A little lonely tonight

March 25, 2009 at 11:19 pm (Uncategorized)

Hi there. I’m sitting here, up later than I need to be, because it’s one of those nights when I can’t bring myself to give up on this day yet. But I really should.

I got two moles removed at the dermatologist today. They gave me local anesthetic, and stitched the wounds closed. I’ve never had stitches before. One of them is (well, was, of course) on my back, which means that it hurts when I try to lean back on anything, and I’m constantly worried I’m messing up the stitches. I forgot how going through something like that totally exhausts you. I barely got any work done afterwards, and I went home at like 4:15. This is bad. I am already behind on my hours and this is just making it worse. I came home and slept for over an hour, then gossiped with my best friend on the phone for an hour, then ate dinner and watched three hours of television. I feel like a bad person.

I know I’m not though. It’s just a feeling. I just feel so irresponsible about work and I’m scared I’m letting everything get fucked up. I’m scared I’m going to get in trouble for not working more. That’s generally not me–I always do what I’m supposed to. But maybe I’m just not cut out for doing what I’m supposed to in this environment?

Anyway, I’m not looking for anyone to tell me everything’s going to be okay, since I think it probably is. I just wanted to write about it a little. It somehow makes it feel more manageable.

Last Saturday, day 42 of my current cycle and no ovulation or period to speak of, I saw my acupuncturist. To my great relief, she actually conceded that maybe this whole tea-and-acupuncture treatment wasn’t going to work on me after all (at least not for getting me to ovulate or bringing back my period). She said I didn’t need to bother with the tea anymore (I didn’t really mind drinking it, but brewing it for two hours every other night has been an enormous pain in my ass), and she gave me some herbal pills. She said that she agrees that I should go back to Dr. M (my western doctor), but that she doesn’t want me to start up treatment with him again until I get a period. I wanted to laugh–I just don’t see that happening. But she is going to be out of town for the next two weekends, and by the time I next see her, three weeks will have gone by. If I haven’t gotten my period by then, I’m just going to say this has to stop. Then it’s back to Dr. M and starting IVF.

And I am really really ready for that. My husband’s cousin and his wife have been trying to get pregnant for probably about a year and a half now. They finally did IVF and last night she called me to tell me about her positive beta. I had such a great conversation with her, and it made me so excited. And for once, I didn’t feel even a touch of bitterness–just sheer happiness that it worked for her. Sure, that probably has a lot to do with the fact that it makes me feel like my chances are decent with IVF too, but I think that’s reasonable. Aren’t I allowed to get my hopes up yet, for this? It’s hard, because my husband doesn’t like to talk about it with me, especially right now when we’re not actively making something happen. He says he will if it’s important for me to talk about it, but that it’s painful for him to focus on it when he doesn’t feel like he can do anything about it for the time being. He says that, unlike me, he can’t bear to read stuff on the internet about any of it. It hurts him to have to think about the fact that we are not there yet.

He just called me and was wonderful. Even though he’s at work late, he jumped at the chance to get up early to go and buy me bandaids for my little wounds. I am very lucky, and even though I get pretty down on stuff on this blog (or maybe I’m misperceiving things?), I feel good about our chances. I can’t help being optimistic. I kind of feel like you have to be if you’re going to go through with this stuff at all.

So yeah, I felt like this was a crappy day because of the minor surgery and the not doing any work and the feeling fat (oh, didn’t I mention that?). But I feel better now. And I think I’m going to go to bed now.

P.S. I totally missed my blogiversary (I just cannot spell that in a way that makes me feel comfortable), which was on March 20. I can no longer deny that we have definitely been “trying” for over a year now. But I would like to point out that even though it’s been a year, we’ve only “tried” eight times. It’s not much, but it’s something.

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hi hi hi hi sorry sorry sorry sorry

March 15, 2009 at 8:23 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m here. Everything’s cool. I almost posted last weekend when I had a huge high and then a pretty big low. But then the low got in the way and I didn’t feel like posting. You know how it goes.

What happened was that I had a major temperature spike on Saturday the 7th. And everything had lined up perfectly. I had seen more EWCM over the last couple of days than I had previously in the cycle, and I had temperature drop on Thursday morning, followed by a higher-than-any-temperatures-yet temp on Friday. And we had sex on Friday morning, so the timing was actually perfect. I even bought two pineapples on Friday, one for me to eat over the next five days (I have read and heard from numerous sources that some enzyme in pineapple is supposed to aid in implantation–I’m sure you’ve all read/heard it too), and one for my husband to have all to himself (we both love pineapple and I knew he’d be jealous if I had pineapple and wasn’t sharing with him). The next day, Saturday, was the major temp rise I was looking for. I was absolutely certain I had ovulated. And I happened to be seeing my acupuncturist that day and she rejoiced with me and told me she formulated the tea for me that week to help keep my temperature up and to help keep my endometrial lining good and strong and full. She put her arm around me and I told her I was very happy and she told me she was too and I hugged her. So yes, you could say I bought into this hook, line and sinker.

I know you know what happens next.

