though I am happy for her, I’m feeling something really horrible: I wish she hadn’t gotten that positive.

Because I’m selfish and awful. And I hope you’ll not hate me for it. And I won’t feel this way forever, but I feel it right now.

I just spoke to my husband about it, and he reinforced everything I already know: that I don’t look like a fool in A’s eyes, and that this feeling comes from some weird part of me that feels shame when I shouldn’t. And that I should really think about where that comes from and try to get rid of it. There’s nothing to be ashamed of here.

And I will work on it; I will try. And I know I will be happy for A–soon. But for the time being, I feel like an idiot and part of me wants to be completely honest and tell her that, but the other part of me knows that I can’t respond without congratulating her and telling her how happy I am for her. And that part of me really just doesn’t want to respond at all right now.

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4 Comments

  1. Mel said,

    You’re human, we can’t help these feelings–trust me. I had to REALLY work on my happiness and joy for friends and family who just kept cropping up pregnant “on accident” or on their “first try!” And I can honestly admit there were days when I just felt so bitter and angry deep down inside because of my envy for what they had and I couldn’t have… days when I didn’t think I could face them or be happy for them. I had my ways of getting rid of those thoughts and feelings and I know you do, too, and you will find that stregth to do it when you are ready.
    For now, it’s ok to feel silly and selfish and sad. I’d give you a big hug if I could.
    I am so sorry.

  2. Angie said,

    Oh hon, I am so sorry. I have been there and I feel your pain. Hell, I am there now (with my best friend). You are not selfish and I guarantee that if she was in your shoes, she’d be feeling the same way. Just take your time and respond to her when you are ready. And be honest – I truly think that it is fair to be honest. Tell her that it is hard for you and that it isn’t about her, it is selfishly about you. If she is a good friend, she will understand.

  3. dana said,

    I just found out that a close girlfriend is pregnant with her 2nd. We’ve been riding the IF together…so, it is a bit of a shock to find out she’s expecting. Again. And as shitty as I felt at first, I didn’t ignore those feelings. I found that once I just gave into them and let my selfishness take over (even for a little bit), it was easier for me to find some joy and happiness for them. I don’t know if that made any sense but that’s how I rationalized it…and although my logic may be screwed up, it sounds right in my head, so I go with it. 😉

    Your friend knows how you feel – that’s why she gave you the opportunity to respond when you’re ready. Don’t beat yourself up over your emotions – it’s ok to feel the way you are – it’d be plain silly if you didn’t (and then I’d start to wonder about you….lol).

    Sending you hugs from miles away…..d.

  4. Magsy said,

    You really aren’t the only one who has this reaction. A friend of mine got pregnant in July and I tried to be happy for her, but when she texted me an ultrasound picture I had to explain that I needed some space but was wishing her the best. I felt like an awful person, but there it was. Natural and normal. Hang in there.

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