A little lonely tonight

March 25, 2009 at 11:19 pm (Uncategorized)

Hi there. I’m sitting here, up later than I need to be, because it’s one of those nights when I can’t bring myself to give up on this day yet. But I really should.

I got two moles removed at the dermatologist today. They gave me local anesthetic, and stitched the wounds closed. I’ve never had stitches before. One of them is (well, was, of course) on my back, which means that it hurts when I try to lean back on anything, and I’m constantly worried I’m messing up the stitches. I forgot how going through something like that totally exhausts you. I barely got any work done afterwards, and I went home at like 4:15. This is bad. I am already behind on my hours and this is just making it worse. I came home and slept for over an hour, then gossiped with my best friend on the phone for an hour, then ate dinner and watched three hours of television. I feel like a bad person.

I know I’m not though. It’s just a feeling. I just feel so irresponsible about work and I’m scared I’m letting everything get fucked up. I’m scared I’m going to get in trouble for not working more. That’s generally not me–I always do what I’m supposed to. But maybe I’m just not cut out for doing what I’m supposed to in this environment?

Anyway, I’m not looking for anyone to tell me everything’s going to be okay, since I think it probably is. I just wanted to write about it a little. It somehow makes it feel more manageable.

Last Saturday, day 42 of my current cycle and no ovulation or period to speak of, I saw my acupuncturist. To my great relief, she actually conceded that maybe this whole tea-and-acupuncture treatment wasn’t going to work on me after all (at least not for getting me to ovulate or bringing back my period). She said I didn’t need to bother with the tea anymore (I didn’t really mind drinking it, but brewing it for two hours every other night has been an enormous pain in my ass), and she gave me some herbal pills. She said that she agrees that I should go back to Dr. M (my western doctor), but that she doesn’t want me to start up treatment with him again until I get a period. I wanted to laugh–I just don’t see that happening. But she is going to be out of town for the next two weekends, and by the time I next see her, three weeks will have gone by. If I haven’t gotten my period by then, I’m just going to say this has to stop. Then it’s back to Dr. M and starting IVF.

And I am really really ready for that. My husband’s cousin and his wife have been trying to get pregnant for probably about a year and a half now. They finally did IVF and last night she called me to tell me about her positive beta. I had such a great conversation with her, and it made me so excited. And for once, I didn’t feel even a touch of bitterness–just sheer happiness that it worked for her. Sure, that probably has a lot to do with the fact that it makes me feel like my chances are decent with IVF too, but I think that’s reasonable. Aren’t I allowed to get my hopes up yet, for this? It’s hard, because my husband doesn’t like to talk about it with me, especially right now when we’re not actively making something happen. He says he will if it’s important for me to talk about it, but that it’s painful for him to focus on it when he doesn’t feel like he can do anything about it for the time being. He says that, unlike me, he can’t bear to read stuff on the internet about any of it. It hurts him to have to think about the fact that we are not there yet.

He just called me and was wonderful. Even though he’s at work late, he jumped at the chance to get up early to go and buy me bandaids for my little wounds. I am very lucky, and even though I get pretty down on stuff on this blog (or maybe I’m misperceiving things?), I feel good about our chances. I can’t help being optimistic. I kind of feel like you have to be if you’re going to go through with this stuff at all.

So yeah, I felt like this was a crappy day because of the minor surgery and the not doing any work and the feeling fat (oh, didn’t I mention that?). But I feel better now. And I think I’m going to go to bed now.

P.S. I totally missed my blogiversary (I just cannot spell that in a way that makes me feel comfortable), which was on March 20. I can no longer deny that we have definitely been “trying” for over a year now. But I would like to point out that even though it’s been a year, we’ve only “tried” eight times. It’s not much, but it’s something.



  1. Mel said,

    I hope you get to feeling better and I hope you can move the hell on from where you are because being in a slump is such shit. (spoken from a place of vivid understanding)

  2. dana said,

    i don’t think there is anything wrong with feeling hopeful and/or optimistic…and i think it’s fantastic that you’re feeling both of those things! and i, too, am hopefilled for y’all!

    my husband won’t talk about any of it. i dunno. i thought maybe after so long, he would want to. but nope. says he just can’t say the words out loud. sometimes i force him to talk about it with me but most times, he only listens. le sigh.

    wishing you a good week!

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