Sunday morning, my temperature was as low as ever. I was DEVASTATED. And the worst part was that no one understood. I tried to talk to a friend about it, and she clearly (to me, anyway) not only thought it shouldn’t be that big deal–it’s only ovulation, after all, not like I’d done IVF and gotten a BFN, but she also seemed to think it was silly of me to expect anything from this ridiculous Chinese tea. She didn’t say so, of course. I am probably reading way into her tone. But she did say, “Well, what’s in the tea…that must just be the same hormones you were injecting into yourself before, right?” She probably didn’t mean to, but she made me feel dumb for thinking it could work. She is a western doctor herself, though her area has nothing to do with fertility or OBGYN or anything even remotely related, and she has admitted she knows little about the subject. It made me feel like crap.

Of course, I eventually got over it, and learned to stop expecting shit from this treatment. Also, I realized, when I was able to step back and focus on it, that other stuff probably contributed to my Saturday morning temp spike. One was that I had had a couple of alcoholic drinks on Friday night. I didn’t know at the time, but that can and likely will result in a higher temperature the next morning. Also, I had had two cavities filled on Thursday morning. When that happens, when you get even tiny areas in your mouth cut, you can get minor infections that will cause your body to go into defense mode and which may cause a slight temperature increase. That probably caused the slightly higher-than-expected temp on Friday morning and contributed to the Saturday one. And whatever the reasons, we all have outliers. I don’t know why I got so carried away with thinking this was IT.

And nothing has happened since to make me think I’ve ovulated since. Although, I will say that I felt exhausted several afternoons last week, and especially thirsty, for no apparent reason. Towards the end of the week, I think my boobs started to hurt a little, though it’s really hard to tell. And on Friday I was having these weird cramps. None of this necessarily suggests I ovulated, but now I’m just hoping I get my period. Nothing yet, and I’m not holding my breath. At this moment, I’m just really looking forward to doing IVF. I’m no longer expecting anything from the Chinese medicine, other than a nice healthy break for my body.

Thanks for sticking with me, guys. Your comments and thoughts mean so much to me.

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A couple of things

March 1, 2009 at 10:07 am (Uncategorized)

Hi. I know it’s been awhile. So I have a few updates for you.

First of all, I think I might be a jinx. That friend I wrote about in my last post, A, who got the BFP, got her period a week later. I guess it was a chemical pregnancy. I’m still waiting to hear about her second beta, but I think this is one of those situations where if she had never tested, she would never have known she got pregnant and would have just thought she had a late period. This now makes three friends of mine who have had two miscarriages in a row. Did I ever mention that my sister-in-law also miscarried this second pregnancy? So she’s not pregnant now either. I’m beginning to think people shouldn’t tell me about their pregnancies until the first trimester is well in the past. I feel terrible for all of them (the third friend is my friend M, but she had her second miscarriage in August and is now healthily into her second trimester), but I will admit that it makes me feel less “behind.” Sorry to sound awful, but I want to be honest. I know they are hurting, and I trust this will right itself for them soon.

Secondly, I’m getting discouraged about the acupuncture and herbal treatment. I have been faithfully drinking my tea twice a day and faithfully going to my acupuncture appointments once a week. After the first week, my acupuncturist said, “I hope your temperature spikes here,” pointing to around Cycle Day 14 on my basal body temperature chart. “If that happens, or if you start to see any EWCM,” google it if you don’t know what that is, “have intercourse.” That week went by and I thought I saw a little EWCM once or twice, but no temp spike. When I saw her on Cycle Day 14, she said, “I hope it happens this week.” It didn’t, and yesterday was Cycle Day 21, and still nothing. Like I said, once or twice I thought I saw a little bit of EWCM, but it has gotten drier lately and I have never seen a temp spike. I’m trying not to give up hope completely and hoping that perhaps my period will come back before my ovulation does (she said that often happens). But it makes me sad to think that what’s probably going to happen is, just like when I’m off all hormones completely (which I guess I am now, but I consider myself as getting treatment at the moment), I will not ovulate and I will not menstruate. Which is really fucking frustrating. Why can this work for so many people, but not for me?

But if we try this for 90 days and nothing happens, we’re just going straight into IVF. And it is good to know we have that option, that backup.

Finally, some good news: my firm had massive layoffs on Friday. Wait, that’s not the good news. That’s crappy news, actually. In fact, I lost one very, very good friend in that layoff. But the good news is that I did not get laid off and this is supposed to be “it.” No more layoffs, no more fear. The whole week was dreadful and we all knew it was coming, but as soon as it happened the air felt clearer. It sucks and it’s probably super easy for me to say that because I wasn’t one of the unlucky ones, but I spoke to my friend who seemed to be in considerably better spirits after it happened. Finally, no more worrying, no more fretting, and he can move on with his life and figure out what he really wants to do. Which wasn’t sticking with my firm. He’s a young guy and has a lot of time to explore and figure stuff out. I definitely think this is a good thing for him in the long run.

And that’s that. As always, thanks for your comments, guys. They make my day.

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